The kind of party that fills you with anxiety and dread

We went to a party on Sunday and the same couples I told you about in Dinner and a Workout and Sunday Brunch were there. I don’t want to use their real names out of respect for their privacy so I’ll identify them by their geographical locations.

Mr & Mrs. East hosted Sunday Brunch back in April.

The party on Sunday was hosted by Mr. & Mrs. North and WOW what a day. Temperature was somewhere in the 80’s but it was really humid and overcast. It made for a muggy day. They have a lovely house on a few acres of land, a huge back yard and did I mention the party was a pool party?

No party has had the power to strike fear and dread in my heart like the words POOL PARTY. Was a freak snow storm too much to ask for in Florida in May? Yes I do own a swimsuit but it hasn’t been on my body since we moved out of the condo in 2004. I tried it on but it was so big and saggy, I couldn't wear it. Ken wanted to stop on the way to the party and buy a swimsuit but seriously does he know how stressful swimsuit shopping is? Did he just happen have a case of anti anxiety medication with him? NO HE DID NOT, so why on earth would he suggest such a thing?

That kind of irrational thought was pretty much an indicator of my mood and anxiety level on Sunday morning and during the hour drive to their home. I wore black Bermuda shorts that came down to my knees and a light weight gauze type shirt that is perfect for the summer heat and humidity. I smelled like a combo of bug spray and sun screen...how lovely. In anticipation of a bad hair day, I pulled my hair back into a clip and put on dark sunglasses. I could feel the anxiety, dread and fear welling up inside of me. Everyone would be in the pool playing and I’d say “oh I forgot my suit” or “I just don't like the water” or one of those other long list of excuses I’ve used over the years to avoid pool parties while living in Florida. I even brought a change of clothes in case someone decided to throw me in the pool with my clothes on. Something I sort of secretly hoped for because then I could enjoy the water without stressing about the swimsuit.

I’d stay in the kitchen as much as possible and help Mrs. North with all of the food and party details and let everyone else have fun playing. My plan was to go to the party, make an appearance for an hour or so and then get the heck out of there. Of course things didn’t quite work out like that.

We got there and the first words out of Mrs North’s mouth were “I hope you have on a swimsuit under there, we’re going to play games in the pool” and my reply of helping her in the kitchen was met with an organized and perfectionist ring of “everything is done, we just have to light the grill later and the guys will do that” just as the big wheel of random excuses was spinning in my head about to make a selection up walks Mrs South with news that made me want to throw up. Not just a little bit but a LOT.

You remember Mrs South? She is the one I gave the little pep talk to when she couldn't keep up with us that night we walked at our house, she is the same one who went on to lose 48 pounds between our party and Mr & Mrs. East's Sunday Brunch. Well that darn Mrs South had summer clothes to give me with the tags still on that she bought on sale last year and don't fit her now blah blah blah and...AND there is even a swimsuit in there too…..that evil….she is running my plan…what on earth was she thinking…..how dare she give me a swimsuit! “Come on, I’ll get it for you and you can try it on”

Did I mention that Mrs South probably weighed in at 250 at her highest and I’m sitting at 355 at last count? She was probably a size 24 at her largest and through my protests of “it won’t fit me” she just kept saying “try it on, try it on” I know exactly what size I wear, I spent all day Thursday shopping with my sister. Tops are 4X and bottoms are 26/28. I felt lightheaded, nauseous and I wanted to run, I wanted to just run out the door and leave and never see these people ever again.

I walked into the bathroom off the pool area and took the stupid stupid swimsuit in to try it on and she said she would wait for me in the adjoining bedroom. Now of course everyone was going to want to see me in the “new suit” everyone was going to be looking at me. I was shaking and I felt sick. I didn’t even look at the suit or the size tag, I just put it on thinking it would never fit. I was already envisioning the patented Diana Wiggle, Shimmy and Squeeze I’d have to perform to get this thing up over my hips. Much to my amazement it slipped on quite nicely. It could have been longer through the torso. I looked in the mirror and I could only see myself from the waist up. My huge flabby arms just screamed look at us and I dreaded to know what I looked like from the waist down. I'd have to sneak around the house and see if I could find a full length mirror. As I walked out I was greeted by four HUGE and MIRRORED closet doors. I was HORRIFIED at seeing myself in that much mirrors. Absolutely horrified. What kind of sadists lived here? Who needs that much mirror in one room? I felt so vulnerable and exposed.

“I have this too” she said as she dangled a black sarong type wrap that she tied around my waist. I forced myself to look in the mirrors and see my pasty white skin with a slight tinge of nausea green. My legs don’t really look too bad from mid thigh down, its above that mark that weird lumps and bumps happen, the sarong covered that. I knew I’d have to suck it up and just get out there and start enjoying the party. “it looks great on you, let’s go enjoy the party” she said.

In my head I thought everyone would be looking at me. In reality they were looking for me and looking at us because they were waiting for us. What I was wearing wasn’t important. Yes my arms are flabby and my thighs lumpy but they didn’t matter. No one was looking. No one cared what I looked like.

We all jumped in the pool and played pool volleyball, had raft races and just generally had fun. After a while I forgot my anxieties and my fears slipped away. I had put myself through so much stress and anxiety for nothing. So my body isn’t perfect, so my body is big and lumpy and bumpy. People still like me for me and they enjoy my company. I automatically lumped them in with people who would judge me? What does that say about me? Yes people do judge me for being morbidly obese but I’m judging everyone before they even get a chance to judge me as a self defense mechanism. This is something I’m going to have to work on and learn to let go of because I don’t like that part of my personality.

I loved how freely my body moved in the pool and how good the water felt against my skin. They have a misting system that puts off a mist of water to help stay cool and the screen around the pool kept most of the bugs away. Yes it was hot but it wasn’t as painful as I imagined. Every time Ken caught me having fun he’d say to me “seeeeeee its not so bad is it”

Mrs South told me she had lost another 10 pounds bringing her total to 58 pounds lost, she really looks fabulous and said she feels years younger. YAY congrats to her and her great success. I told her about walking a 5k the other day and she agreed to join me on one once the weather got cooler again, we’re guessing that would be some time in November.

Had it been a different group of people it might have been more difficult but since was around a small group of friends, I was able to relax and enjoy our afternoon…and then the rain came!

We were all forced into the house to enjoy our picnic food and conversation and thankfully I was able to get back to reality and back into the comfort zone of my shorts and t-shirt.