little bits of joy

I'm happy to say that my body seems to be responding and healing. Gluten seems to be a big irritant for me and just limiting it has helped tremendously. I'm not back to 100% but I"m getting there. Slowly but surely. Overall I haven't felt like my normal cheerful self. I've felt down and dark. Being sick will do that to you. Gaining weight will do that to you. I'm the first person to tell others to get out there and live their lives but here I am wanting to hibernate for the winter.

I recently had a few pretty major disappointments. I had been planning a trip for the weekend of my birthday for MONTHS. Then Ken lost his job so I scaled back our trip plans but the plans were still there. Then the itching started. He started a new job the week of my birthday. Now don't get me wrong, I'm elated that he found a job and not just any old job, but a really good job that will hopefully be long term. In a few months we'll have medical insurance again and that worry will be lifted. We'll have income again and be able to replenish our savings. I'm trying not to itch and I'm seriously stressing about itching, about finances, about jobs, about medical insurance and so many other little things we take for granted. Another disappointment was not being able to take a class I really wanted to take that starts this week.

Its offered again in January and I tried to give myself reasons why waiting really is for the best. November and December are holiday season and I'd rather focus on those than my class. Being around others right now will increase my chances of getting the flu and I want to be healthy for the holiday season. Oh wait there is more, Ken added one..."it will give you two months to lose more weight"

Yeah that last one hurt a little bit, not because those were his words but because its what I've taught him over the years of our marriage. Everything for me has always been about waiting until I lose more weight. So I can fit in seats, so I can be stronger or whatever. So when he said that, I knew he was just saying what he thought I wanted to hear, what I was already thinking but honestly, that thought hadn't crossed my mind for once...until he brought it up. But he's right. Thats just me being me. I already warned him that I wouldn't be accepting any holiday invitations for parties unless it was from close friends. I already told him that if anyone at his work was having a party he was welcomed to go without out me because right now I just can't bear the thought of meeting anyone new so why wouldn't he say something like that about my class where I'd be meeting new people?. So like a glass dropping from my hand and shattering across the floor into a million little pieces I watched the last bit of joy slip from my grasp with the reality of what I've done to myself.


He said I should write more, I should blog more because he noticed I hadn't been blogging much. I told him that I had nothing to say that anyone would want to read and he told me. Don't write for others, write for yourself. Once again...he's right. So today as he hums Christmas music in the background, I write for myself. I just let it flow and I write. And do you know what else? I'm not even going to proofread it. (gasp...horror) If there are typos...oh well. If there are grammatical errors...too bad. Today is not my day for perfection. Today is my day to really LET GO of the past and really let go of everything else that holds me back.

Honestly September and October are total blurs in my mind. I'm pretty sure that November and December will be more of the same. I'm in a dark hole right now, a self imposed cave where it feels safe. I don't want to face the outside world right now. I feel disfigured from this rash, my leg is beyond ugly to look at, redness remains around my neck. I'm still 20 pounds heavier than I was before the steroids..ok, maybe 15 pounds heavier but still.

Through it all, through the self imposed darkness, little sparks keep lighting up my life. An email from a friend. A happy tail wag and slobbery kiss from the dogs. I warm embrace from my husband. I hold tight to the little things because all of those little bits of joy add up and push away the darkness. They keep me going right now when I don't want to get out of bed. They keep me fighting for another day. Through it all, just a few tiny sparks of joy are all I need to know that there is a better way and I'm headed to a better place if only I take that first step. I'm strong. I know I'll survive. I know I'll come out of this dark place stronger and bettter than ever. But thats just me, I'm a survivor.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.