Binge eating is a seductive beast. It calls out to me with a soft whisper hinting at the promise of comfort and contentment. Surrounded by the safety of willpower it's beautiful song plays like sweet music in my mind, calling me ever closer, seducing and tempting me with the promise of that which I know so well.
Listen closely, its not a beautiful song, instead its a conglomeration of years of painful cries and past memories its filled with guilt and self loathing. Its a song so torturous those not accustomed to its melody would would at first crinkle their nose and feel discomfort, then they'd cover their ears and eventually collapse to the ground in an attempt to escape the horrible sound...but not me, my ears are immune, I only hear the beauty in the song and in one blinding moment I'm caught up in something that feels so intoxicating and so powerful that the pain that I KNOW will follow is completely forgotten and for one brief moment and I'm sucked into the vacuousness of the black hole all over again...
...somewhere on the other side it leaves me broken and shattered into a million little pieces and the rebuilding process starts. I carefully put everything back in its place and start all over again, telling myself that I won't fall prey to the beast again. Everything gets tucked into a neat and tiny little box that I swear I've opened for the very last time. Yet its so hard to believe in that promise because history has repeated itself so many times in the past. So many times.So many times.
I'm finding my way to a better place. In this better place food is a source of nutrition and not a drug. I don't obsess over every morsel of food and where the sweet songs are really just that, sweet songs. I don't diet, I live. What a beautiful place that must be.
powerful.
ReplyDeleteand I know for so many this is a lifelong struggle:
In this better place food is a source of nutrition and not a drug.
and you post is a gift of normalizing.
making people feel less alone in the journey.
Great post. Binging is a big problem for me. Next time I get ready to "go to town" I'm going to sit back and read this again!
ReplyDeleteDiana this is a wonderful post! I know that song well. Thanks for this post!
ReplyDeleteI need to give you a...
ReplyDelete{{HUG}}
As someone who's felt that intoxication many many times I can totally relate. I'm getting to that place you speak. Food really can be so much more then a drug, a shoulder, and an escape. It can be something that is enjoyed. It can provide nourishment not anxiety.
It really can.
It takes practice, patients (with yourself) and time. And facing the feelings like you've done here is a HUGE step in the right direction.
Such true words. Finding the balance is a tough job that we must tailor to our own specific needs. Rejecting the deprivation of "dieting" and finding other sources of comfort outside of food are my biggest challenges. Continued good luck to you.
ReplyDeleteI totally know this song! I haven't had a binge for a while now but what people don't understand is that you know it's still there even if you haven't acted on it for a while there's still that fear that it will happen anytime. But oh how i hope it doesn't!!
ReplyDeleteAs Shakespeare put it:
ReplyDeleteEnjoy'd no sooner but despised straight;
Past reason hunted; and no sooner had,
Past reason hated, as a swallowed bait...
All this the world well knows; yet none knows well
To shun the heaven that leads men to this hell.
I know ostensibly this is a sonnet about lust, but it seems equally applicable to binge eating.
The fact that you're fighting this is already an indication that you will get to that place. I think sometimes we really need to start believing that we'll get there. We ARE learning. We're not doomed to make the same mistakes over and over again. Sure, it the process may take longer than we would like, but that's ok, we are moving FORWARD!
ReplyDeleteFantastic post. You are doing all of the right things, and an absolutely fantastic job. I am so happy to read this post, because as like others have mentioned, I know there is at least someone else out there that completely understands this struggle.
ReplyDeleteI've marked this post in my favorite links so that I can refer to it when I feel like I'm in need of a binge. Thank you!
It's amazing the freedom that comes when you can see food as fuel instead of a drug.......I'm getting there slowly :)
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to say thanks for your blog! Alot of your words stick with me and it helps me with my own weight loss struggles. My personal biggest issue is motivation - either that or procrastination! I'm excellent at that, that's for sure.
ReplyDeleteThanks again,
Kat
Thank you all for your kind words, its so nice to know that I'm not alone and that someone out there can understand even if they haven't been there personally.
ReplyDeleteI'm doing a little bit better every day and I feel like I'm finally doing this the right way.
Sending hugs your way! I've been really staying on track since I started the Flat Belly Diet and the most I've splurged is two thin mints. But I counted them as part of my 400 calories for one meal, so I didn't go over my calories for the day. Hang in there!
ReplyDeletePath to Health
Hugs and awed, yet again, at your skill in capturing it in such a way that brings it home.
ReplyDeleteWow, so powerfully described. I'm with you all the way, I know the binge siren's songs all too well. You're doing all the right things to get to that better place{{hugs}}
ReplyDeleteI've heard that song so many times and have given in to it over and over again. But there are so many more beautiful songs out there... we just have to start listening for them instead.
ReplyDeleteHang in there. You are NOT alone! Keep blogging... keep fighting... you WILL overcome this. We both will! :)
It's a faithless lover, isn't it? Promises you one thing, delivers another.
ReplyDeleteGood thing you see that and are taking the right steps to abandon binging for good.
I am going to post this on my fridge and my cabinets. Along with some locks lol
ReplyDeleteWow. It was like reading about me. I've been looking for awhile for blogs that mirror my relationship with food. Thanks for an incredible powerful post. I have saved this page to read whenever the seduction begins...
ReplyDeleteKaye
This brought tears to my eyes, I can relate so well.
ReplyDeleteI think understanding the cycle alone is an enormous step towards recovery. And what makes us stronger is each time we try again. Try to be better to ourselves, healthier and to be kinder.
That was so beautifully written and so painfully understood. Thank you.
ReplyDeletereally liked this post thanks!
ReplyDelete