Friday and random fever induced babble

So welcome to my Friday post. Honestly I don't even think I have any babble in me today because I'm feeling pretty miserable. It started a few days ago and its much much worse today. Its a tooth problem that is so bad its making my ear hurt....yes I'm headed to the dentist this morning.

Why did it get so bad? Because I'm a complete chicken when it comes to going to the dentist. When you know you need a lot of work done and the cost of that work scares the crap out of you and you want them to work on the part where you feel needs the most attention and they want to work on cosmetic stuff and sell you a $400 tooth brush and $89 toothpaste (I'm not kidding) it kind of makes you jaded about going to the dentist. The past two dentists I've tried to go to have been like that, the dental hygienists are the gate keeper and you have to get past them to get to the dentist. Because I wouldn't be bullied by the dental hygienist I left and didn't go back.

Fortunately our new insurance has more flexibility with what dentist you can visit and while they pay a mere $1000 per year, its a $1000 I don't have to pay. I have a feeling my cost is going to top $12,000 for the work I need done....it sucks being poor financially challenged.

My diet of soft foods this week and especially lasts nights sodium rich soft food has done a number on the scale and while I'm shocked and completely embarrassed by the number I'm posting it anyhow because I promised at the beginning of the year I would post my weekly weigh in and I already took one week off this month.

This week: PLUS 4 pounds  (gasp...horrrrrrrror)

Total for 2009: 15.2

Dear Scale,


I'm totally kicking your ass next week.


Love, 
Me

the things we do for love

I had to take Sadie and Max to the vet recently to get their booster shots. Going to the vet has been a very traumatic process since the time we took them there for their "operations" I'd be upset if I woke up missing my "bits" too and every time they go there someone wants to poke, prod or jab them with something so yes, stressful indeed for the pampered pooches.

I've told you before about their dislike of the vet but I don't think I've ever told you just how badly they behave and how much stress it causes me. Max is typically very good. Sadie on the other hand, she goes absolutely apeshit...sorry there is no other word and this time I have proof.

This is my happy little Max....what a face!

And this is my sweet Sadie...that look!

Sorry in advance that I held the cell phone the wrong way and they are sideways but they are more for the sound than the video....

Max is first and he's sitting on the bench next to me and you can hear Sadie in the background...





That was NOTHING....wait til you see a little sample of Sadie or as we like to call her now, Sadie the howling hound dog



and now try putting up with this for 90 minutes because an emergency came in and you had to wait.

No honey, I won't have dinner ready when you get home. My head will be jammed between the pillows for the next week trying to erase the vet visit from my head.

the moments in between

I had insomnia the other night and I found myself on the sofa flipping thru the channels. I told myself I'd watch whatever film was starting next and the winner was No Country For Old Men. Towards the end of the film one character said to another, and I'm paraphrasing here.... all of the time you spend trying to get back what’s been taken from you, the more time is going out the window....How true is that? How much time have I wasted trying to get back to a place that no longer exists? At what point do I start living for today? Be it a quest for revenge or something entirely different you have to know where to draw the line, some things are worth holding on to, some things are worth fighting for but sometimes you have to know when to let go.


I've spent a lot of time looking back to the past, I know that some of you have too, wishing we could get back to a size or weight we were in the past and while it’s great to have goals when those images or ideals start to interfere with our day to day living and we start to miss out on life that’s going on all around us, it’s time to make a few changes. As much as we’d like to wait to do things when we look or feel a certain way, life isn’t waiting, the world isn’t waiting, time keeps spinning and by focusing too much on the past, we’re missing out on the here and now. Its also important to make sure what we're on a quest for is realistic and obtainable today.


Time is so precious. I’ve put off doing a lot of things in my life including losing weight because I’d always tell myself there would be time for it tomorrow. I think back to all of the things that I’ve missed by filling my life with longing for things in the past that are gone, all of that space could have been filled with beautiful memories.


