calm

I can’t believe it’s the last day of July. I started this blog in May of 2007 by transferring over a few posts from a blog on another site, then in June I transferred a few more posts. July…nothing. Then in August something happened. I copied over a few more posts and a new habit started that has become Scale Junkie. I really consider August to be the start of it all so I’m calling August the one year anniversary of the Scale Junkie blog. No this doesn’t mean I'll be serving cake, instead I'm serving myself a kick in the pants, you can have one too if you really want one but you'll have to give it to yourself.

I’ve weighed over 300 pounds for over 10 years and at several times over 400 pounds. Life has been a series of rollercoaster rides. I won’t get into that but those of you who know me know that the past 10 years have been particularly difficult for a variety of reasons.

I’m doing really well with my 12 week plan. I’m on track, on plan and I’m exercising. I am not going to weigh or measure until the end of the 12 weeks. I’ve put a little countdown clock on the blog for a reminder to myself…I only have to do this for 71 more days. The end of the countdown actually falls on our anniversary so I’m already looking forward to a nice dinner out and our celebration but I’m not planning a big indulgence. Something seems to be missing.

 

So what is missing? The cravings and the roller coaster of emotions. I still have a mountain of bills to pay, I still have employment worries between me and Ken but I have a sense of calm that I just can’t explain. What has changed? I’ve been exercising, I've cut out most processed foods, cut out the sugar and I’ve started the deep breathing exercises.

Cammy from Tippy Toe Diet said she does the same thing but when she inhales she says “Let” and on exhale “Go” I really like that and I’m going to try that tonight, thanks Cammy. 

Is this what normal is like? Is this what everyone else feels all of the time? Is this what its like to not feel like you’re going 100 miles an hour in 100 directions at once? This sense of calm and inner peace that I've heard about and read about but thought were just marketing ploys?

Whatever it is, I really like this feeling. I’m sleeping better and I just feel better all around. One thing I know for sure, I don’t want to spend another year in the 300 club. I want to go out with such a bang that I’m banned for life and never let back in the 300’s again.

Learning to relax and a trip to Costco

I like Costco on a Wednesday morning. It’s not crowded and I can stop and read the labels on everything without some pushy person trying to mow me over with their overfilled shopping cart. The only drawback is when I get home and Ken isn’t there to say “it’s ok honey, I’ll bring in the groceries…you chill” But I like to make a game of it now after reading how Nan over at Running from the Pudge turned chores like carrying a lot of stuff from one place to another into a Biggest Loser type challenge for herself by pretending she was racing against the clock. So thats what I did today.

• Step 1. Arrive home
• Step 2. Open the door and get thoroughly greeted by Sadie and Max
• Step 3. Open trunk
• Step 4. Tell Sadie and Max to get OUT of the trunk
• Step 5. Start grabbing as much as you can carry and rush to the kitchen with it while stepping around the obstacle course…that would be Sadie and Max who have spotted their bag of treats and have started doing back flips in front of me in hopes of sampling said treats.
• Step 6. Repeat until trunk/boot is empty.

There, wasn’t that easy? The groceries are all in the house now and you’ve completed a little workout. Now its time to relax.

They say that getting a good night’s sleep is crucial for weight loss and sometimes my mind is racing and I have a hard time falling asleep.  I heard something the other day on the radio that really helped me sleep last night. It said that if you can slow your breathing to 10 breaths per minute for 10 minutes it will make you relaxed and help you sleep. You simply need to inhale for 3 seconds and exhale for 3 seconds for 10 minutes. I tried this last night before bed, I haven’t slept so soundly in ages.

Next week....

For the past year I’ve justified eating things that aren’t in my bodies best interest by telling myself I’d work extra hard next  week. I really saw myself when I read a post that Life Should be Stereo wrote last week about how she knew she was going to be away and didn't have to weigh in so she went ahead and indulged telling herself she had an extra week to make up for it.  How often had I told myself that lie? How often have I said I'll start tomorrow, I'll start Monday or I'll start next week? Too often.

Is it procrastination, self sabotage or something else? I worry about my health, my heart in particular and I know my heart works very hard pumping blood to my morbidly obese body. My lungs work hard to deliver oxygen to the blood stream to fuel the heart. The rest of the organs are doing their jobs, keeping this machine ticking. All they know is what I’m giving it today. My body doesn’t know that I have good intentions, that I’ve promised it healthy foods tomorrow or  next week. Its just trying to make use of what I give it NOW and if I give it garbage it does its best to keep performing for me but endless empty promises and garbage take its toll. How dare I be upset that it doesn't look the way I want when I'm the one pouring garbage in it?

How many times have I had a meal that was off plan and thought “oh I’ve blown it for the day, I might as well eat whatever I want for the rest of the day, weekend or week” I’m slowly learning that every meal counts. I'm slowly learning that just because you over indulge at breakfast does NOT mean that the rest of the day should be a free-for-all. It does not mean that the whole day is a waste and it doesn't mean the rest of the week is wasted.

