Battling Binge Eating

Sometimes it starts with the tiniest faint memory in the depths of my mind, a hint, a suggestion from cues or triggers around you, on TV maybe, a sound a smell or something else altogether and then something inside of me snaps and the next thing you know I’m surrounded by empty food containers and wondering what the hell just happened. What happened? I’ve just used food as a coping mechanism.

The doctor asked me the other day to tell me about the last time I gained a significant amount of weight and my response was just after I got married. I had been on Weight Watchers for a while before I met Ken, while we dated and right up until our wedding. I had lost over 100 pounds but was still considered morbidly obese. Within about 6 months I regained those 100 pounds. He sort of stumbled over his words when repeated the words gained 100 pounds in six months and I could tell he was rewriting the speech in his head about a lot of couples gaining weight when they are first married but I left him speechless for just a minute. He then asked if I had anything stressful happen in my life before that and while I was tempted to give him the whole story instead I just said yes, took a deep breath and told him that in the span of two weeks’ time I had quit a job after 15 years, my Mom died, I got married and I moved to a foreign country. I said it sofastmywordssortofran together. This wasn't the first time food comforted me.

I can’t remember the first time I binged. I have memories of my childhood and sneaking food. I remember going to the pantry and eating handfuls of brown sugar around the age of seven. When food would disappear my parents assumed my growing brother had eaten it when no one was looking. We had a large chest freezer in the laundry room and I’d take a spoon from the kitchen and scoop a large scoop of ice cream and eat it, then go back for another and another. If there was candy in the house I’d eat it and I’d eat a lot of it. I know now that there were traumas in my life at that age that triggered my binge eating and started me down the path of food abuse.

As I got a little bit older my parents divorced and I moved from my country home to a home in town with my mother. Just through a little alley way behind our home was a shortcut to a little neighborhood store. I remember going there and buying several candy bars at once, I’d tell the clerk my cousins were over and then pretend to count to make sure I got enough and I’d say “Mary wanted a Snickers, Tom wanted a Reeses….” and I’d always make sure I had four candy bars at a time. Eventually my great Aunt started working at the store and I had to get more creative. I’d go in and buy a can of frosting and cake or brownie mix and pretend mom was baking a cake. I had easy hiding places all over our house. We had a four story home that was built into a hillside. From the street it was four stories from the alley it was three. The main level was a summer kitchen and dining room in the front of the house; in the back of the house it had a basement/laundry with a root cellar. The summer kitchen was rarely used because my mom preferred our modern kitchen on the main level and that old refrigerator in the summer kitchen became my safe haven for my overflow of snacks. It was much easier to binge at my Dad’s house; I’d spend every weekend and most every day during the summer. That was probably what kept me from ballooning because at my Dads home in the country I was free to go hiking with my friends and ride bikes. I didn’t gain a lot of weight because I was so physically active. Sure I was chubby and I thought I was bigger than a cow but looking back I wasn’t that big. Dad always made sure I had a steady supply of candy and ice cream, plenty of meals out in restaurants and pizzas. Food was my friend. Food comforted me. Food took away the stress and anxiety that I felt even at that young age.

College brought new stress and anxiety. Pressure to do well in my classes, pressure from my Mom to find a husband and not just any husband...a "suitable husband."  It was harder to binge when I went away to college. I had access to unlimited food but I was a lady and ladies didn’t pig out in front of others, I had to get creative. My mom would buy snacks for my dorm room so I’d have a steady supply and friends would share their snacks. I had a car on campus but because so few students did if I went to the store someone would always want to join me. Luckily I discovered the “care package” I’d call my mom or one of my older sisters and tell them I was homesick and wanted some comfort and a few days later a box full of cookies, Doritos and candy would arrive. I’d tell them I shared the food with my friends, sometimes I did but most of the time I didn’t.