I'm making some changes in my life and some of them involve letting go of the past. I had a falling out with a family member and I let that upset me for years...years I spent imagining what I should have said and what I would say if I ever saw them again. I felt so deeply hurt and betrayed and I just couldn't let it go. So in my inventory of issues or things from the past this came up and I asked myself to answer honestly; if I could go back to that place, if I could fix things and go back in that world again would I be happy? Would I want to be there? The answer was a resounding NO. I don't want back in that world and if I were back in that version of reality I wouldn't be happier. I recalled the crazy drama they'd throw at me on a regular basis and that isn't my kind of happy. It’s so easy to idealize things from this side of the fence isn’t it?


I like my world for the most part. I have a wonderful loving husband and two great dogs. I have friends and I'm making new friends all of the time. Yes I am working on the issues behind my binge eating and with that weight loss will follow. I'm exercising on a regular basis and my body is growing stronger and healthier each day. I've also realized that some things just aren't that important anymore and I’m letting them go one by one.

I suppose that sometimes we all need to stop and take inventory and make sure what we're wishing for is something we still really. If the thing we are holding on to is stopping us from moving forward and living in the present, its time to let it go. I for one need to grasp every second of every minute and live, really truly live my life in the present.

Healthy You Challege Check In Week 8 2009

Another week gone, almost another month gone...can you believe it? Time is flying by! I know I say that every week but lately I've been putting time into perspective and its something I'll blog more about later this week.

Are you having a great week? Congratulations!

Struggling? Today is a great day to restart!

Welcome


Returning The Fat Suit
http://returningthefatsuit.blogspot.com/

Fat Don't Wrinkle
http://fatdontwrinkle.blogspot.com/

Boo's Place
http://boobearsplace.blogspot.com/

The Seduction of a Binge

Binge eating is a seductive beast. It calls out to me with a soft whisper hinting at the promise of comfort and contentment. Surrounded by the safety of willpower it's beautiful song plays like sweet music in my mind, calling me ever closer, seducing and tempting me with the promise of that which I know so well.

Listen closely, its not a beautiful song, instead its a conglomeration of years of painful cries and past memories its filled with guilt and self loathing. Its a song so torturous those not accustomed to its melody would would at first crinkle their nose and feel discomfort, then they'd cover their ears and eventually collapse to the ground in an attempt to escape the horrible sound...but not me, my ears are immune, I only hear the beauty in the song and in one blinding moment I'm caught up in something that feels so intoxicating and so powerful that the pain that I KNOW will follow is completely forgotten and for one brief moment and I'm sucked into the vacuousness of the black hole all over again...







...somewhere on the other side it leaves me broken and shattered into a million little pieces and the rebuilding process starts. I carefully put everything back in its place and start all over again, telling myself that I won't fall prey to the beast again. Everything gets tucked into a neat and tiny little box that I swear I've opened for the very last time. Yet its so hard to believe in that promise because history has repeated itself so many times in the past. So many times.So many times.

I'm finding my way to a better place. In this better place food is a source of nutrition and not a drug. I don't obsess over every morsel of food and where the sweet songs are really just that, sweet songs. I don't diet, I live. What a beautiful place that must be.

Pom Wonderful pomegranate juice

A while back I read a review that John Is Fit wrote on Pom Wonderful pomegranate juice and I was sort of disappointed when he said he didn’t care for the taste. I’m the girl who grew up eating pomegranates and would jump for joy every autumn when Mom told me she found pomegranates in the store that day, how could pomegranate juice not taste divine? I tucked his review away and continued eating fresh pomegranates for the rest of the season and moved on to my other seasonal favorite, clementines, when the last of the pomegranate left the shelf, content to wait until fall for more pomegranate yumminess.

A few weeks into January I got an email from Pom Wonderful asking if I’d like to try some samples of their product and I immediately said YES hoping that John was wrong.

When the box arrived I immediately loved the cute little bottles. I quickly put all but one into the fridge and sat down with the literature to read about the benefits of Pom Wonderful and pomegranates in general. Heart health, prostate and antioxidant superpower, impressive but how would it taste? 