Have you ever had a car accident or gotten a speeding ticket? What happens to your driving pattern afterwards? You’re extra careful, you take your time, you slow down and you proceed with caution taking great care not to get into another accident or get another speeding ticket. For a minute think of your body as a car. We have to give it the best quality fuel for top performance. Try putting garbage in the tank and its not going to run so good. Suppose you put a dent in your fender, would you say “Oh my car has a dent in it, I might as well go put more dents in it? Pass the sledge hammer, I think this dent isn’t big enough and I’d like to smash it up a bit more” NO WAY! You paid a lot of money for that car and you’re going to get it fixed ASAP and make it look shiny and new again. It’s the same thing when I go off plan and put a dent in my plan and I need to fix the dent and keep driving carefully down that road towards my goal. There will be times when I have minor fender benders but I’m going to be extra careful after so as not to cause any more dents.

We take such good care of our things but we don’t take care of our most important machine. I don’t want to drive the car full of dents anymore. I want a sleek high performance sports car.

Time For the FRIDAY Summer Blog Party!!

This week we're headed to over to Losing Irene's blog for her Summer Blog Party! If she doesn't have her party post up, keep checking back, she'll have it posted soon! Be sure to check out some of the photos on her site too of her and her beautiful baby girl, she looks just like her Mommy!

 

Still going on for the month of JULY! 

The Big Girl Big Step, count your steps, win a great prize or just head over to her blog and cheer them on. Hurry, the stepping challenge is only going on through the month of July!

 

On going parties and challenges! 

DaDiva Street is partying all summer long. She has already had two fabulous giveaways but you have to keep checking her blog because you never know what she has up her sleeve.

 

Thinking Thin Too is still hosting the Biggest Loser Challenge…who will be the Biggest Loser? Head on over to her blog to check the latest status reports.

just another day in paradise

Its a rainy day here in paradise and I find myself curled up on the sofa with a book. If my hands are holding a book I can't eat right?

So far this week I've been on track with the exercise schedule for my 12 week experiment? 12 week plan? I'm not really sure what I'm calling it but I'm using the next 12 weeks to do more soul searching and really look at the patterns in my life. I'm recalling painful memories and having enough light bulb moments to power the entire state of Florida.

One of the things that is standing out in my mind this week is a conversation I had with Ken. They had an advertisement on the radio for Universal Studios or Disney, I can't recall which one and he said he really wanted to get the season pass from Costco and out of habit and out of reality I said to him "lets do that next year once I've lost some weight" He mumbled a reply but my answer to his suggestion has been haunting me.

How many times have I told him "we'll do that next year" or "sure, once I lose some weight" We have bikes sitting in our storage shed that we've never taken for a ride because my bike won't support my weight. We've been to the amusement parks when I've had free tickets through an old job and I've made him go on rides by himself because I wouldn't fit in the seat. I remember at Disney World two years ago, our last trip to a park, I suggested we go on the train ride because it was "safe" I knew I'd fit on the bench seat.

We walked up to the train station just as the train was pulling in and we climbed the steps to the platform and he went through the turnstile and I didn't fit. Not even close. No way, no how would I fit through that thing. Usually there is a stroller or wheelchair entrance right next to the turnstile so it hadn't been an issue for me. However the train was different. Able bodied people walked up the steps, there was a ramp for strollers and wheelchairs. Ken was on the other side and I couldn't fit. The train was at the station and he looked back just before he stepped on and saw me standing there unable to fit through. There were people behind me waiting to get through, I turned around and pushed my way back down the steps and ran around to the ramp, gasping for air I struggled to make it up there in time to catch the train. When I reached the top the worker stopped me and said "you can't come through this entrance, you have to come through the other entrance" I don't know if she saw the fear or panic in my eyes or if she just looked me over and realized because she changed her tune and said "come on through"

If this story were unique or if it were the pivotal moment or final straw that made me lose weight, you might think this story has some meaning. But its not unique. There was our anniversary when I made reservations at a fancy restaurant after carefully reviewing photos of the dining room online only to get there and find they had remodeled. There was a flight from London to Tampa when I heard the stewardess ask the man sitting alone in our row of three to move for his own comfort. There was the time he wanted to stop at this beach front cafe to have dinner and watch the sunset and I said no because they had those little plastic chairs. Or the time when I was living in London and my cousin was living in Paris and she begged me to come and see her but I made up an excuse because I knew I wouldn't fit in the train seat. The list goes on and on. How many embarrassments and humiliations do I have to face? How many final straws will it take for me to finally make this work? How many times do I have to let him down? How many times do I have to let myself down?

Today the I opened an email from sparkpeople and saw this quote.....

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending." -- Maria Robinson

I'm ready to start today, I'm ready to make a new ending.  

