Resilience
re·sil·ience
[ri-zil-yuhns, ri-zil-ee-uhns]-noun1 . the power or ability to return to the original form, position, etc., after being bent, compressed, or stretched2. ability to recover readily from illness, depression, adversity or the like.
Resilience is something I’ve always had. When things weren’t going my way I’d smile and say “I always land on my feet” It was true. I wouldn’t say I led a charmed life but rather a safe life, a semi-charmed life. I didn’t take chances; I stayed within the parameters of familiar. Oh sure I had a lot of adventures, I travelled and led a busy and active life. But it was always in my little safe zone.
Somewhere along the way, I’ve lost my resilience. Repeated bending, compressing and adversity have left me feeling like I’m on the outside looking in. For the past 10 or 11 years it’s been one thing after another. I started taking chances and fell on my face way too many times. Somewhere along the way I feel like I’ve lost my identity.
On Monday things just got to be too much and on Tuesday I retreated inside of myself. I felt empty and unemotional. Ken was very concerned. He kept asking what was up with me, what was wrong. Sadie stayed by my side all day. Max tried to offer me his favorite toy but finally just settled for resting his chin on my leg. I just felt like an empty shell.
Finally around 11pm last night something inside of me just clicked and I realized why I felt so empty. My whole life I’d use food to fill that void. When things were rough or life handed me disappointments, I used food to fill that void. Yesterday I didn’t use food. Yesterday I gave food very little thought. I only ate small nutritious meals that I had preplanned. But I barely ate that. My calories were quite low and I wasn’t physically hungry yet I had this big empty void inside of me.
I’ve known for quite a while that I’m an emotional eater but I think that yesterday it finally clicked that I’ve not only used food to sooth me and fill the void but that I can feel that void and NOT use food to fill it and guess what? Either way, the void is still there. Food can’t fill the void. Food will never fill the void. Food is the cheap and easy way out. Cheap and easy just isn’t working for me anymore. I need real substance in my life. Substance that isn’t found at a drive thru, that isn’t found at the bottom of an ice cream carton, that isn’t found in a pizza box.
I can’t control certain circumstance but I can take steps to build a better foundation, I can rebuild me from the ground up, from the inside out. And all of those times falling on my face? They call that experience.
I'm proud of you for not using food to fill the void. Hugs from me and Nora!
ReplyDeleteI'm not going to get all preachy here...I promise! But I realized a long time ago that God created all of us with a void that needed to be filled - by Him.
ReplyDeleteWhenever I've tried to fill it with anything else - it hasn't worked. And then I eventually go back to trying to fill it with what never worked in the first place.
A viscious cycle. So I'm sticking with Him.
That void does need to be filled with something. Husbands and dogs can play a big part in that:)
ReplyDeleteSending you hugs that you find what you need to fill your void :) And I am so happy that you have realised that, it can't be filled with food.
ReplyDeleteI've had a lot of that falling on my face "experience" stuff in my life, too. And yes, you can rebuild yourself. I have experience with that, too.
ReplyDeletePhew - powerful post, Diana. Powerful insight, too. I've used those same words before: I have a void that food can’t fill. Actually, it's one that nobody can fill but me. Once I learned to do that, I not only felt at peace, but the weight came off for the first time in my life (never mind that I'm trying to take it off again!)
ReplyDeleteI'm concerned about your sadness, but I'm thrilled for what you realized because of it. You're amazing, my friend.
amazing victory, SJ.
ReplyDeleteand, IMO, lora has a good point. WHOMEVER your deity (types the Jewish woman :)).
thinking of you.
M.
Great revelation. Thanks for sharing it, I'm going through the same thing. Glad I'm not alone.
ReplyDeleteGrace and blessings to you.
that is a great thing to realize. I know I had a similar realization as well. while it does hurt more to actually feel that void, it sure is a lot healthier and thats what Ive come to realize. great job with sticking to your healthy plans even though things are rough.
ReplyDeleteWow! Great post. I know I, too, use food to fill voids and otherwise soothe. How phenomenal to make the connection "real time" (while feeling the hole). I do hope the sadness disipates and the hole starts to fill with joy.
ReplyDeleteI think EVERYONE here can relate to how you are feeling on some level, Lord knows I do. I'm 38, overweight, no husband or children...I have LOTS of voids and some days it's more overwhelming than others. Some days it's what gets me on the treadmill. You may not understand the journey but once you reach your destination everything will become crystal clear.
ReplyDeleteDiana that was an amazing post and really toched me. This whole weight loss thing is such a journey of self discovery isn't it!?
ReplyDeleteAnyway I would love if you stop by and share your link so my readers may find you? http://www.benaturallywell.com/blog/add-your-blog/ I think they are missing out if you don't!
I also opened the forum yesterday. If you would consider participating we could all be helping each other!. :-)
Many Blessings,
Shelley
Whenever I've been wandering through an emotional landscape like that, the worst part is it feels like I'm unable to reach through to anyone else, even someone I love. There's a barrier between me and them that I can't break.
ReplyDeleteThe best thing I can do then is to hug my puppy. Sometimes animals can break through the barrier, at least a little bit.
(((puppy hugs)))
And yes, good for you for not trying to fill the void with food!
ReplyDeleteWhat a great post!!! I think you are so great.
ReplyDeleteIt's a big step to start analyzing why you are feeling what you are feeling before turning the emotions off by being on auto pilot with the food. Sounds like you've been doing a lot of thinking.
ReplyDeleteDiana,
ReplyDeleteYour use of the word resilience caught my attention. Although our mental resilience is challenged don't give up on our physical resislence, the miracle of our body's resilience to repair the damage of carrying around too much bodyweight for any length of time (me...most of my life 40-120lbs.). It's never too late to experience unbelievable health. It's never too late to fall in love with our bodies, again, or for me the first time in my life at the age of 42 (now 45).
You have not lost your resilience, it is not your choice, it's always there for you. Realize that you can be a happy person, and still experience sadness...at the same time. Your true nature is joy...it's there whether you remember or not....it's there.
That was a huge realization you just came to! In my case, I always found my happiness through *other* people. I relied on outside things and people to make me happy. That is a huge burden to give someone else. I finally figured out, the only true happiness is within myself. Its like I had to *learn* how to make myself happy. I allowed people and siuations to steel my joy. Don't let anything or anyone steel your joy!
ReplyDeleteAnd BTW- I isn't it true how animals know when you are down. My dog always comes up to me and puts his little head on my lap when I'm sad. That, my friend, is unconditional love! =)
Great post Diana! And I'm happy for you for figuring this out for yourself. I think a lot of us feel the same void and use the same technique with food. Food is like a drug, a temporary high, a distraction from the actual issues that are present in my life, a patch on the ripped pair of jeans, a pick me up when I'm feeling particularly down. Instant gratification, instead of long term satisfaction (and health).
ReplyDeleteI read something on another blog the other day along the lines of 'people give up what they ultimately want, for what they want right now'. That sums it up brilliantly.
hugs
using food to fill the voids in our lives is like putting water in an empty gas tank... doesn't make it run any better....
ReplyDeletewhy is it so much easier to write about than do???