Antioxidant Superpower jumped off the page at me immediately. Studies have shown that pomegranate juice is more effective at neutralizing some free radicals than other sources of antioxidants. In fact compared to the antioxidants in red wine, pomegranate juice has 17% more polyphenol antioxidants than red wine with a 75% vs 46% neutralization rate. Move over red wine, I have a new drink to serve with dinner and I can drive after!

You probably also know how concerned I am with my heart and heart health in general after losing both of my parents to heart disease. One study showed improved blood flow to the heart in patients drinking 8 ounces of Pom Wonderful over a three month span. Another showed reduction in arterial plaque growth. Another reason to like Pom Wonderful juice.

Immediately after reading that my eyes went straight to the prostate health and erectile function benefits and while I don’t personally have a prostrate my beloved does keeping him healthy is a job that I love.

You can read more about the health benefits and the studies behind their findings on the Pom Wonderful website.

After reading all of the impressive benefits I still hadn’t tried the juice. I looked at the little bottle and opened it up and took a sip. I wanted to like it, I really wanted to love but I had heard it was a very tart tasting drink and I squashed and squinted my face and eyes as if I was about to sip poison as the bottle touched my lips and I took a sip everything negative I had read about the taste went out the window. In fact it is a tart tasting drink but it also has sweetness to it. I didn’t just like it, I loved it! I handed Ken the bottle and asked him to take a sip and he really enjoyed the taste too.


Immediately the sweetness concerned me and I spun the bottle to see that it is high in sugar however its 100% pomegranate juice, no sugars added. These are naturally occurring sugars that are concentrated in this juice. But still I need to watch my sugar intake so rather than gulping down the rest of the cute little 8 ounce bottle I grabbed a fancy glass and a bottle of sparkling water and I made myself a sparkling Pom Wonderful water.


While the taste might not be for everyone, the health benefits certainly make it worth trying. Don't let what others have said keep you from trying this product (or any product) it really is a matter of taste and personal preference but its a good bet that if you enjoy the fruit, you'll like the juice a lot! 

They have a wide variety of products and even have Pom pills for those of you who don’t care for the taste. Unfortunately the sugar content would keep me from drinking the recommended 8 ounces per day however I’ve started adding an ounce of Pom Wonderful to the bottle of water I drink immediately after my morning walk and the little bit of sugar in the juice and I’ve found I don’t have that crash a few hours after the walk. Pom Wonderful, I think you’re wonderful!

another friday, another weigh in

My weight loss has slowed down dramatically and that is something I expected to happen when I started focusing on my underlying issues instead of calorie counting. I had a binge eating relapse triggered by stress and I’ve realized that trying to lose weight and keep it off without dealing with the underlying issues is like trying to light a fire made of ice cubes. So I’m dealing.


I didn’t weigh in last Friday so this weigh in is for two weeks.

Past two weeks: Minus 2 pounds

Total for 2009: 19.2


YAY!

Fire in the hooooooood

I was driving home and I could see smoke off in the distance and I thought....I live over there.

As I got closer Ken called to say he was headed out but I should take the back road home because there was smoke south west of the house and lots and LOTS of fire trucks, planes and helicopters.

So of course when I got home I whipped out my camera and walked down the block with my neighbor and into a friends backyard to snap a few photos of the helicopter that was dipping into the lake to take water to dump on to the fire.

The fire somewhat contained but they said it would probably take another two days to put out and we're having very gusty winds that just aren't helping matters.

I'm in no danger and its still over a mile from my home so don't worry about me. I just wanted to share some of my helicopter photos of FL Forestry Services at work!

8 reasons to write a weight loss blog, healthy lifestyle blog or fitness blog

I recently read several emails from people who don’t blog but wanted to tell me they enjoyed my blog and wanted give feedback on certain topics. There are people out there who aren’t blogging because they feel like they aren’t good writers or don’t know what to say and I think thats a shame. Anyone can blog, practice makes perfect. When I write a post I don’t worry about sentence structure or grammar, I just write. Once its done I read back through it to see if it makes a reasonable amount of sense and then I press publish. Easy peasy! 
 