Internal Conversations

12 week workout schedule posted – check

Weight, body fat weight, body fat %, body water % and bone density measured – check

Measurements for 10 body parts recorded – check

I’m in the first few days of this and sugar cravings are hitting me hard. I’m really trying to limit the sugar I have in my diet to those found naturally in fruits. My body and my brain are having this internal struggle and I’ve decided to write it down because its something I’ve been through countless times craving foods. While most of this is a lighthearted look at myself, the premises of this is real.

I need to head out to the grocery store this morning but since last night I’ve been obsessing over a certain sugary food item. My mind has been completely fixated on this item since I realized I needed to go to the store today. Before bed I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror and asked myself to please not buy that item:

Think of the 12 week plan

Think of what sugar does to your body

Think of your heart, your lungs, your liver, and your kidneys

And then I begged myself not to buy this item and myself replied with “we’ll see”.  “We’ll see” is the phrase my Mom would use when I was a kid and asking/nagging her for something, to do something, to go somewhere, to eat something, she’d always say “we’ll see” While “we’ll see” didn’t always apply to food but I soon learned that “we’ll see” almost always meant no. 

During my 3am stumble to the bathroom, once again my thoughts went to this food and I was already imagining how those first few bites would taste and then I stopped myself and tried to tell myself that I promised not to eat it but myself said…oh no I didn’t promise, I said “we’ll see” its 3am and you're still obsessing over this food...you are CRAZY, they are going to lock you up and throw away the key...oh shut up and go back to bed.  

So I sit here this morning, trying to get past this sugar craving, and focusing only on the next 12 weeks. I’ve just finished breakfast and I’ll head to the store with a full stomach and push aside my overwhelming desire to eat that sugary concoction. 

What will happen if I do buy this item? Oh sure it will taste good going down for the first few bites but after that guilt will start to set in, I’ll start to feel sick and I’ll start to have thoughts of throwing the item away. My stomach will become full and I’ll keep eating anyhow because I need to make this go away, I need to get rid of it so that tomorrow I won’t be tempted and I don’t want to waste it. After it’s gone I’ll glance at the nutrition label and calculate the calories. The word nutrition label is a joke because there isn’t anything even remotely nutritious about this item…and then I’ll notice that its full of trans fat. The guilt will grow inside of me and then the tears and self loathing will start. My day is ruined.

So will I give in to temptation and buy this item? We’ll see…and this time we’ll see doesn’t just mean no, it means HELL NO!  

I'm moving

Starting today I’ll no longer be living in Denial Florida (that’s near Crazytown by the way) I’ve carefully packed my bags, leave all the crap in that big pit and I’m burying it where it belongs.  

For about a year I’ve blogged regularly on this blog and  I’ve told you all  about what I’m doing or what I intend to do but somewhere along the way, things got lost, got pushed aside or just plain got screwed up. I thought I had gotten rid of a lot of baggage but I must have left a return address because it keeps showing back up on my doorstep. I’ve lost and gained the same 20 pounds over and over again for the past year. It’s been a viscous circle of ups and downs. I could sit here and give you reasons, illness, holidays, remodeling but does it matter? There will always be something going on in life that make conditions less than perfect. Good intentions aren’t enough. Exercise without diet, diet without exercise, been there done that. Diet and exercise, fall down, stay down, wallow in self pity for a while, cry, wallow some more, hate myself and then slowly dig out of this pit only to fall back into it a few days, weeks, months later.

I’m filling the pit with the excess baggage and I’m inviting you to do the same thing. Lets fill up the pits we keep falling into, put up warning signs and caution tape and let’s keep from falling in those pits of denial and despair.

So I thought, where do I go from here? I’ve spent the past year changing what I eat, how I eat, how I move and it’s just not clicking, all the pieces of the puzzle are there but I’m not able to put them all together. So I took a step back and mentally looked down from above at everything. I talked to my family and a few friends. With their input I’ve created a 12 week plan for myself.

After reflecting I realized that I get discouraged when the weight loss stops or when things slow down. Instead of buckling down, I start circling that deep pit and looking inside, taunting it and teasing it, putting one foot over the edge. Sitting on the edge and dangling my feet until I finally slip and fall and land on the bottom again.

I’ve clawed my way out of that pit so many times to get back to the weight I was before or the size I was before and then and only then would I feel like I’ve made progress. Enough already. I’m done with the pit. The pit is gone, I’ve burned the map and lost the keys. I’m no longer a resident in Denial Florida.

I know that I’ve made a LOT of progress in the past year. I’ve lost toxic friendships and gained new supportive ones. I’ve met a lot of wonderful people along the way. I’ve learned so much about myself and what my body is capable of and I’ve learned how easily you can lose that progress if you don’t keep up with it.

