just another day in paradise

Its a rainy day here in paradise and I find myself curled up on the sofa with a book. If my hands are holding a book I can't eat right?

So far this week I've been on track with the exercise schedule for my 12 week experiment? 12 week plan? I'm not really sure what I'm calling it but I'm using the next 12 weeks to do more soul searching and really look at the patterns in my life. I'm recalling painful memories and having enough light bulb moments to power the entire state of Florida.

One of the things that is standing out in my mind this week is a conversation I had with Ken. They had an advertisement on the radio for Universal Studios or Disney, I can't recall which one and he said he really wanted to get the season pass from Costco and out of habit and out of reality I said to him "lets do that next year once I've lost some weight" He mumbled a reply but my answer to his suggestion has been haunting me.

How many times have I told him "we'll do that next year" or "sure, once I lose some weight" We have bikes sitting in our storage shed that we've never taken for a ride because my bike won't support my weight. We've been to the amusement parks when I've had free tickets through an old job and I've made him go on rides by himself because I wouldn't fit in the seat. I remember at Disney World two years ago, our last trip to a park, I suggested we go on the train ride because it was "safe" I knew I'd fit on the bench seat.

We walked up to the train station just as the train was pulling in and we climbed the steps to the platform and he went through the turnstile and I didn't fit. Not even close. No way, no how would I fit through that thing. Usually there is a stroller or wheelchair entrance right next to the turnstile so it hadn't been an issue for me. However the train was different. Able bodied people walked up the steps, there was a ramp for strollers and wheelchairs. Ken was on the other side and I couldn't fit. The train was at the station and he looked back just before he stepped on and saw me standing there unable to fit through. There were people behind me waiting to get through, I turned around and pushed my way back down the steps and ran around to the ramp, gasping for air I struggled to make it up there in time to catch the train. When I reached the top the worker stopped me and said "you can't come through this entrance, you have to come through the other entrance" I don't know if she saw the fear or panic in my eyes or if she just looked me over and realized because she changed her tune and said "come on through"

If this story were unique or if it were the pivotal moment or final straw that made me lose weight, you might think this story has some meaning. But its not unique. There was our anniversary when I made reservations at a fancy restaurant after carefully reviewing photos of the dining room online only to get there and find they had remodeled. There was a flight from London to Tampa when I heard the stewardess ask the man sitting alone in our row of three to move for his own comfort. There was the time he wanted to stop at this beach front cafe to have dinner and watch the sunset and I said no because they had those little plastic chairs. Or the time when I was living in London and my cousin was living in Paris and she begged me to come and see her but I made up an excuse because I knew I wouldn't fit in the train seat. The list goes on and on. How many embarrassments and humiliations do I have to face? How many final straws will it take for me to finally make this work? How many times do I have to let him down? How many times do I have to let myself down?

Today the I opened an email from sparkpeople and saw this quote.....

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending." -- Maria Robinson

I'm ready to start today, I'm ready to make a new ending.