Looking back over the past few years and my quest to find the root of my eating disorder I noticed a trend: I avoided the darkness. But darkness is inevitable. Just as the earth rotates away from the sun and brings darkness we know that without fail it will rotate around and bring the light. That makes the light inevitable too.
The darkness is something that many people are afraid of. Did you ever notice that very few horror movies take place in the daylight? The victims/survivors always have to make it until the sun comes up, somehow that light brings a sense of security and safety and you know everything will be just fine. But its not just the darkness we can see, there is a darkness that we can't see, a darkness we create within ourselves. I find this darkness to be far more terrifying because unlike the physical darkness, this darkness stays with us. The light doesn't just come, you have to learn to flip the switch and turn the light on.
When I'd encounter something unpleasant in my life my first instinct was to hide it, cover it up, bury it and deny its existence. I felt like no matter what it was, even if it was something out of my control, out of my hands I had to hide it or it would reflect badly on me. I learned that the darkness is where secrets are kept. If I could keep the darkness contained, somehow I'd protect myself from the pain.
As most of you know, I became an expert at burying the pain with food. I pushed everything into the darkness and never let the light shine in those corners of my soul. Little by little and bit by bit I've been exploring those dark areas and I've come to realize this has been one of the best things I've ever done in my life. Yes there is pain that I'd never wish on my worst enemy but there is also triumph because I've learned that the darkness doesn't have the power and control unless I give it the power and control.
I've realized that its okay to have darkness in my life but its better to have more light. The light brings the fun times and happy memories. Crisis, chaos, loss and torment bring the darkness but I know from experience that the world will keep spinning and the light will come and the darkness will fade away. Same holds true in my life and I'm opening the windows, turning on the lights and letting it shine. I've kissed the darkness and embraced it, I've realized that while it has its place in my world it doesn't have real power only imagined power and you know what? It just doesn't feel that scary anymore
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