Instead of looking at the big picture, I’m breaking my life down into 12 week blocks of time. I’ve plotted a chart that starts today and goes through October 11^th. When I sat down to plan out 12 weeks I had no idea that it would end on October 11^th, which happens to be our wedding anniversary, but I’m really glad that it does because it’s a definitive date that I’m already looking forward to. Today I’m taking body measurements, photos and my weight using the scale that measures body fat and body water. I’ll take them again in 6 weeks and again at the end of the 12 week period. After 12 weeks I’ll share my results with you no matter how they turn out. For what it’s worth, I’m doing three days of strength training, 3 days of cardio and using the 7^th day as a flex day. I’ll rest if I need to rest but the flex day falls on Sunday which is typically a day that Ken and I spend together doing something active.

I have tried so hard to jump back on track and stay on track and I do well for a few days or a few hours but I allow myself to think about the big picture. I think about the 200 pounds I need to lose and suddenly it’s all I can think about. I get overwhelmed, discouraged, disgusted, lather, rinse, repeat and I'm left at the bottom of the pit staring up wondering what the hell just happened...over and over and OVER again. ENOUGH already! So I’m moving out of Denial USA, I’m canceling my membership  at that place I always go to in Crazytown and I’m moving on to new territory and this time, I've brought the map.

Conversations in a Target parking lot

Why didn't you tell me there was someone pulling out of the parking spot on your side

I did tell you

No you didn't

Well I thought it really loud

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I told you to stay in the car, there is a lot of money in that car and you know the locks don't work and the window won't roll up....

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Where did we leave the car?

Next to that blue truck that was backing out (of the parking spot ) as we were pulling in

I don't see a blue truck anywhere....

(Gee, you think maybe the people in the blue truck would have the courtesy to wait until you're done shopping before they leave so you can find your car again when you're done shopping)

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If you don't behave, I'm going to tell Santa

Mom, my birthday is before Christmas

Oh you lost your birthday present the day you decided to wash the cat.....

(I wonder how bad washing a cat could be that the poor kid lost his bday gift over it? I really wanted to get her to explain that one but Ken wouldn't let me)

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Its not like we hang out in the Target parking lot, people were just talking WAY too loud last night. Ok, I confess, the first conversation was between Ken and I :-)

You know what time it is....

Its party time!!

Are you ready to party? Saucha is giving away a gorgeous handcrafted necklace that she will personalize especially for you!  How cool is that? To enter head over to her blog and leave a comment between July 18^th and July 25^th for your chance to win.

Still going on for the month of JULY! 

The Big Girl Big Step, count your steps, win a great prize or just head over to her blog and cheer them on. Hurry, the stepping challenge is only going on through the month of July!

On going parties and challenges! 

DaDiva Street is partying all summer long. She has already had two fabulous giveaways but you have to keep checking her blog because you never know what she has up her sleeve.

 

Thinking Thin Too is still hosting the Biggest Loser Challenge…who will be the Biggest Loser? Head on over to her blog to check the latest status reports. 

Mirror Mirror on the...refrigerator?

The other day we were at the mall and as we walked through Sears a refrigerator caught my eye. I know what you’re thinking, my healthy eating has me looking for food in refrigerators at the mall but I can assure you that’s not what caught my eye. The front of this refrigerator was mirrored.

Talk about a good way to keep from over eating, you have to look at a full length vision of yourself before you open the refrigerator or freezer door. Perhaps we’re on to something here?

I have to admit that my eyes avoid mirrors for the most part because I don’t want to see my reflection but as we stopped to look at this refrigerator I thought WOW, I actually think I look slimmer in this reflection. In my mind I was demolishing my kitchen and knocking down a wall to fit this very large refrigerator while simultaneously calculating the cost of just packing up and moving to a house that would hold this $2900 refrigerator with the enchanted mirror.

Not trusting my eyes I called Ken over and said “look at yourself” and immediately he began pushing down his hair that was standing up on top of his head and I said “not your hair, look at your body” Of course once he realized I wasn’t trying to point out a stain on his shirt or his hair standing up he stopped and said “I look skinny” Ken is a healthy weight for his height but this proved that it wasn’t just me.

Upon closer inspection I realized that this was a case of “objects may be closer than they appear” I think we looked thinner because it looked like we were a little bit further back than we actually were. As I snapped back to reality I mentally put the wall back up in the kitchen and thought about how crazy I must be to even consider another kitchen demolition when I'm still coughing up dust from the latest kitchen remodel. When I got home I checked and actually it would fit in my kitchen, for some reason it just looked so huge and imposing in the store but lets be serious here...anyone who knows me knows there is no way in hell I'm paying $3000 for a mirrored refrigerator and anyone who has been in my house knows you can't even get a good look at yourself in the front of the refrigerator because of the cabinet position, pah, I wonder if they make this mirror in sliding patio door size so I can see my new slimmer self while I workout.

