Wednesday, December 9, 2009

How did I get (back) here? Step 1: The honest confession and baby stepping my way back from the edge

Between the hives/rash itching that has lasted FIVE months (and are still going on), the ongoing stress, job losses, other health issues...its been one hell of a year. I've thrown more than my share of parties this year too, unfortunately they've been pity parties, table for one, but the food while amazing left me vacant and hollow. When I look back at where I was a year ago or even 18 months ago, my fitness level was so much higher. I was walking 2 to 3 miles per day, I was doing circuit training 6 days per week, my weight was about 20 pounds lighter but my over all fitness level was astonishing. I could walk circles around my thinner friends...and now thats gone.

I know that a lot of this is because of health issues. The medications I've taken over the past year have not been kind to my body. My blogging has been sporadic because quite frankly I just haven't had much of anything positive to say. HUGE thank yous to those of you who reached out to me during some of my blackouts I just can't say enough how much your kind words have kept me going this year.

I guess if I were looking for rock bottom, this would be it. The short one mile walk that was so easy isn't as easy as it once was. I would park at the back of the parking lot and walk to the store, now I find myself driving from one side of the shopping center to the other. I find myself making excuse after excuse why I can't go places or do things that require walking. I feel like I'm back where I was when I first started this blog.

I wonder if the five months of itching and hives are because of my diet, perhaps my body is rebelling against me? Perhaps its trying to force me to take action in the form of a permanent lifestyle change. Perhaps its saying its broken and its had enough. I can only say that if you have your health, cherish it. If you can power through your work out, embrace it. I long for that feeling again.

Oh sure I've had moments where I've been ready to fight again. I've had moments where I've felt strong and I felt like I was on track and making progress. Lately those moments have been few and far between. Lately I feel like I'm just too far gone and I feel like I need an intervention of epic proportion. I always said I'd never go on the show Biggest Loser, after watching the finale last night I realized I would go on the show. Of course I'm sure they have the January cast already and my body is to the point where I can't wait around for the next show. I have to take action now.

As I type those words, words I've expressed in so many ways, so many times before, tears start to form and I instinctively make reservations for that pity party, table for one but somewhere, deep down, on some level, I have to believe I'm capable of changing. Those tears can not flow today. I have to believe that I can fight and win this war I'm waging within myself. No one else can do this for me. No amount of support or encouragement from others can make ME take the right actions, only I have the power to take those actions. This is completely in my hands. Its up to me. So now I have to ask myself the hard questions...do I believe in myself? Am I worth it? Can I fight for just one minute and turn that minute into another and those minutes into hours and those hours into days? This body is running on empty, running out of time. Well whats it going to be? Can I save myself?
Posted by Scale Junkie
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26 comments:

  1. Wow. Your words and thoughts hit me like a ton of bricks this morning. I am in the same place, with standing reservations to the pity party. I feel your frustration and anger, because I have it too. My mom told me the other day that I was committing suicide slowly by not getting the weight off. Even knowing that, I can't get myself to exercise and move. I rarely get out of the house anymore, even to walk in the yard, and that's not good either. I feel your pain, and I will pray that we can both save ourselves before it's too late.

    Take care of you. You're helping a lot of people out here. :)
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  2. Don't give up. You can get back on track and get back to where you were in no time. You have done it before. You can do it again.

    I haven't been to the gym regularly in a few months and I am finding it so hard to get back but I'm not giving up because I remember how good it felt when I was strong from working out several days a week. Just try to remember that great feeling. It will make you want it back again even more.

    It is really hard to get back into anything once you have stopped but if you put your mind to it you can do it. The hardest part is the first week. Just get through the first week and you will be fine.

    It's tough but I know you can do it!
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  3. I'm sorry things are so tough at the minute. I'm sure you will find a path to getting on the right track soon enough as you've been through so much to get where you are today.
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  4. There is a reason that Mother Teresa said that she would never attend an anti war demonstration but that if she was invited to a peace rally she'd be there.

    Don't fight yourself. Love yourself. Only through loving yourself can you find that strength and determination you seek.

