Breaking up my dysfunctional relationship

In my journey I’ve learned to look at food differently. I’ve been on every sort of diet and nearly every “diet” restricts foods. You can’t have fruit, you can’t have carbs, you can’t have fats, you can’t have this, you can’t have that and chances are, your favorite foods are pretty high on the “can’t” list. So I changed my mindset and I told myself to get on board with the new catch phrases like “everything in moderation” but you know I can take a harmless phrase like that and twist it and turn it until it reads “eat whatever you want to eat, whenever you want to eat it and start over tomorrow” and well, we all know that wasn’t working for me.

Its bad enough this has to play out in my head but it spilled into my personal life too. Phone calls from my husband at the grocery store asking what kind of bread are I’m eating this week if I’m eating bread at all or if I’m allowed to eat fruit and then trying to rationalize why I’m not allowed to eat fruit when he asks what’s wrong with fruit?

After years of distorted dieting I’ve had to wipe the slate clean and start fresh. Yes certain foods are bad for your health, certain foods are loaded with sugars but the breaking point came after I ate two pieces of fresh baked bread. Who would have thought that fresh baked bread could cause so many emotions and so much guilt? I found myself rationalizing the bread and telling myself that I’d need to skip lunch to “make up for” that bread. And then I hear a voice in my head saying I should just never have fresh bread in the house because its too tempting and maybe I should just avoid all breads. Guilt over bread. And while that might not sounds so bad, replace the bread with fruit and that is exactly what I did to myself another day because I had too much fruit in a day and I should only have two to three servings per day and I’ve had four and and and...and enough already! Why do I have such a dysfunctional relationship with food? Why do I give it so much power?



I had coffee with Natalia the other day. We talked about the guilt that foods can make you feel, how the scale doesn’t need to have power in our lives and how learning to listen to our bodies natural hunger cues is so important. I know that when I fuel my body with certain foods it feels fabulous but sometimes I just want a cookie...just one cookie. But I deny the cookie for so long that I end up ordering 6 cookies (or more) and eating them all even though after one or two I don’t really want anymore. Some perverse thought in my head is screaming that I may never have cookies again so I had better eat them now and you know what? I told that voice to shut up.

Before we left the mall I told Nat that I wanted to have a cookie and she walked with me to get one. I was sort of overwhelmed by the selection and had to search for the price for just one single cookie. Marketers aren’t stupid, they set up the menu so it’s easy to find the combos and the higher priced items and not see what you’re really looking for, we as consumers always want the best value for our hard earned money. As the girl behind the counter just stood there looking at me waiting for my order the part of my brain that has been wired to be polite and not keep people waiting made me feel rushed. Had there been people behind me in line I probably would have felt even more pressure. I knew I only wanted ONE cookie so I just told the girl I wanted one of those and of course she questioned “just one? Thankfully she didn’t start listing their promotions, telling me about all of the value of buying cookies in bulk because it might have been a bit too overwhelming.

I took my single cookie, secretly wishing that I had bought the three cookie pack and I started to eat it as Nat and I browsed the kiosks. I focused on the taste in each bite. It was delicious and quite sweet; as I ate more it tasted even sweeter. As I put the last bite in my mouth I remembered thinking the sweet was overwhelming and I was so glad I didn’t get the combo value pack. One cookie was enough. I enjoyed that single cookie without guilt.

Driving home I could hear a hint of the old me in my head saying I’d need to skip lunch because of the cookie but instead I turned up the radio and sang along and quickly squashed that voice. I had a healthy breakfast that morning, the cookie replaced my mid morning snack, I could still go home and have a healthy lunch. It was JUST ONE COOKIE and it wasn’t a magic cookie, it didn’t have super powers. It didn’t control my mood for the rest of the day. I didn’t feel guilt over eating a cookie. Now shut up and sing along, this is a really good song!

We all need to find our balance. I know that my relationship with food is distorted and I’m taking the steps to make that change. Food gives my body energy but I don’t have to give it any power over my life. Hey voice in my head that encourages me to binge eat: our relationship is dysfunctional and we're breaking up. I'm so over you! 








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Because its Friday and I haven’t weighed in for a few weeks:

Weight loss since last weigh in: 6.7 pounds
Total for 2009: 20.8 pounds