Mostly rainy with a chance of rain

Its been raining a lot here lately and last night they attributed it to a tropical depression. Not to be confused with a tropical storm, tropical storms bring wind and rain, tropical depressions just bring rain. After months of drought rain is exactly what we needed. Remember a few months ago when they installed the new internet service? They spent hours digging up our front yard because they lost the probe that they use to burrow under the ground to save them digging. They found it NINE feet under the ground. Now that we’ve finally had rain, the area where they dug up has settled resulting in a basketball size impression in our front yard about 12 inches deep. There is another area that is quite spongy and I have a feeling it needs fixed as well.

A few weeks ago when I was preparing the house for the installation of the new floors I came across the business card from the company who dug the nine foot deep ditch in my front yard and I nearly threw it away but something inside of me said…keep this card. I’m so glad I did. I called the man and thought for sure he’d remember me but apparently my yard was not the only yard where a probe was lost. He said as soon as he pulled up to the house he remembered and recalled the details and the problems they had locating the missing probe. He is coming back later today or tomorrow to fix the problem.

My shoulder is still painful although heat seems to be helping. I managed to walk a mile this morning while the rain stayed to the south of us and it was a quite cool 75 degrees yet very humid at 97%. I checked the weather and it read.

It looks like a week of more of the same. Rainy and humid with lightning bolts. Its days like this where I’m happy to work from home yet something about rainy days that make me want to curl under the covers with a big bowl of soup and crackers and just stay there all day. Of course in reality I'd complain if there were cracker crumbs in my bed but still a girl has to have her fantasies, haha. 

I’m happy to say that a trip to the grocery store yesterday didn’t not result in comfort food overload, I had made a list and I stayed with it. The past week I’ve struggled with wanting to binge eat. For the most part I’ve refrained. I’ve reminded myself on more than one occasion that my cravings were not real hunger, if it were real hunger anything would satiate the rumbling beast. I am coming to terms with the beast giving it fruits and veggies and saying “like it because its all you’re getting right now” Yes, I have these little conversations with myself, sometimes in my head, sometimes out loud. But lets keep that as our little secret shall we? I don’t have anything in the house that isn’t healthy so if there is a binge in sight it’s going to be on healthy foods. I do have a morning favorite treat that feels like I’m cheating but I’m not. I’ve told another blogger about it and she is hooked too. I have a bowl of cheerios with cinnamon and nutmeg sprinkled on top and if they are honey nut cheerios all the better. I’ve actually traded the honey nut cheerios for plain because of the sugar I’m trying so hard to avoid right now. Weight is down and that’s a great thing, its not back to where I was but I’m working on it. Every day seems to be a little bit better than yesterday, with weather like this, you have to create your own sunshine.

Colorful breakfast

Strawberries and blueberries for breakfast! I've always loved strawberries however I didn't think I liked blueberries because I had only tried them in things such as pancakes or muffins but after trying them fresh a few months ago I've been addicted! What a great addiction they are so healthy they are dubbed a "superfood" They have antioxidants and anti inflammatory and are said to be brain food. So only will they keep you looking young, they'll keep you smart. Gotta love those blueberries!

The weekend was painful. I have an old injury in my shoulder and its been inflamed and painful for a while now but this past weekend its really taken a turn for the worse. Through massage I've found some relief but its going to take a week or more of massage to get rid of this pain and huge lump in my back. For now, walking is the only exercise I'm able to do so I'm really watching my calories and trying to eat as many fresh and natural foods as I can and hope the results will follow.

If this pain doesn't clear up, my posts will probably be minimal this week because of the pain.

Don't forget to check out Friday's post for the latest on the Summer Blog Party!

July is Flying By...Summer Blog Party Continues

The entire month of July is rocking with the The Big Girl Big Step Challenge. Don’t forget to join in on the fun or at least stop by and cheer them on!

Ongoing Challenges…

Thinking Thin Too’s Biggest Loser challenge is underway and running at full force. Those ladies are doing a fabulous job of supporting each other!

The Grumpy Chair, Why Drive When You Can Walk or Ride Your Bike Challenge is underway and running through Friday August 15. With gas prices going up and up, just call this practice for the future!

DaDiva Street is in a New York Frame of Mind and she wants you to join her. She is giving away prizes, sharing trivia and will have two give aways in August. Head on over to her blog for details.

You know when I started the Summer Blog Party I thought I’d have plenty of time to give it my all but as it turns out, its been a very busy summer. I just wanted to publicly apologize to the blog party hostesses for all of the screw ups, broken links, wrong links, missing links and typos. They are all working so hard to make the challenges work and the summer a fun party time. You already know about most of the stuff I’ve been going through and as I’m working to pull myself out of this funk I’m trying not to neglect anything or anyone but I know I am and I’m sorry. It was either ease back into this or just give up on it all together. I don't want to disappoint anyone else so I've opted to ease back into it along with everything else in my life.