The one thing that remained consistent during my childhood and young adulthood was the need to appear normal to the outside world. I remember adults telling at a young age that I was so mature for my age. On the inside I was filled with rage that very rarely surfaced. I learned to hold it in and keep it tucked away. I had to be a good girl. I was also filled with this need to escape from my family. Had there been an internet back then I probably would have found a way to change my name legally and move away from them.

Moving to Florida was my escape but being on my own brought a whole new set of stress and problems. My sister moved to Florida with me and we struggled financially for the first few months but there was always money for food. We knew all of the places to get the most food for our money. Looking back I should have made a clean break from her and the rest of my family but I couldn’t afford to live the lifestyle that I wanted on my own and the idea of a roommate terrified me. I could get away with binge eating around my sister because she was a binge eater too but it would be harder to hide from a roommate. And so I continued to use food as my drug of choice. I worked with a group of people my age and we worked nights. We’d get together every night after work at one guys house and we’d drink. Some would use drugs but I didn’t want to go there, the alcohol was enough to numb me. He lived right around the corner from my house so it was a convenient stagger home past the 24 hour gas station for chips or something to take the edge off the alcohol. I honestly didn’t like drinking that much so I quickly became the designated driver of the group. I liked the numb feeling alcohol delivered but I still loved the feeling a binge gave me so much more . Binge eating was my one true love. In my early 20’s I had a close group of friends and we did things together, went places together and kept a very active social life of parties, clubs, concerts, festivals and sporting events. Instead of enjoying the time with my friends I’d spend my time thinking about and planning my next binge. We would eat at restaurants but I’d only eat as much as my friends ate. If they ordered salad, I’d order salad. If they ordered sandwiches I’d order a sandwich. If necessary I could always hit a 24 hour grocery store on the way home. To this day it drives Ken crazy because I always demand to know what he’s going to eat. Thankfully I don’t feel the need to base my choice on his anymore but that old habit has not left.

Through all of these times, all of these years of binge eating I’d gain and lose weight over and over again. I remember my Mom making comments about my eating as young as 6 years old. The first real diet I remember going on was Atkins in the 7th grade to lose weight for one a sister’s wedding. In 10th grade a doctor gave me diet pills that made me super hyper and took away my appetite. I lost weight but I remember not taking the pill because my desires to binge eat was stronger. The pills gave me an edgy feeling similar to the anxiety/panic feeling that drives me to binge eat. So 'd lie and say I was taking the pills but I had stopped.

I wish I could describe what it feels like on the inside, this need to eat and feast to excess, to the point where you feel like your stomach will explode if you take another bite. It consumes you. A food or taste surfaces in my head and it won't go away until I've consumed it and often in mass quantities. If it was a sweet item I'd always make sure to buy a savory item to chase it with and vise-versa. A desire to numb away all of your feelings and bury all of the pain of life and that is why I have compared my food addiction to the drug addiction one of my sisters has because it is that powerful. It is that strong and life consuming. Food is my drug. Food numbs me. Food calms my nerves. Food soothes me. Food is cheap and easy to access. No one sends you to prison for eating too much. Unlike a drug addict, you can't quit food.

While I can’t accurately convey the feelings I get when I binge eat, I can finally understand the reasons behind. I’m learning to identify triggers and not just avoid them because they aren’t always avoidable but to change my response to those triggers. Each day that I survive without binge eating is another victory. Each day that I say no to food I become that much stronger. But its not just a matter of telling myself no it’s a matter of screaming it to myself, sometimes in my head, sometimes out loud. I’ve read countless books and one of the books that has helped me retrain my brain is by Judith Beck, The Complete Beck Diet for Life. As I slowly work my way through this book I learn more skills to help me battle this beast raging inside me. I’ve spent a lot of time learning all I can learn about binge eating and while I’m not sure if I’ll ever consider myself cured I do know that I’m on the road to recovery. I'll continue to fight this fight. I'll continue to wage this war that is going on inside of me. I've seen the alternative and it leads to an early grave. I'm not ready for that yet, I have too much living left to do.