    You CAN do this. :)
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  5. Right now your body is feeling so rotten that it's influencing your mood. I can only imagine what it must be like to have been fighting hives and itchy issues for so many months -- of course you're going to feel down. As your body starts to heal -- and it will get better -- then your fight to stay fit will become easier.
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  6. I'm hosting a biggest loser type competition on my website. Anyone is welcome to join. It runs for 15 weeks with the goal of losing 15 pounds in that time. The website however does a percentage lost leaderboard to try and get people motivated. If you're insterested registration runs through this Saturday. Check my blog for more details. :) http://health.lostincolor.com
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  7. Let the tears flow, if you need it. Let them flow until there are no more. Then you'll be left with just your thoughts and those thoughts are filled with the KNOWLEDGE that you can do what it takes to get back to the level of fitness you celebrated (and we celebrated with you) last year. It's a fresh start, the past is past, and if you can't believe in yourself, we'll believe in you enough to get you through.
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  8. You CAN do it and you ARE worth it! Do not let yourself forget that.
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  9. Most of us slide from time to time. I practically took the summer off and am now trying to rebuild my fitness level and trying to lose 20 pounds that I had already lost once before. It happens. But that was yesterday. Today is new and so is tomorrow. Don't worry about the past. Move forward. Just do it! You don't have to feel like eating healthy or exercising....you just have to do it. Work out the emotions later. :) That's my way of viewing it anyway.

    I'm back on the wagon. Wanna join me? You can do it!!! Just do it. It's ok.
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  10. Hi Scale Junkie, My name is Amber and I am a lurker. I love reading your blog because a lot of your epiphany's become mine too. I agree with the commenter that said that your body is effecting your mind. How can you be happy and healthy when you are miserable. But you should know that you are really helping people and that we (even those who you had no idea were here)care about you. I sincerely hope that you feel better soon. And that you have a good day today.
    Amber
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  11. Diana, you are worth it, and you have the strength to do this. I believe in you, and so do so many others. Make today a fresh start. Don't dwell on the past year, make today the start of a new year. I know you feel low and how hard it is to start again I still struggle and always will but I refuse to give up on me or you!! Make a plan and baby steps....you'll get there! ((Hugs))
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  12. You CAN save yourself, Diana. I KNOW that you can. We both can! You WILL regain your previous level of fitness... and far supersede it!

    Just keep the faith. NEVER give up. Keep fighting... and you WILL begin to see yourself winning battles. And eventually you WILL win this war!

    And in regard to the itching... is it possible that you've developed a food allergy?
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  13. Sending you positive energy. I have allergies too and when they flare up I get hives. I can't imagine having them for five months straight! Maybe there are some food allergies going on? I am not sure if you have looked into this, but it might be worth it to see if a few diet adjustments could help. My allergies are mostly cat related and I am one of those crazy people that has cats and is allergic to them. Thankfully, it only get really bad flare ups occasionally. It is hard to exercise when you dont have the energy, but exercise helps us have energy. Maybe you can start taking little walks again and work your way back up to where you want to be.
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  14. Read your post for the first time. I have worked in an Allergy office for over 3 years. Have you seen an allergist?
    I doubt that it is a food allergy. Not as an ongoing issue for 5 months. It sounds more (with the limited info on your post) like a condition called Idiopathic hives. Idiopathic meaning cause unknown. In most people this will run its course in about 6 months. So, take heart, it's about over. I assume you have taken prednisone for the itching? Prednisone on a long term basis is nasty. Weight gain, bloating, hunger.
    You should be taking antihistamine daily. Zyrtec is OTC at any drug store. You can take 2-3 tabs as needed to control the itching. Main side effect in 10% of population is sleepiness so made sure it doesn't effect you that way before increasing your dose.
    Remember, hives are not a "sign" that you are out of control or bad. Just a nasty bothersome condition. Be kind to yourself.
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  15. You are such a beautiful person. Things will get better for you. I am sure of it. {{{{hugs}}}
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  16. Your post could have been from me. My wake up call was from my son, 10, and I am doing it for us both. Again. Baby steps... we can both do it!!!
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  17. Very honest post. We all have been through this. For me, it's really about our attitude, our thoughts, and what we say to ourselves. We try to live up to a standard of the scale. It's becoming comfortable and loving with ourselves. I too have had physical issues it is just a slower process. Use our blogs to support you, like you have done for all of us! Nurture, support, share....
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  18. Just by returning to your blog is proof that you've still got the desire - as hidden as it probably feels right now. It's so hard to have to deal with a health issue but you have to believe that it won't be this bad forever. Maybe an allergist can help figure out if you have food allergies that are making you itch. I hope you figure it out soon. Hang in there!
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  19. We all fall into a funk sometimes. The fact that it you are worry means that you just need a little more time to find that drive to exercise and eat healthy again. I am going through the same thing myself. I am on month three of just "taking it easy" because of this hip bursitis that would not go away. Hopefully we can find our inner healthy mojo before the new year.
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  20. oh sweetie. :(