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I don't think that I announced that Trish at Becoming A Better Me was the winner of the random drawing for the Walking Away The Pounds DVD. Congratulations Trish!

Let me out!

I’m feeling stronger every day and back in control. I think that breaking it down into manageable sections really helps. When I first started on my lifestyle change a year ago I started by making one small manageable change at a time. I started by eating a healthy breakfast each day. From there I started eating a minimum of three servings of veggies per day. Next I added two servings of fruit per day and then moved on to only lean proteins and then started switching white bread for whole grain and white rice for brown rice. Within a few months I had given up my old habits for new healthy habits.

When I felt so out of control at the beginning of the week I felt so overwhelmed at the prospect of going back to 100% healthy so I told myself to just eat a healthy breakfast every day this week, cereal with milk and fruit. I found that as soon as I started my day with cereal milk and fruit the rest of the day just sort of gravitated naturally towards healthy choices and I was able to plan healthy menus.

I’m shocked and relieved at the same time because I didn’t think it would be this “easy” to get back on track. Just thinking about it felt like such a chore. I’ve been on countless diets and swore I’d never go back again. I’ve tried to go back to certain diets but failed miserably. Maybe I’m on to something here with the self conditioning. I think the difference is that I’ve taken the word diet out of the equation. I didn’t go back on a “diet” I went back to normal healthy eating.

And it was like the biggest light bulb in the world went off inside of my head. WOW! There is a fit and healthy person on the inside of me and damn it she wants out of this fat suit!

Trading Wishing for Working

Thank you all for your support and encouragement. I know this is a journey not a race but sometimes as you all know, the journey gets overwhelming. Today I’m feeling so uplifted because I know there are so many people out there cheering me on to success.

Yesterday was a really good day. I stayed on track with calories without ever feeling deprived. My refrigerator is stocked with plenty of healthy choices to make it easy to stay on plan. This morning I started my day with a bowl of cheerios and blueberries with low fat milk. I realized that Ken forgot his personal and business cell phone so I jumped in the car and drove 45 minutes to his office hoping to catch him before he headed back out on the road. The entire journey was nonstop business district and I passed every favorite restaurant. Not a single craving.

As I was driving down they were discussing emotional eating on the radio and it said that when you feel hungry for a certain food such as a fast food favorite or other comfort food and that hunger can only be satisfied by eating that food it’s time to take a step back because those aren’t real hunger pains. Real hunger pains can be satisfied with any food. So when I feel hungry for chocolate or lasagna and only those foods will satisfy me, its emotional eating. Yes, this is information I know already but I needed to hear it again…and perhaps again and again until it sinks in.

Meal planning is my responsibility around here. I decide what we will eat each day. Thinking back to when I’ve been most successful in healthy eating and eating in control, I’ve planned menus in advance. I had a game that I played where I’d plan a menu for a week and if during the week I’d have a specific craving I’d pull out the menu for the following week and add it the list but I’d stick with whatever was on the list for that day. I know that when I menu plan my nutritional and caloric needs are being met and I take craving out of the equation. Starting immediately, I’m going back to this. I took inventory in the freezer the other day but I never got around to making the menu plan. Today I plan the menu. I’ve already planned through Sunday. If I have any specific cravings between now and then I’ll add them to next week’s list. If not then I’ll plan for the next 7 days on Saturday.

I know that this might sound like I’m being a control freak but for me it’s the difference between wishing I could lose weight and taking the actions necessary to lose weight. If wishing made you thin and healthy I would have been thin and healthy 30 years ago. It takes hard work and dedication to get thin and healthy and I’m the only person who can do that work, the task is mine and I’m ready to move forward again. Staying in this game mentally is going to be so important for me. I’m so lucky to have so much support in all of you because right now I need it so badly. I’m in a fight for my life.

Where do I go from here?

I look back on the past year and know that I’ve been lying to myself and in turn lying to everyone else. In April I thought I really had it all figured out. I had spent several months’ soul searching and focusing on doing everything right. Then in May I slipped. I stumbled and fell. I got back up again but I kept falling down again and again. I struggled but managed to keep my weight within 7 pounds of my lowest weight, ranging from 355 to 362.

On June 26^th I had a nightmare that I weighed in at 411 pound. I searched through the rubble of our remodel and I found the scale and it read 355. I could live with that especially since it had been bouncing between 355 and 362. With everything going on with the remodel and the stress of day to day life around here I thought it was just a dream but really it was showing me what was to come.

Over the past two weeks I’ve had too much take out, too many convenience foods and snack foods. Too many healthy foods as well. Portion control? What the hell is that again? Someone please remind me.

I’ve put most of the house back in place and that included finding the bathroom scale again and putting it in the bathroom where I can stub my toe on it at 3:45am when I stumble to the bathroom.

