Internal Conversations

12 week workout schedule posted – check

Weight, body fat weight, body fat %, body water % and bone density measured – check

Measurements for 10 body parts recorded – check

I’m in the first few days of this and sugar cravings are hitting me hard. I’m really trying to limit the sugar I have in my diet to those found naturally in fruits. My body and my brain are having this internal struggle and I’ve decided to write it down because its something I’ve been through countless times craving foods. While most of this is a lighthearted look at myself, the premises of this is real.

I need to head out to the grocery store this morning but since last night I’ve been obsessing over a certain sugary food item. My mind has been completely fixated on this item since I realized I needed to go to the store today. Before bed I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror and asked myself to please not buy that item:

Think of the 12 week plan

Think of what sugar does to your body

Think of your heart, your lungs, your liver, and your kidneys

And then I begged myself not to buy this item and myself replied with “we’ll see”.  “We’ll see” is the phrase my Mom would use when I was a kid and asking/nagging her for something, to do something, to go somewhere, to eat something, she’d always say “we’ll see” While “we’ll see” didn’t always apply to food but I soon learned that “we’ll see” almost always meant no. 

During my 3am stumble to the bathroom, once again my thoughts went to this food and I was already imagining how those first few bites would taste and then I stopped myself and tried to tell myself that I promised not to eat it but myself said…oh no I didn’t promise, I said “we’ll see” its 3am and you're still obsessing over this food...you are CRAZY, they are going to lock you up and throw away the key...oh shut up and go back to bed.  

So I sit here this morning, trying to get past this sugar craving, and focusing only on the next 12 weeks. I’ve just finished breakfast and I’ll head to the store with a full stomach and push aside my overwhelming desire to eat that sugary concoction. 

What will happen if I do buy this item? Oh sure it will taste good going down for the first few bites but after that guilt will start to set in, I’ll start to feel sick and I’ll start to have thoughts of throwing the item away. My stomach will become full and I’ll keep eating anyhow because I need to make this go away, I need to get rid of it so that tomorrow I won’t be tempted and I don’t want to waste it. After it’s gone I’ll glance at the nutrition label and calculate the calories. The word nutrition label is a joke because there isn’t anything even remotely nutritious about this item…and then I’ll notice that its full of trans fat. The guilt will grow inside of me and then the tears and self loathing will start. My day is ruined.

So will I give in to temptation and buy this item? We’ll see…and this time we’ll see doesn’t just mean no, it means HELL NO!