I’ve listed my top 8 reasons for writing a weight loss blog and maybe you have some that you’d like to add to the list. What are your reasons for blogging about weight loss, health and fitness?




1. Accountability: I blog to stay accountable to myself but knowing that others are checking in on me makes me try just a little bit harder too. I started the Healthy You Challenge for myself first and to help others second. I needed accountability on this journey. Without it, I would have been one of those people who once had a weight loss blog but I haven’t posted in a long time. There is something about putting it out there for the world to see that makes it real and keeps you accountable.


2. Support: Support is something you get when you give. Make sense? If you’re writing a blog and you want support, start by visiting a few blogs. Find bloggers with goals similar to yours and show them support and most of them will do the same in return. Don’t limit yourself to just those who have the same number of pounds to lose as you do. Some of my biggest cheerleaders have only had 10 pounds to lose or have already reached their goal. Don’t count anyone out or think they can’t relate to you, we all share similar struggles. Support comes in all shapes and sizes.


3. Inspiration: There are bloggers out there who have lost a staggering amount of weight and are a huge inspiration to all of us. There are bloggers out there who have been consistent in their efforts and have taught us lessons in perseverance. Some blog about a healthy lifestyle and live it every day. Others share their workout and fitness tips. Weight loss, healthy lifestyle and fitness bloggers don’t really get a lot of acknowledgment in the blogging world but there is so much heart and soul out there just waiting to be discovered. You can find inspiration in someone’s success and inspiration in watching someone overcome another struggle, seeing them pick themselves up and dust themselves off and prepare to fight another day. There is no shortage of inspiration out there, not sure where to get started, have a look to the right at my blogroll or go to Tuesday's post and see all of those HYC bloggers who signed in for the week to stay accountable. Inspiration is everywhere!



4. Ideas: Reading other weight loss, healthy lifestyle and fitness blogs have provided ideas for mind, body and spirit. I've found practical tips and ideas. Another blogger may have posted a problem and reading through some of the suggestions other bloggers give them triggers something that spurs me to action in my own life. Ideas for meal planning, recipes and new foods to try. I’ve read honest reviews on fitness products and found ideas for enhancing my workout. I’ve also found ideas on soothing my spirit through meditation and relaxation. You can share your ideas with the world and get feedback from others who may have been down the same path. There are a plethora of topics being discussed today and there really is something for everyone.


5. Reference: Writing this blog for nearly two years gives me written reference of where I’ve been and helps me plan where I need to go. Its nice to be able to look back and read my words, not only do I see how far I’ve come but it also allows me to kick myself back in gear by remembering how strong I am.



6. Therapeutic: Part of weight loss blogging for me has been about working through issues I have in my world. I’ve put them out there for the world to see and I’ve received a tremendous amount of feedback, suggestions, ideas, support and encouragement. There have been times when I thought that I was the only one who felt a certain way or the only one who ever did something and I’d blog about it and find that so many others out there have been through the same thing and also found that people aren’t as judgmental as I thought they’d be. Even though some couldn’t relate personally, they understood and it makes you feel a little less alone in this world.



7. Friendship: I just can't say enough about this one. I never expected to make friends in the blogging world. I’ve been fortunate to meet two of my fellow weight loss bloggers in person and get a chance to bond face to face with them but I’ve also made lifelong friendships with people from around the world through blogging. Some I may never meet face to face but I know we’ll be lifelong friends.


8. Fun stuff and Freebies – Companies often promote their new products by sharing them with bloggers. Bloggers give away stuff and most of the the time all you need to do is leave a comment to enter to win. Your odds of winning are pretty good too. I won a Biggest Loser prize pack and I’ve been fortunate enough to be asked to give away several great prizes. And YES I will be blogging about a new giveaway very soon so stay tuned!

 

So there you have it, my top eight reasons why you should be blogging about your weight loss journey, healthy lifestyle or fitness. I know that most of you reading have already started your blog but there are a few of you out there who are still on the fence. Today is a great day to start: blogger and wordpress are two easy to use sites that can get you started blogging in just minutes! What are you waiting for? Start writing!