This morning I got on the scale and while it didn’t read 411 pounds, it read a number that was completely unacceptable to me. It read a number that undid what I fought so hard to achieve. It read 378 pounds. I’ve gained 23 pounds in less than two weeks. How is that even possible? Sure I had take out but 80,500 calories worth of take out? My calories have been higher but not 5000 a day higher. I went back over a few days and calculated what I ate and there were days when I barely ate 700 calories because I was ill. There were a few days where my calories were closer to 3000 instead of the 2100 that I typically average and one day where my calories were over 3000.

I could ignore all of this and call it “water weight” and just silently got back on plan and worked my way back down to 355, my lowest number and then suddenly start talking about my weight again, but I’m done with the lies. I’m not lying to myself and I’m not lying to you anymore. I played that game at the end of May and beginning of June where I simply maintained my weight. I can feel it in my clothes and I can feel it in my body. I’ve been lethargic, achy and gasping for air. Something has changed in my body and I'm not quite sure whats going on. I've had food allergy suggested to me in the past but I was under the impression that would cause weight loss not weight gain. In 6 weeks we'll have health insurance and I'll go to the doctor.

We went to the International Mall as part of our “staycation” to lust after all of our favorite high end goods like Tiffany's, Coach and Bose. We spent about $10,000 in pretend money at the Apple store and while it was a lot of fun, the stairs were a real eye opener. A task that I did with ease just a few months ago but on Friday this stair climb left me gasping for air. Time for a reality check, I ache because my body is pissed off at me for gaining weight. I ache because my body doesn’t want convenience foods or foods high in sodium. I ache because I’m right back where I started not so long ago.

So now I’m at the point of where do I go from here? I’m not going to go on a crazy diet, in fact I don’t want to go on a diet at all but I need to put some guidelines in place and actually follow them.

I thought I had resolved a lot of the issues after all of that soul searching, clearly I have not. I’m still an emotional eater and I still need to work on these issues. But in the mean time, I need to get back in control of exercise and food. I let this need to dine out for a few weeks turn into a free for all. Clearly I let myself “indulge” too much. Here I am 8 days into July and I still haven’t found that groove that I posted about on July 1^st. Will I be one of those people who have to write every bite for life?

First order of business will be getting back to exercise. We’ve had the bowflex for a few weeks but I haven’t been able to get to it. My exercise bike and elliptical are inaccessible in the garage at this time. I do have a little bit of floor space to do a workout DVD so that’s where I’ll start. Once the extra furniture is removed (hopefully tomorrow) I’ll have access to the Bowflex. I’m hoping that by this weekend I’ll have access to the elliptical and bike again.

Second order of business is going through the refrigerator and freezer and take inventory and create a healthy menu because I know I do best when I plan.

I’m so angry with myself for letting it get to this point. I don’t ever want to see 380 on the scale again. It stops here, it stops now. Back to basics. I have to find a way to reclaim my health and get the scale moving in the right direction again.

Honey would you like some watermelon?

We were in Fresh Market over the weekend and there was a woman handing out samples of yellow watermelon. If I had read this article before visiting her sample stand I might have understood her nudge and wink when she suggested I feed it to my husband. Apparently watermelon has been found to have Viagra like effects. with yellow watermelon having the highest concentration of citrulline.

The good news for those of us not looking for a viagra effect from watermelon, according to the article on Fox News

"Watermelon may not be as organ-specific as Viagra," he said, "but it's a great way to relax blood vessels without any drug side-effects."

I don't know about you, but if eating fruit would cause me to relax a bit, I'd eat it. Unfortunately the article goes on to state that you'd need to eat about 6 cups of watermelon for the effects. Six cups of watermelon would land most people in the bathroom, not the bedroom!!

I suppose its only a matter of time before our email in boxes are filled with offers watermelon pills.

Through the Chaos

Sadie got a bit too curious about what I was painting



Remember the horrible old counter tops



The new counter tops and new sink too!


The old kitchen with nasty ceiling lights and ugly laminate counters and cabinets


Oak cabinets, new lights (we're painting the ceiling tray another color next week), the microwave is now above the range and we have new counter tops and tile on the floor. We still need to tile the back splash

From the other corner of the tiny kitchen



The new counter tops are much wider so the kitchen feels bigger. The industrial gray tile is gone from the floor and I love having a lazy susan in the corner for pots and pans.



Not bad for a budget remodel. I didn't like the oak cabinets at first but I think they look really good next to the black appliances and compliment the tile and granite. We could have spent so much more but for this little house, its perfect!



Its been a rough two weeks but we've made it through! We'll do the back splash before the end of the month and it will finally be DONE! I'll post bathroom photos over the weekend if I have time. It looks really nice too!

.....and now back to our regularly scheduled blogging!

staycation

I’m really looking forward to this three day holiday weekend! Hopefully the chaos will be complete and my house will be back together again by Thursday but even if it isn’t, I’m not going to let that ruin our three days off. Ken has been working 6 days a week, we’ve been working on ripping up carpet and various other projects around this house and in general it’s been a very tiring experience.

