So much of my life I’ve used food to numb away my pains both emotional and physical. When I was a child and I would have a booboo, Mommy would give me a cookie, Dad would give me ice cream and it would all feel better. As an adult using food went beyond the booboo to out and out self medication to the point where I’d stuff myself so full of food, all I’d feel is the misery in my stomach and it would mask and numb any hurt or painful memories or emotions.
The thing about doing this is that you don’t even realize you’re doing it. An alcoholic reaches for alcohol and a drug addict reaches for drugs and they hear its wrong, when a food addict reaches for food, the consequences are different. Most people don't say anything, some will stare, some will encourage but they don't ship you off to rehab. You don’t get pulled over for the police for driving while stuffed and bloated. If you go through too many drive thrus and buffets they don’t cut you off and say sorry we can’t serve you, you’ve had enough to eat.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, I am a food addict. I've picked food over so many things in life. There have been times when I've turned down invitations because I wanted to be with my food. I worried about traveling with friends because I wanted to make sure I'd have enough food. On business trips I've packed candy and snacks in my suitcase so when alone in the privacy of my hotel room I could be alone and take the edge off with food. I've gone through the drive thrus and ordered a favorite from one place only to drive down the road and order a favorite from another place.
Once on a trip back from the UK, my plane was delayed overnight in Toronto Canada. Exhausted I found a hotel for the night and I ordered food, a large pizza, chicken wings, cheese stick, garlic bread and diet coke. Yes it was just me but I had been in the UK for three weeks, surrounded by other people all of the time, I had to keep my eating in the normal range. I couldn't binge eat and oh how I missed feeling that feeling. When the food was delivered I had to go to the main lobby to pick it up and I remember sharing the elevator ride with a young couple who asked if we were having a party in my room. Surly this amount of food was for a group of people. I remember just laughing and feeling a sense of nervous tension the whole time and this inescapable terror. I just wanted to get back to my room and be alone with my food. All night I watched images of the plane that had crashed earlier that day. The next morning I saw half of a pizza and most of the wings, garlic bread and cheese sticks still sitting there and I cried. I felt guilty about eating the food but I felt guilty at the same time about wasting so much food and then of course I told myself that as soon as I got home it would be different. I would change and I would lose weight. But of course I got home and found all of the Thorntons chocolates and the Belium chocolate in my suitcase I started eating and that giant box I bought to take to work and share, well that never made it to work. By then it was almost Thanksgiving and then almost Christmas so diets could wait til January, in January I would be good, I would be different, I'd change and I'd diet and I'd lose weight and no one would even recognize me...Here it is January 10 years later and I'm still fighting. But its only in the past year that I've realized that I am a food addict and as a food addict I need to treat this as an addiction to take control of my food, change the way I look at food and work towards slow and permanant weight loss.
MizFit had a great face time video post on Monday asking What’s Your PR, PR stands for personal responsibility. If you haven’t checked it out yet, get over there double quick and check it out.
Its easy to blame others, its easy to make excuses but we all have a personal responsibility to own up to our choices. Its easy to sit back and feel sorry for yourself when someone puts you down or criticizes you. Its so important to learn the difference between constructive criticism and mean-spirited comments and know that sometimes you have to cut ties with people who hurt you and try to drag you under with them. But take to heart and listen to those who offer constructive criticism because they often have your best interest at heart and this can help you grow as a person.
If I’ve learned one thing over the past few years its that life is like being on a stream or river. Sometimes its smooth sailing, sometimes you hit rapids and have to hold on for dear life and sometimes you have to swim against the current to get to where you need to go. You can let the river carry you or you can take control of the rudder and wheel and be the captain of your vessel. I’ve spent too much time drifting aimlessly. Time to take the wheel and control the path to the destination. ENOUGH ALREADY!
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