What are your reasons for blogging? Who are your favorite bloggers? Where do you find what you need from blogging? Leave a comment and let me know. 

Healthy You Challenge Check In Week 7, 2009

Hi everyone! Welcome to week 7 of 2009! Today is a great day to get started, get back on track or push yourself just a little bit harder. I hope you're all having a great week, please join me in welcoming our newest HYC members!




Please note that these names are not on the blog roll yet but will be by the end of Tuesday.

WELCOME!

Stephany's Weight Journey
http://mzstefweightbegone.blogspot.com/

Weigh of Life
http://weightoflife.blogspot.com/

We could be more than Just Amazing
http://25poundsofnothing.blogspot.com/

Sharing A Dream, Accomplished
http://sharing-a-dream.blogspot.com/

My 3 Month Challenge
http://my3monthchallenge.blogspot.com/

Achieving the Real Me
http://achievingtherealme.blogspot.com/

Seriously Too: Weight For It!
http://seriously2weightforit.blogspot.com/

my husband spent valentine’s day in an adult entertainment establishment and how was your valentine’s day?

Yes it was one of those places where women walk around “modeling” sexy lingerie while the men…erm, never mind, this blog isn’t Xrated. Needless to say Valentines Day was a bust for me. Now before you start sending hate Ken’s way, he wasn’t there by choice, I mentioned he had to work on Saturday and one of his jobs that just happened to be in one of those places…and I suppose I should mention that the place isn’t open for business yet, they are still remodeling so its not like he had half naked women in sexy lingerie throwing themselves at him and gyrating for a buck. Just a bunch of sweaty construction men. I suppose I should have mentioned that the place wasn't open for business yet before I started telling the story, but where is the fun in that?


Friday was our day together and it was so nice. We visited the vampires to get Ken’s blood work done, then off to breakfast, errands and lots and lots of shopping. I can’t recall the last time I walked so much. We parked the car at one place and just walked, typical to do in Europe but not here in America where we move our car from one end of the parking lot to the other if we aren’t visiting stores in between. So in an effort to be less lazy, move more and live by the code I’ve been trying to embrace…we walked and walked and walked!

On Friday I also got a phone call that I've been waiting for. My heart actually sunk when they identified themselves on the phone as being from my doctors office and they had my test results. I didn't expect a phone call, I expected a letter. But thankfully the phone call was good news saying that my mammogram was normal. I'm so relieved to know that I'm starting from a decent baseline. My blood sugar is up but not quite to diabetic levels everything else is good so I can still turn this around. I still have a shot at a healthy life and I need to take this second chance and make the most of it with every fiber of my being.


Friday night we picked up takeout and ate at home…why? Because of the dogs of course. We’d been gone all day and the puppers were missing us. On a typical day Supreme Master Human leaves for work and leaves the one who gets to share his bed home to tend to their needs (providing food, water, opening the door for potty breaks and giving belly rubs) but when we leave together, the sadness ensues. Our neighbor who spent the day working in her lawn reported that they spent all day looking out the front window. They barked when the garbage men stole our trash, they barked when the mailman touched our box, they barked when the kids came home from school and they barked when Fred dared walk across our lawn and hang out for a while I opened the front door and Sadie came charging to me and practically lept into my arms. Max who never jumps up was jumping up to be held so there I am standing in the front yard with 50 pounds of dog in each arm and getting my face slobbered until they realized Ken was home too and ditched me to give him proper slobberage.


I actually got a lot done on Saturday. I had a gift card from Lane Bryant for $100 and they emailed a coupon for $50 off a purchase of $150 or more so I thought I would see what I could find. I absolutely love their Right Fit Jeans and their Cacique line of bras and WOW did I ever hit a good sale. I ended up with a pair of jeans, 15 pairs of underwear, 2 new night gowns and four bras for the bargain price of….$11, yes that eleven dollars and I think that most of that $11 was tax. Gotta love that! Needless to say Saturday afternoon involved cleaning out my underwear drawer and getting rid of my old stuff to make room for the new stuff. I bought the stuff to make chocolate covered strawberries but never made them so perhaps if I have time later today I’ll make them.


