Saving a forest

Great news! For a limited time only and if I act within 30 days I can extend the warranty on my Land Rover! It’s true! I got the letter yesterday! The only thing is, I sold my Land Rover over three years ago!

Just last week Sears sent an offer to my Dad because he is a valued customer, it came to my address here in Florida. My Dad has never lived in Florida and he died 10 years ago! I’ve moved three or four times since he died yet his mail still managed to find me; I thought I’d be sneaky and move to another continent but his mail found its way to me in the UK! At least once a month I get something with his name on it. GEORGE IS DEAD! Stop sending him mail, let him rest in peace.

I got a catalog from Roman’s Woman’s clothes with a threatening message: “this could be your last catalog if you don’t order NOW!” That was four years and at least 30 catalogs ago and just last week they “warned” me again. I’ve gotta say, you people aren’t very good at breaking up, you don’t take rejection well! I flipped through one of your catalogs the other day and you’re still advertising the SAME CLOTHES you were advertising the last time I ordered from you back in 1995, good to know should I get invited to a 90’s theme party.

If all of this isn’t bad enough, Ms Sadie Maxwell has had more than one pre-approved credit card offers. Ms Sadie Maxwell? Hello??? Is anyone home??? SADIE AND MAXWELL ARE MY DOGS!! Should they use their microchip numbers in place of the social security number? They don’t need credit card offers because even in doggie years they are still teenagers!

At first getting mail for Dad was upsetting but now its just ridiculous. I’m convinced if I can stop the junk mail from coming to me for products I no longer own, my dogs and my Dad I can save a small forest from destruction.

I tried getting off the junk mail list but it took away the coupons I really did want, I’ve found it’s an all or nothing venture but I’m not sitting back quietly anymore. I’m going to use those little postage paid envelops they send and I’m going to send them LOVE LETTERS! Just the other day I sent VISA coupons for Domino's pizza and MASTER CARD Pizza Hut coupons. Apologies in advance to the person who opens the self addressed no postage necessary envelop that came with this offer, it contains a big note saying “I’m A DOG” with muddy paw prints all over it and a bit of their black fur plucked straight from their dog brush. I’m also going to let Romans Woman’s clothes know I’m breaking up with them for good and if they don’t stop stalking me I’m going to get a restraining order. Finally, I’m going to find the address for the cemetery where Dad is buried and tell those companies who want to sell him life insurance, health insurance, cowboy boots and home improvement exactly where they can find him!

Can you breathe easier now? I know I can, its all the extra oxygen in the atmosphere from the trees I just saved from destruction.