Saturday, June 6, 2009

fear and sucks

I've been on the roller coaster for two years now, lose a few, gain a few, lose a few gain a few, I've basically been losing and gaining the same 30 pounds over and over again for the past three years which really sucks.


I guess I could beat myself up over that but seriously, I've done enough of that in the past. I will take away from the past three years instead and say, at least I've kept within those same 30 pounds. Had I not been trying where would my weight be today? 400? 450? 500? More? I've seen people who started blogging when I did lose a lot of weight, some have kept it off, others have disappeared from blog land and some like me have been on the roller coaster ride.

I've called rock bottom before. I've said this is it I've had enough and all of those other clever catch phrase people use when they are really determined. I can't even bring myself to say those this time around but I wanted to share a few things I've learned about myself along the way.

Everything in moderation: In theory this is a great concept but in the hands of a binge eater its a license to eat. When I tell myself "everything" in moderation then suddenly that piece of cake becomes okay to eat every single night of the week and quite frankly my body just doesn't work like that. Everything in moderation isn't for me because I'm way too easy on myself, I'm far too generous with myself and that needs to stop. I need rules and guidelines. I have to tell myself NO and mean it because if moderation is on my table then control goes out the window. For those of you who can do moderation, I applaud you and think its a great thing but I need boot camp 24/7 with no weekend passes.

That sounds harsh doesn't it? Its good to cheat once in a while isn't it? You should plan a cheat shouldn't you? For me the answer is YES and NO at the same time. Confused? So is my body. When I eat sugar, my body will convince me to jump off a bridge if it thought sugar would be waiting at the bottom. Its THAT powerful. My body hurts and aches and I feel like giant pile of donkey dung and its not fun. I love the sugar high but the crash and burn is ugly. Very ugly. So sugar can't really play too much in my body. But if I take it off the menu and say it isn't allowed then I want it all the more so I basically have to play these mind games with myself so if you see me don't mention to me that sugar isn't my friend anymore because the other me is holding out hopes that me and sugar can be bff's again and I just don't have the heart to tell me that it isn't going to happen. Did you follow that? Good, you're just as crazy as I am :-)

Which brings me to artificial sweeteners. As most of you know, I posted that I quit using them a few weeks ago. I transitioned by using raw sugar and it worked quite well. I haven't had artificial sweetener in weeks and I have no intention of starting again. I'm also slowly converting everything in my kitchen over to organic when possible. I'm using up the foods in my freezer and pantry and as I run out I'm replacing them with organic foods. I can hear the cries of BUT ORGANIC FOOD IS SO EXPENSIVE but I haven't had to adjust my food budget at all because the money I was spending on so called healthy snacks and foods with artificial sweeteners has gone towards my organic food budget and its all balanced out. No I'm not fanatical about it. If I can't find something in organic I make the best choice possible for my body.

So with all of these changes I should be super skinny by now right? Honestly I haven't been on the scale in a few weeks. I'm not really sure what it will say. I'm planning to weigh in on Sunday but I'm not sure if I'll share those results or not. I may go back to posting my weight on Fridays. Maybe we'll vote on it. I've seen several summer weight loss challenges but I've decided against joining one because I'm a competitive person when I want to be and as a person who is recovering from an eating disorder I don't want to put that kind of pressure on myself.

I know I'm pretty much babbling. I guess I could tell you this was all brought on by a health scare a while ago but then you'd want to know the details and I'm not quite ready to go public with that. I think I was in denial for a while but after a recent kick in the ass I'm back on track again...I said I wasn't going to use one of those catch phrases didn't I? 
Anyhow fear is a very powerful motivator and it sucks to be morbidly obese. Thats where I am right now but its not where I want to be in the future. 
a journey of a thousand miles
begins with one step
Posted by Scale Junkie
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19 comments:

  1. You know what you want and what you need and that is good. Good for you on switching out the artificial sweeteners and replacing your food stocks with organics, that is a step in a healthy direction! :)
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  2. You know that you need to focus, you have the discipline when you want to you it, you have the tools to use, and you have the drive right at this moment. USE IT!!
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  3. I totally know where you're coming from... because I've been on that roller coaster with you for the past 2 years! So never, ever feel like you are alone!

    You're taking steps in the right direction... and every step you take will get you closer to your destination. Hang in there... you can do this... and we'll do it together! :)
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  4. I'm all for playing mind games if that's what it takes. Each time you fall off the wagon (sorry, a cliche crept in there) you have the chance to analyze what went wrong and how you can fix it.

    My problem is that when things are going well, I tend to ease up on Being Good. If I had health scares all the time, I'd be perfect at sticking to the strictly healthy stuff.

    Hey, there's an idea for a new weight loss plan: the Scare Me Healthy diet.
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  5. I can SO relate to everything you wrote. I can't do moderation either. Especially with sugar/processed carbs or drive-thru's - it just doesn't work for me. I attribute it to the fact that I have abused food for too long. Kudo's to those who can make moderation work in their lives - but I've tried it too many times and failed. Let THEM eat cake....I'll stick to veggies and protein so that I don't have to weigh over 300 pounds again.

