Diet fear and self sabotage patterns

The one element of this journey that I haven’t been able to reach the root of is why I self sabotage my diet time and time again. So I’m turning to you for help.

Years ago I was following a program that my doctor outlined for me based on exchanges. I was working with a nutritionist and what she recommended X amount of protein, X amount of grains, X amount of veggies and fruits…you get the idea. I was doing really well on this program. So well in fact that I went in for my weigh in and I asked her if they had remodeled the office. She was curious to know why I thought they remodeled the office. I explained that on my first visit I didn’t fit into the chairs in the waiting room and now I fit with ease. She laughed and we talked more about my progress and where I was struggling. I explained that it was difficult for me to eat the dairy servings she recommended because I just don’t like milk and yogurt is something that I choked down but hated. She suggested that I continue to eat my dairy but once a week I could allow myself to have a small Frosty as long as I continued to lose weight, I could have the Frosty.

When Friday rolled around I headed to the Wendy’s drive thru to a Frosty. I sat in the drive thru line and at the window I said “one small Frosty please” When I got to the window there was a cute guy working and he said with a wink “we’re out of small cups so I gave you a medium” I remember smiling and saying thank you but thinking I’d only eat part of this medium Frosty but of course when I got home temptation and stupidity won out and the next thing I knew my spoon was scraping the bottom of the medium cup and I was cursing the guy at the drive thru. I felt sick and disgusted with myself but I didn’t binge.

The next morning I rushed to the doctor’s office and did an unofficial weigh in and much to my surprise I was down 3 pounds from earlier in the week. WOW that Frosty was magical wasn’t it!?

And this is where things start to go completely screwy in my brain. So the next night when I was out with friends and they were getting fast food, I got another Frosty, this time, a small. Weigh in day came on Monday and those 3 pounds that I had been down the other day were now 4 pounds. I really knew how to lose weight, I had just invented the Frosty Diet. So every night that week I ordered a Frosty and on the fifth night I had to go to the grocery store after work so instead of a Frosty I’d look for a small portion of low fat ice cream, Ben and Jerry’s Chocolate Frozen Yogurt with Brownies….it was so delicious that the next day I went back and bought three more of these delicious pints of yumminess and while I had intended to only eat one the next day, I ate all three.

Needless to say my nutritionist was in shock when I got on the scale and saw that I had gained EIGHT pounds in one week. She asked if anything had changed and I said “no, not a thing” and because she wanted to encourage me she suggested it could be hormones or my body adjusting, water weight, etc. I felt so bad for telling her a bold faced lie that I vowed to get back on track and lose those eight pounds. Over the next week I gave up my friends Ben and Jerry, their pint sized wonder wasn’t doing it for me anymore, I had moved on to the half gallon brownie ice cream. Not quite as tasty but volume mattered.

At the doctors I was up 2 more pounds, I don’t remember what she said to me because I had tuned out. I never went back. I continued to eat and eat. Occasionally I’d look at the diet she gave me and vow I’d go back on it on my own. I’d “try” for a few hours or a few days but as soon as someone one at the office suggested something “bad” for lunch I’d ditch the lunch I brought from home and dive face first into the high calorie sodium laden food.

And so this pattern has repeated every time I’ve tried to diet or lose weight over the years, time and time again. Sure the food of choice changes but the pattern remains the same.

• Go on diet/change eating/eat right/exercise
• Lose weight/start to feel better
• Think: I know how to do this
• Self Sabotage and tell myself its okay because “I know how to lose weight”

So here I am, lather rinse repeat. I know how to lose weight. I know that I must plan; I must take a certain set of actions yet something inside of me goes crazy and the more I fight it the more I want to binge eat. Every single day is a battle. Every single day I fight with myself. Every single day I force myself to do what I need to do. Most of the time I do what I need to do but not all of the time because something inside of me still triggers that self sabotage mode and I have to stop myself before it turns into a full blown binge.

Do you self sabotage? How do you overcome it if you do? How do you stay on plan? I’ve tried using fear as a motivator and I’ve found that I don’t scare that easily. I treat every day as a fresh start and a new beginning. I haven’t self sabotaged yet but I feel it building and I have to find a way to turn it off. I’m fighting as hard as I can but at the same time I’m so scared.