but all for the memory

I'm the baby of the family. The youngest of too many to count. Really its not too many to count but its just that I prefer not to count some of them as siblings if that makes sense. I have a rule in my life, if something or someone is toxic, if they or it makes you sick, you should do everything you can to put some distance between yourself and the source of the toxins. But some of them cling to you, some of them absorb into every fiber of your being and they are harder to get rid of. The problem with that is, no matter how much space I seem to put between us there is something toxic that always lingers too close that that I can't get rid of and thats me. Kind of like a fungus or mold.



I've known for a while that I'm my own worst enemy. I"m a far harsher critic on myself than I'd ever be on someone else. But yet I can't seem to let go of the toxic within myself. How do you kill a part of yourself and walk away intact? How to you cut loose the dead weight when its attached to you? If I know its so bad for me then why can't I just let go?

When I was a little girl my older siblings would do things for me and when I tried to do them for myself they'd tell me that I was too little, that I didn't know how or that I was too stupid or not good enough. Thankfully they weren't all sending that message but I heard it enough that I ingrained it in my habits and patterns. I've learned to let go of those people, now I just have to learn to let go of their messages. Just when I think I've got it all figured out, something happens and I run back to the comfort of my drug of choice. When they'd hurt me with their words and I'd cry to Mom or Dad, they'd often soothe me with food. When we celebrated something happy, we did it with food. When someone died or got married, it was all about the food.

With the holiday season approaching I find myself having these wild and random cravings and I can't quite put my finger on it. The other night when I got up to slather anti-itch cream on myself at 3am it finally hit me what I had been craving...the family party buffet. Every family would bring a dish. I'd fill my plate with a few spoons full of each dish and it was that melody of flavor that reminded me of those parties that I craved. But I hated those parties. I hated those people. I never felt like I fit in, I never felt like I belonged. The older kids would exclude me, the younger kids would pick on me and if I tried to stand up for myself, the older kids would join in and pick on me for picking on the little ones.

There was some comfort and it was found in the buffet line. I'd compliment the adults on their culinary skills and ask them to give my Mom the recipe. While I distracted them with grown up conversation, I learned to quietly reach for the dessert table and confiscate the cookies and candy. All the while they'd comment on how mature I was. They didn't realize I was devious when it came to sneaking food.


In all of this madness, in dodging the abuse, I learned to absorb whatever life threw at me. I was a sponge for all of their negativity. Slowly but surely, I'm learning to wring out the sponge and wash away the hurt and abuse. I'm learning to detach myself from that person because I'm not her anymore. I don't want to be her anymore. I have to let her go. I said goodbye to the family, well most of the family, and put distance between most of us. But like a porous sponge with so many nooks and crannies I've absorbed a lot of crap over the years. Its going to take more than one rinse to wash it clean.