So what will today bring? I have no idea. I'm not feeling one way or the other, just sort of neutral. I have errands and I'm going to avoid all of those places that have Valentines candy on sale because I'm not feeling very strong right now and I don't completely trust myself around candy. I just have to tell myself I'm worth so much more than cheap candy.

And how was your weekend? Any special Valentines Day celebrations?

The scale is collecting dust today...I'm on a date!

Yes its Friday (somewhere in the world) but Thursday night as I type. I know I typically post my weight on Friday but I’m not this Friday because as you read this I’m enjoying an early Valentine’s Day all day date with Ken. 

Those of you who've been reading a while probably know that we don't typically make a fuss about Valentine's Day but prefer to do little special things throughout the year for no particular reason. No I'm not selling out, Ken needed to get blood work done and do a few other errands so we're just enjoying a day together since he's working on Saturday anyhow its just a coincidence that his day off falls the day before Valentines Day.


I am planning on making a nice meal for Saturday night (or Sunday night if his work schedule is too crazy on Saturday) and including this as one of my side dishes. Ken loves it and so do I!! and I'm also making chocolate covered strawberries because I read Nat's post about the Florida State Fair and it reminded me of the delicious chocolate covered strawberries we had there last year. If you need a dessert idea why not try the lower calorie strawberry shortcake recipe I posted last month?

Don’t worry I’m dusting off the scale and I’ll be back next Friday with a weigh in.

If you don’t get a chance to stop back on Saturday or Sunday….

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Whirling Mind Makes For Babbling Blogger

I’m finding it difficult to write today. My mind is racing in 101 different directions and I’m having a hard time finding that balance of inner peace today. I draw a fine line in the sand of what I should blog about and what I should keep private. Some of it is obvious and some of it not so much.

I walked this morning with Sadie and Max and when it came to the turn in the road where we make the choice between 1 mile and 2.5 mile route they just walked straight towards the 2.5 mile route, turned their little heads to look at me as if to say “come on human, this way” and so we did. There was a light fog in the air and the salt was heavy in the air and on my lips reminding me that the Gulf of Mexico was just behind that row of houses and across the street. When we got to the bend in the road that looks out at the Gulf of Mexico I stopped for a moment and peeked through the mangroves and while I couldn’t see far through the fog had a sense of peace for just a moment that was quickly snapped by Sadie and Max pulling me forward toward a tree with a squirrel shaking his bushy tail at us.

Typically the morning walk is the calm and peaceful time when I clear my head and enjoy the nature around me. Today my brain just felt chaotic. Oh sure the birds were still squawking and talking to us like they do every morning but instead of enjoying the sound of it left me feeling unsettled.


My life has been so unstable for so many years now and I need calm, I need security and I need that sense of peace. I’m taking actions to pull myself out of this rut but I’m not ready to talk about them yet. It’s all a part of my overall self improvement that I’m working on.

I’ve come to terms with the fact that I have unresolved issues, that I have a binge eating or compulsive eating disorder and that there are other areas of my life that I’m just not happy with. I’ve gotten pretty damn comfortable in this rut that I’ve been wallowing in but enough is enough, I’ve given myself an eviction notice.

Life is happening all around me, time is passing me by. I can sit in this rut and feel sorry for myself or I can take a chance and pull myself out of it and deal with the consequences as they happen. Yes that means I’m going to have to make myself uncomfortable at times and deal with things I don’t want to deal with but in the long run I believe this will be the course of action that gives me another 20 to 30 years on this planet.

What does this have to do with weight loss? Everything and nothing all at the same time. I’ve blamed my weight for almost everything that has ever been wrong in my world. Once I’ve lost the weight those problems are still going to be there so I might as well deal with them now and start living my life now and enjoying the ride instead of being filled with dread.

Diet fear and self sabotage patterns

The one element of this journey that I haven’t been able to reach the root of is why I self sabotage my diet time and time again. So I’m turning to you for help.

