Note to self: you are ready

What was I waiting for? Someone to come marching through my door and do it all for me? Maybe I thought I’d wake up and the pounds would just mysteriously be gone? Maybe I thought that because I indulged and the scale didn’t change for the first week I could continue to indulge and just ignore the scale? But I couldn’t ignore my shrinking clothes. Yet still I continued to indulge.

On January 2nd I faced the scale, got off it and tried it again with the same results. I spent the rest of the day telling myself that I’d do better, that things would change but while cutting up the leftover ham, way too much of it and the sugary brown sugar coating pieces found their way to my mouth. By the end of the day my rings were tight on my fingers and the effects of the excess sodium had found their way to my huge ankles. Seriously, what was I doing to myself? I know better but still I didn’t want to get back on plan.

I found myself sobbing over my weight, the fact that I told myself last year I’d not be in this position next year and I’ve pretty much made myself this promise for the past 20 years. And then Ken came home and we had the heart to heart that we’ve had so many times before, and then my sister showed up and joined in on the conversation. Of course she showed up with cupcakes and birthday cake leftover from the party she had just come from. For the first time ever they both acknowledged their roles in sabotaging my efforts. It made me understand that it wasn’t entirely my fault and that it was my fault too. So we had a bit of ground rules and created the SIN BIN.

The Sin Bin is the garage refrigerator. The cupcakes and the birthday cake were the first items to go in the sin bin, then we gathered up the leftover cookies and anything else I didn’t want to be tempted with and they all went to the sin bin.

So I skipped the cake and cupcakes, are there any left in the sin bin? I couldn’t tell you because I haven’t been in there. I’ve told myself they are stale and disgusting by now anyhow and being the food snob that I am, I like to eat foods at their peak of perfection, not when they are old and stale.

I’ve decided that I’ll weigh in weekly for the year on Friday and I’m going to share my loss or gain on this healthy life and weight loss blog (hello self: thats what this is all about)  I haven’t done that in the past because I was embarrassed but I need to be accountable. I made a deal with myself that I wouldn’t post my weight, just the change in my weight and as much as it hurts I need to put it out there for accountability and for a record. I’m keeping track of my weigh ins on paper too but I’m thinking of finding or making a spreadsheet for excel. I know that this first week I’ll probably lose a LOT of weight from the sodium retention and I know that my weight loss will slow down but that’s when I’m going to need to reread all of my words and remember all of the reasons why I need to do this.

I think one of the things that hit me pretty hard with reality is the part of the conversation I had with Ken about Max. When Max got sick just before Christmas and needed two days of IV fluids, the vet put him on a special diet. I jumped right in and cooked his special foods and I was very strict with everyone about giving him treats because his life was on the line. At this weight my LIFE is on the line too. Ken pointed out that I’m willing to move heaven and earth to make Max better but I don’t do the same thing for myself. He asked me how I’d feel if something happened to Max because of his diet and then asked me how I thought he would feel if something happened to me because of my diet. Reality, I'm ready for my check now.
 
After I dug myself out from under the ton of bricks that just fell on me, I asked myself what I was waiting for? Why does it hurt so much to give up the binging? While I may never know the answer to that question I know one thing for sure. I’m ready to be healthy and I’m ready to do everything it takes to get healthy. I’m ready to lose weight. I’m ready to prepare healthy meals. I’m ready to exercise. I’m ready to live life instead of just existing from day to day. Note to self: YOU ARE READY!