Food Dreams

Do you ever dream about food?

The other night I dreamt we were still living in the UK. I was upset about something and we came out a party to find Ken’s old BMW blocked in with just a few inches to spare in the front and the back. I remember thinking how odd it was that Ken was walking over to a car that looked like his old car, 4 door burgundy BMW, I was looking around for our current vehicle but then I realized that we were in the UK, not in Florida and the BMW was his car. Instead of questioning it, I just went along with it. In the car I remember music playing and the announcers talking about after Christmas sales in full swing so it must have been January. Then he put on a CD and it was that one he played NON STOP for the first 6 months we lived in the UK, Urban Renewal. If you aren’t familiar with this CD, its R&B artists singing their versions of Phil Collins songs, at one point I threatened to throw the CD out the window but never fear, he liked it so much he had TWO copies of it, he even made sure to put a copy in the CD changer of my car, I was extremely upset when my car was broken into and the CD player and changer stolen but I wasn’t upset that Urban Renewal was among the stolen CD’s. There were a few good songs on that CD but I didn’t want to hear it or any CD all the time, but there it was playing in the background of my dream when I hadn’t heard it in YEARS. But back to the freaky dream.

It was cold and there were little piles of snow in places but it was starting to spit rain. I knew the chances of anyone moving their cars before morning wasn’t very good so Ken did what any man would do, he managed to get the car out of the spot by smashing into the front and back of the cars in front of us…just a little…and freed the BMW from its confines. The bumper of the red car in front of us had tinges of burgundy paint from our car. Ken said not to worry, he would get it fixed tomorrow. It was such a vivid dream and even writing this now I can recall everything so clearly from the smell inside of the car, stale cigarettes, to the slight crack in the windscreen.

As we were driving in the cold rain I wanted to question why we were back in the UK and why we were driving his old car when Ken said he knew I was feeling homesick so we were going someplace American. The promise of food distracted me from questioning our surroundings. I started thinking about all of the American restaurants in the UK; TGI Friday, Macaroni Grill, Chilis even Pizza Hut was sounding good. Imagine my surprise when he pulled up in front of Starbucks. All I could think was “I can’t get REAL FOOD in here”

He dropped me off in front of Starbucks and parked the car. There was a little boy pulling his chair outside to sit and I said to him “it’s too cold to sit out here” and he pointed to his friends sitting around the table inside by the window and he pulled his chair next to their table on the outside and said “there’s no room in there for me, I can sit with them this way”

I felt so sad for the little boy but just about then Ken came walking up from parking the car and we went inside. Like many shops in the UK, they just work the new shop into the old historic existing structure. This Starbucks was no exception. We had to duck to miss the wooden beam in the ceiling; I remember the old wooden floors creaking and the buzz of the conversation around us and the smell of coffee.

Beyond the vivid dream of stale cigarette smoke in the car, the music, the historic building, the little boy and the vivid imagery and smells inside of Starbucks was the fact I was obsessing over food. Thinking about where we might go and what I might order.

Thinking back on this dream, I’ve always used food to fill a void. Even now, if I feel myself getting anxious my first thoughts go to food. Despite the fact that I’ve been on a plan and following it for months now, I’m still dreaming about overeating. Honestly, I don’t think I could overeat without feeling sick. I had a big salad the other night, I ate too much of it and it left my stomach upset. I know the same would be true with any food. I can’t eat greasy foods anymore. I had a few French fries last week and my stomach pain was so bad I had to take a pepcid.

I suppose the little boy could be like me, someone who is always on the outside looking in. As for the rest of it, it was so real and so vivid.

I feel like I’ve changed so much so why am I still dreaming about food? Why was I so disappointed about going to Starbucks, it’s not so bad. Why did I dream about that damn demon car and that CD that I hated so much? Where did all of this come from when its been out of my thoughts for years now.

When I quit smoking back in 1992, for several years after I’d have dreams where I was smoking or searching for a cigarette. I think this is somewhere along those same lines. I haven’t smoked in years and I’m not even tempted to smoke anymore. I suppose there will come a time when I’m not even tempted to over eat anymore. Thinking about it this way gives me hope that maybe, just maybe I might be able to look at food like a normal person; I might be able to view it as a source of fuel and not as something to fill a void. Some day.