Binge eating is a seductive beast. It calls out to me with a soft whisper hinting at the promise of comfort and contentment. Surrounded by the safety of willpower it's beautiful song plays like sweet music in my mind, calling me ever closer, seducing and tempting me with the promise of that which I know so well.
Listen closely, its not a beautiful song, instead its a conglomeration of years of painful cries and past memories its filled with guilt and self loathing. Its a song so torturous those not accustomed to its melody would would at first crinkle their nose and feel discomfort, then they'd cover their ears and eventually collapse to the ground in an attempt to escape the horrible sound...but not me, my ears are immune, I only hear the beauty in the song and in one blinding moment I'm caught up in something that feels so intoxicating and so powerful that the pain that I KNOW will follow is completely forgotten and for one brief moment and I'm sucked into the vacuousness of the black hole all over again...
...somewhere on the other side it leaves me broken and shattered into a million little pieces and the rebuilding process starts. I carefully put everything back in its place and start all over again, telling myself that I won't fall prey to the beast again. Everything gets tucked into a neat and tiny little box that I swear I've opened for the very last time. Yet its so hard to believe in that promise because history has repeated itself so many times in the past. So many times.So many times.
I'm finding my way to a better place. In this better place food is a source of nutrition and not a drug. I don't obsess over every morsel of food and where the sweet songs are really just that, sweet songs. I don't diet, I live. What a beautiful place that must be.
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