Years ago I was following a program that my doctor outlined for me based on exchanges. I was working with a nutritionist and what she recommended X amount of protein, X amount of grains, X amount of veggies and fruits…you get the idea. I was doing really well on this program. So well in fact that I went in for my weigh in and I asked her if they had remodeled the office. She was curious to know why I thought they remodeled the office. I explained that on my first visit I didn’t fit into the chairs in the waiting room and now I fit with ease. She laughed and we talked more about my progress and where I was struggling. I explained that it was difficult for me to eat the dairy servings she recommended because I just don’t like milk and yogurt is something that I choked down but hated. She suggested that I continue to eat my dairy but once a week I could allow myself to have a small Frosty as long as I continued to lose weight, I could have the Frosty.

When Friday rolled around I headed to the Wendy’s drive thru to a Frosty. I sat in the drive thru line and at the window I said “one small Frosty please” When I got to the window there was a cute guy working and he said with a wink “we’re out of small cups so I gave you a medium” I remember smiling and saying thank you but thinking I’d only eat part of this medium Frosty but of course when I got home temptation and stupidity won out and the next thing I knew my spoon was scraping the bottom of the medium cup and I was cursing the guy at the drive thru. I felt sick and disgusted with myself but I didn’t binge.

The next morning I rushed to the doctor’s office and did an unofficial weigh in and much to my surprise I was down 3 pounds from earlier in the week. WOW that Frosty was magical wasn’t it!?

And this is where things start to go completely screwy in my brain. So the next night when I was out with friends and they were getting fast food, I got another Frosty, this time, a small. Weigh in day came on Monday and those 3 pounds that I had been down the other day were now 4 pounds. I really knew how to lose weight, I had just invented the Frosty Diet. So every night that week I ordered a Frosty and on the fifth night I had to go to the grocery store after work so instead of a Frosty I’d look for a small portion of low fat ice cream, Ben and Jerry’s Chocolate Frozen Yogurt with Brownies….it was so delicious that the next day I went back and bought three more of these delicious pints of yumminess and while I had intended to only eat one the next day, I ate all three.

Needless to say my nutritionist was in shock when I got on the scale and saw that I had gained EIGHT pounds in one week. She asked if anything had changed and I said “no, not a thing” and because she wanted to encourage me she suggested it could be hormones or my body adjusting, water weight, etc. I felt so bad for telling her a bold faced lie that I vowed to get back on track and lose those eight pounds. Over the next week I gave up my friends Ben and Jerry, their pint sized wonder wasn’t doing it for me anymore, I had moved on to the half gallon brownie ice cream. Not quite as tasty but volume mattered.

At the doctors I was up 2 more pounds, I don’t remember what she said to me because I had tuned out. I never went back. I continued to eat and eat. Occasionally I’d look at the diet she gave me and vow I’d go back on it on my own. I’d “try” for a few hours or a few days but as soon as someone one at the office suggested something “bad” for lunch I’d ditch the lunch I brought from home and dive face first into the high calorie sodium laden food.

And so this pattern has repeated every time I’ve tried to diet or lose weight over the years, time and time again. Sure the food of choice changes but the pattern remains the same.

• Go on diet/change eating/eat right/exercise
• Lose weight/start to feel better
• Think: I know how to do this
• Self Sabotage and tell myself its okay because “I know how to lose weight”

So here I am, lather rinse repeat. I know how to lose weight. I know that I must plan; I must take a certain set of actions yet something inside of me goes crazy and the more I fight it the more I want to binge eat. Every single day is a battle. Every single day I fight with myself. Every single day I force myself to do what I need to do. Most of the time I do what I need to do but not all of the time because something inside of me still triggers that self sabotage mode and I have to stop myself before it turns into a full blown binge.

Do you self sabotage? How do you overcome it if you do? How do you stay on plan? I’ve tried using fear as a motivator and I’ve found that I don’t scare that easily. I treat every day as a fresh start and a new beginning. I haven’t self sabotaged yet but I feel it building and I have to find a way to turn it off. I’m fighting as hard as I can but at the same time I’m so scared.