I confess that that we haven’t had a vacation in years. When we dated we were living on different continents and our time together was spent flying to see each other. Don’t get me wrong, London and Florida are both decent travel destinations but sometimes I think it would be nice to take a real holiday and go someplace neither of us has been. Of course now we have Sadie and Max to consider and the thought of leaving them for a week is so difficult because we are all they know. They pine for Ken when he isn’t home from work on time. By 6pm each night Sadie is walking around the house whimpering and if I could translate it I know it would say “where is he?” Max sits and looks out the window, waiting to see him pull into the drive. So a vacation right now isn’t something we’d really consider. The only person we’d leave them with is my sister but she works long hours so if we were to go away she’d have to take time off from work to stay with them. Yes I know some of you are thinking they are “just dogs” but they are so much more than that to us. They are family.

In addition to our four legged family members that aren’t welcome everywhere we are, there is the economy. Gas prices are rising, food prices are rising, and the cost of just about everything is rising. Ouch! We are very fortunate to still have gas prices below $4.00 but I don’t expect that to last.

We looked at hotel rates in Orlando and considered hotels that allowed dogs as well as hotels on Florida's East coast that allowed dogs. Many of the hotels are booked because of a car race going on in Daytona but we don't go there, we typically go further south to Vero Beach or Ft Pierce but we just couldn't justify spending double what we'd spend any other weekend just because its the 4th of July weekend.

We live in the Tampa Bay area and we’re quite fortunate to live where we do. We have sunshine most of the year, we have beautiful beaches and theme parks. We're close to Orlando and all it has to offer. We live in a place that people spend their lives dreaming of visiting. We don’t need to go anywhere to be on vacation, we’re already here!

We can stay home and vacation…a staycation. So this weekend, this three day holiday weekend when we should be completing tasks around the house, like the sprinkler system, painting, tiling the back splash in the kitchen, putting everything back where it belong, we’ve decided to have a staycation. We’re staying home but we’re making a vacation out of it.

Friday’s BBQ is still planned but we’ve also planned a few other fun things for the weekend, things to take advantage of where we live and enjoy our beautiful surrounding. Ken has a few ideas and so do I. I’m not sure exactly what we’ll do, a trip to the beach, museum or exploring a historic site; whatever we do, I know we'll have fun.

So if you’re staying home this holiday weekend, why not turn it into a staycation. Go explore local sites and be a tourist or stay home and turn your bedroom into a spa. Put on those luxurious 1000 count sheets, treat yourself to a bubble bath and a pedicure. Experiment with new foods and make a new healthy gourmet recipe, meditate or try yoga. Treat yourself to a bit of luxury at home with your very own staycation!

The Groove

The house is still in complete chaos. They are supposed to install the kitchen countertops tomorrow…for real this time…its laugh or cry so I chose to laugh. I’m just glad I have running water in the bathroom sink again even if its dripping because they didn’t install the new pipes correctly the first time or the second time.

Typically I’d weigh in on the first Tuesday of the month but I’m not going to do that today. The scale is in a very difficult place to reach and I’m not risking a fall from the ladder. I did weigh in last week after a nightmare that I got on the scale and weighed 411 pounds. My weight was 355 still. I’ll take it over 411 any day. I’m never going back to the 400’s again. The sooner I’m out of the 300’s the better!

Speaking of 300’s. My weight has been pretty static. I lose and gain and lose and gain with one excuse after another. July is going to be all about finding my groove.

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I received a blogging award from two people, Thinking Thin Too and Honi. The rules say the award is for creativity, design, interesting material and contributing to the blogging community.

Thinking Thin Too said “You are the reason many of us have come into contact with each other.” And Honi said I was “Always full of sunshine and always a wonderful motivator”

I want to earn those words. Sometimes things and people come into our lives at a certain time for a reason. I think that I’ve met some wonderful people here in the blogging world and I know my life has been touched by so many of you. For me, knowing that I’ve made a difference in a few other lives means the world to me. There is an old saying “if you see someone without a smile, give them one of yours” and I think we all do that, every day with our words. Sometimes a few kind words make all the difference to someone who is struggling.

The rules say I should pick 5 people to give this award to but honestly, there is no way I could pick just five people so I won’t, I’m asking all of you to play along if you want. Here are the rules.

1. Pick five (5) blogs that you consider deserve this award for their creativity, design, interesting material, and also for contributing to the blogging community, no matter what language.

2. Each award has to have the name of the author and also a link to his or her blog to be visited by everyone.

3. Each award winner has to show the award and put the name and link to the blog that has given her or him the award itself.Award-winner and the one who has given the prize have to show the link of “Arte y Pico” blog, so everyone will know the origin of this award (http://arteypico.blogspot.com/)