    First off, I'm not a doctor (though I've worked for many in the 70's)...but from personal experience, I can attest that stress can cause hives and other rashes.

    You know, just like an alcoholic, oftentimes an addict, of any kind, can't really begin to climb out of their personal abyss until they reach their own rock bottom or pretty darned close to it. Look at it this way; we are three weeks away from a brand new year. A brand new years with so many opportunities to not only start out fresh, but to completely re-create yourself! If an old 58 year old broad like me can do it, so can you. Now, don't spend the next 3 weeks getting even worse....please spend what spare (non-holiday activity) time you have in the next 3 weeks going within, and starting to do the inner work that is necessary/imperative to begin to start to dig your way out. I highly recommend Laurel Melin's books; they are excellent and easy/easy to read about the emotional side to obesity and how, systematically, to work on that to get your mental and emotional house in order so that you can lose the weight and get healthy. Her book "The Solution" changed my life.

    You can do this. Don't look at the size of the hill or mountain in front of you, look to just follow the light around the first corner.

    I have faith in you. I really do. :)
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  21. the same ....

    Now! Must taken action now!
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  22. You CAN do it. You're not alone, that's for sure. It truly is minute by minute sometimes. It just takes getting through sixty seconds of doing what you really want for yourself, and then doing it again and again and again. Every second, you do have a choice. Make the choice for YOU. You are more than than your weight or what you eat. YOU are in there. Change is hard and painful and scary, but you can do it. Big ((HUGS))
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  23. Diana, just a couple comments/suggestions, which you can take or leave.

    You mentioned that you haven't been blogging much because you haven't had much positive to say. Please remember that at it's core, this blog is for YOU. If you don't want to share the negative, that's one thing. But please don't feel that you have an obligation to always be positive or to have a motivational message! It's perfectly fine to say you're having a bad day/week/month. We all do. You give your readers so much! Make sure you're getting what you need out of your blog as well.

    Second, while it's true that only you can effect change in yourself (or me in myself), I don't think it's true that you have to do it alone. Have you considered something like cognitive-behavioral therapy for helping with the emotional side of things? It may not be financially viable at this point, and I realize that it's not for everyone, but if you're working to change how your brain thinks about things (and it seems like you are from your posts), something like this might be worth considering. I realize that everyone is different. All I can say is that cognitive-behavioral therapy (with the right therapists) has been an enormous help to me.

    Sorry, I knew this comment would come across as preachy! I know I'm just a random reader, but I'd so like to help in some small way (hence the handing out advice). Please know that we're all sending positive vibes in your direction. And as you said, baby steps.
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  24. I could have written this post! Lately I've been thinking that while I'm not exactly suicidal, I just have no interest in even living anymore. I am just tired of it all. I want to give up. Not on eating healthy, because I do that most of the time, but on me. I think I'm going to need some therapy in the New Year!

    Is there room for me in your pity party?
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  25. you're not the only one facing these same questions this morning, you can do it
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  26. You can do it! You are amazing, and have done so much for so many within the weight loss blogging community,

    But you're right - YOU have to believe in your just as much (if not more) than we believe in you. I know you'll find that confidence again.

    I'll be thinking of you and hoping you get back to a good place soon.
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