Another binge, another failed diet, sliding down another rung on the ladder. The wave of panic that runs through your stomach followed by self loathing and the never ending guilt.
No I haven’t binged or failed on my diet again but in the past I've let little things throw me off track. I recently saw a photo of a friend who I haven’t seen in quite a while and she looks phenomenal. Some of you might recall me telling you about Mrs South who I encouraged to start her own weight loss journey and I posted how she had lost so much weight. They have since moved away but she emailed some family photos recently and she looks phenomenal. She reached her goal and hit the 100 pound weight loss mark. I’m so happy for her. She has expressed her gratitude so many times to me for giving her that push in the right direction when she felt bad about not being able to keep up with me who was so much bigger while walking around the block.
I’m genuinely happy for my friend but it set off a spark of realization in my brain. Sometimes I punish myself by saying: If I had stuck to my plan back then I’d be so much closer to my own goal by now. In the past it has gone beyond negative self talk to self punishment. When I take a negative situation and binge, I'm punishing myself. If I allow this mental beating to go on, I'm punishing myself. Instead of doing that this time I told myself there is nothing wrong with the progress that I’m making. I haven’t weighed in for a few weeks but I’m going to weigh in this Friday and share my results. My clothes feel good, my retail therapy on Thursday was successful and I fit into a size smaller than last year comfortably.
While this might seem insignificant to some people, recognizing that pattern in myself is an important part of change. By stopping to realize what I was doing I’m telling myself, yes, I could be further along but I’m not. Let it go and move forward from here. In the past self punishment might have led to a binge but taking control of the situation as soon as I recognized the pattern let me avoid going down that path again.
Moving on isn’t easy but the changes I’m making in my life are worth it because I’m worth it. I’ve been punishing myself for my weight and for past mistakes for years. Guilt over past failures can linger and hide in the cracks for years and start the self punishment cycle in motion. It can suck the happiness out of your life if you let it. Don’t let it. Recognize it, take corrective action, let it go and move on.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Self punishment over past failures
Labels:
binge eating,
negative emotion,
self esteem,
sick,
Struggles,
weight loss blog
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Great post! I know for me too I have to look at how far I have come too instead of how far I have yet to go. I always remind myself too that this is for life and changing takes time. Hope you have a good day.
ReplyDeleteI can completely see myself in this post! It has taken me years and years (if not decades) to forgive myself for the times I have "cheated" or slipped up, or had a meal that turned into a free for all. For this first time in my life, I've begun to learn to move on from slip ups and know that the next meal or next day are completely new and like a fresh start. I am sure that I havent entirely learned this lesson, but I actually feel like I'm begining to asorb what it really means.
ReplyDeleteYou are worth it to know that each day is a new day and a fresh start, and that it might take you 2, 3 , 4, 5 times as long as you intially hoped it would to lose weight, but you will eventually do it :)
I can completely relate to all of this. Thanks for articulating it so well.
ReplyDeletecan so relate to this post.
ReplyDeleteFantastic post! I too am forgiving my self for past mistakes and moving on. Will limit the shoulda, coulda, woulda & going forward. Just enrolled at the gym, a move I put off on purpose, but now I know I need. Wishing you well! P.S. Back and ready to get back on track! Missed ya!
ReplyDeleteI too can relate. All of the times that I've said...if only I had kept with it. It's taken a while, but I am slowly finding peace in just being o.k. with the now. I still have goals, the urgency to get there just isn't controlling me anymore. You can do this!
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you mean and feel like I am in that spot too...if only I would have done this then...or stuck with it or whatever. Oh well, I am ready now and I am planning on sticking with it now and that will have to do.
ReplyDeleteGood luck and congrats on the size smaller :)
Good job! Not punishing yourself is so hard at times. I can relate. After many years of "beating myself up," I have finally realized that I would never be as hard on others as I am on myself at times. I now remind myself on a daily basis to be at least as kind to myself as I am to others. It doesn't always work, but it's a work in progress... And that's okay. :)
ReplyDeleteGreat post. Very insightful
ReplyDeleteLyn, I hear you. I think I'm punishing someone else and letting them have it when I gain .2 lbs. I do it with my work too. I think that getting in 15 minutes late is getting in some kind of rebellion. That, "Hey, I'll show them." But I'm not showing anyone when the weight inches back on or I need to stay 30 more minutes to finish something up.
ReplyDeleteIt's like my way of having control, but I'm doing it uncontrollably. I don't quite know how to explain it, but it's very backwards and illogical.
I think its definitely important to recognize the pattern. I used to have a similar pattern myself. I would get so caught up in the "should haves" that I never moved forward. its really hard to not get caught up in the past or the things that you wish you would have done differently, but by focusing on the future and the right here and right now, you can forget about all the things that hold you back and just look forward.
ReplyDeleteGood advice. You know, I think we need to be READY for things before we can accomplish them. It took me about 4 tries- and quite a few years- to start losing weight and to get healthier. And then it all the sudden clicked and I was at the right place in life for it to work. Life is funny like that.
ReplyDeleteYou are wonderful! So glad you are making such great progress.
ReplyDeletePath to Health