    A health scare helped me hear the 'click' and luckily, it's stayed in my head for nearly 2 years now but I always feel one bite away from a backslide - especially when my fat removal has been so negligible for the last 5-6 months. I think it's the health scare that keeps me on task - even though I'm not seeing great results.

    Keep up the good work.
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  6. Really great work on the sweetners.

    I completely get what you say about the summer challenges and how it might encourage you to behave in ways that are not best for you. I'm struggling with the temptation myself.
    We'll get there.
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  7. I've been with you all along, in thoughts and in practice. For the past two years or so, up down, facing our demons and addictions on this road to better health. I totally relate to everything you say. Moderation is no good for me. But then again strict rules leave me frustrated at times too.
    Organic foods is definitely a step in the right direction.
    *hugs*
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  8. I wish I had some great advice or could whisper some "secret of success" to you but I don't cuz as you know I never found it. I so understand what you are saying. Dale and I always used to say that it would take a heart attack before either of us straightened up our act. WE never made it that far thanks to WLS but seriously it probably would have taken that.
    You know I am always a penguins waddle away if you need to chat! Hang in there. Keep facing forward. KEEP going to the doctor and checking on your health. Most of all just never give up no matter what. Every try is still a chance ok!

    35 degrees here this morning! Penguins are thrilled. Me.. not so much *sigh*

    Chin up chickie!
    Wuvs ya!
    *huggles*
    =0)
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  9. I'm another person who just can't do moderation whatsoever. Yesterday I had cake at a baby shower and then suddenly I was eating pizza for dinner because one thing led to another on the road to self destruction.

    Anyway, I get it. I really do. :)
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  10. I so know the feeling of avoiding that scale. Here's a little tip that worked for me - I stopped eating chips (sweets are not my thing) about 4.5 months ago. I had awful withdrawal and the cravings were horrible. To get through them I would eat protein - usually turkey - 2-4 oz. when the cravings hit. It was not a fun week and a half or so, but the protein got me through and ultimately the cravings did stop. Good luck, all we can do is keep trying!
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  11. hi; just found your blog; your story could be my story; I lose 35-40 pounds, keep it off for a bit, gain it back, lose it again, cycle after cycle after cycle. I'm on the need to lose 35-40 pounds cycle and trying to find motivation to do it. I know the right tricks, the right balance of food, etc, moderation never works for me although I wish it would.

    I wish you luck this time around; sounds like you got some good things in place to try to eat healthy; I commend you for that!!

    looking forward to reading your progress

    betty
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  12. I think you're in a fabulous place right now... Those are valuable lessons!

    I've been on the roller coaster for 2 years too, and I don't regret the process, since every stumble has taught me something valuable. When I failed, I failed forward. Instead of losing hope, I've gained confidence and the conviction that I will get this right. These days, when I stumble, I get back on my feet and continue much more quickly than before. I am making progress... and so are you!
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  13. I'm so glad you're getting away from artificial sweeteners! That's fantastic.

    Have you read The End of Overeating? It explains exactly why/how it is that we just can't stop eating when we have "just a taste" of a treat. I'll be posting a review of it on my site this week if you're interested.

    - Sagan
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  14. I'm so glad you have cut out artificial sweeteners! I really think those are guilty of causing the cravings and binge problems some people have. You are so wise to know YOUR body and that "everything in moderation" doesn't work for you.

    I love how much you share and your willingness to be open helps so many people know they aren't alone.
    Path to Health
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  15. baby i know exactly how you feel... wishing you a good start!
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  16. It sounds like you have some really good things in place with the sweeteners, since you found them to be a trigger, and the organic - yes, more costly but, like you said - cut the other stuff & there is the money for (at least) some of it.
    Letting go of the past while learning from it is tough, but it sounds like you are working it.
    Hang in there sweetie!
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  17. Hello from an old blogger pal...Thank you for not taking me off the list even though I was a very very very (and on) bad HYC participant. My head wasn't there and my follow thru and stick withitness sucks. But I am here today..and loving the journey of...blah blah..begins with a single step. Taking the step. I want to learn about what you are doing with the artificial sweeteners and what else you have been up to in the past 6 mos..(yea..very bad blogger.) Thank you for keeping the HYC going..I am so glad it is here and I know I am not alone in that sentiment. I will get caught up eventually. I hope you, your hubby and the puppies are well.
    xo
    and YES!!! Hooray that it was only 30lbs that was on and off!!!!!!
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  18. I'm on that roller coaster right now. After the divorce, I felt giddy and begin to snack or do a little/lot nervous eating.

    Needless to say, I have avoided the scale since March.

    I hope your health scare isn't still ongoing and when you are ready to share, I know we all love and support you.
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  19. I am having a similar realization in that I need to be constant. Consistent. And it is hard - and I think it shouldn't be that hard, but I'm an emotional eater, so it is hard for me. The roller coaster is no fun! I love your determination and self-reflection, it is always so helpful! I buy organic produce and some dairy products, but our budget can't yet afford all organic all the time. I envy you! I hope that your health scare is the last one you'll see. (I had my gall bladder out in 2007, much to my chagrin!)
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