Healthy You Challenge Check In Week 6, 2009

No major announcements this week. I just wanted to say that its never too late to make a fresh start.


If you have general HYC questions please email me at scalejunkie at gmail dot com. I've set up the healthyyouchallenge email address with an auto responder to welcome new members and instruct them on getting started.

WELCOME!

Weight Challenge
http://weightchllenge.blogspot.com/

FatGirlWalking
http://fatgirlwalking.wordpress.com/

Country Bell
http://southerncountrybell.blogspot.com/ 

Jumpstarting Your New Year’s Resolution Diet

So here it is the beginning of February and maybe things haven’t gone as planned. Or maybe its June and you need to get back on the wagon. I’ve been reading a lot of blogs and some of you have found yourself struggling and some of you are still haven’t found a way to get started again but a lot of people out there are trying to recapture that magical feeling you felt on the first day of your diet. The magical moments in the first weeks and months when you felt SO STRONG and SO ALIVE!

If you’ve been reading this blog for any length of time you know I’ve had my share of ups and downs along the way. Learning from our mistakes leads to personal growth and I’m sharing a few of my big mistakes and how I’ve learned to overcome them and give myself that mental and spiritual boost I needed to make me fight another day and I’m sharing the ways that I get back on track…and you know I’ve had to get back on track many many times.

Turn back a page in time

You may not realize it but by blogging you’re making a record of what works for you and what doesn’t. While I don’t share my menu I do try to enter my food into sparkpeople every day and keep a record of what I’ve have to eat and how much physical activity I’ve incorporated into my day. I'm looking back at successful weeks and using those menus for this week. Take a look back and see what you were doing right. Did you blog about how great you felt? Read those words, read YOUR words and reclaim that victory and use it to fuel you. Read the blogs of others and see what has them motivated and borrow a little bit of motivation from them. Motivation is a wonderful contagious thing and people are often willing to give encouragement if you just ask.

Ditch the all or nothing mentality.

Don’t make your diet an all or nothing venture. This mindset and mentality is a sure set up for failure. Diets shouldn’t be painful because they should be about creating a new healthy lifestyle. If you’re doing something that you can’t or won’t stick to long term then it’s time to think about looking at other choices. This process shouldn’t hurt. I may be uncomfortable at times but I’m learning that being a little bit uncomfortable is what I need from time to time to push me out of my current mindset and into a positive frame of thinking. There are going to be times when you eat something you shouldn’t and in the past I’ve let one bite of something lead to weeks or months of laying down and wallowing in self pity, self loathing and a vat of ice cream. What I’ve learned from reading so many success stories is you must make the recovery time on a slipup fast. If you fall, get back up again, dust yourself off and keep moving. One bite of something doesn’t mean you’re a failure. Even a whole meal that is off plan doesn’t mean you’re a failure. Get back on track the next meal, not the next day.

Out of sight out of mind

Stock up on healthy foods and have them in plain sight. I moved the fruit from the bottom drawer to the top of the refrigerator in a bowl. Now the first thing I see when I open that fridge is a beautiful bowl of colorful fruit. You wouldn’t plan to dig a ditch and forget to bring a shovel would you? The same is true with healthy eating; you need to have the right tools to get the job done. Whatever plan you pick, know your plan, read the book and know what go to foods you need to have on hand to make yourself successful.

Get moving

The other day MizFit was talking about exercise and reminded us that every little bit counts. 10 minutes here, 10 minutes there and 10 minutes in between still adds up to 30 minutes so even if you can’t do 30 minutes, do something. Do anything. I started off walking down the block to the corner, and then around the block. I now have several routes that I walk around my neighborhood that I’ve mapped out on map my run and I know how far I’m walking. Yes its called map my run but you don’t have to be a runner to use it and if you don’t tell them you aren’t jogging your route I won’t either. I’ve found myself doing little things I would have skipped out on before out of laziness. I park further away, I walk my cart back to the store, not the nearest cart return and I sneak in exercise where I can because it all adds up.

Set a deadline to start

If you know in your heart of hearts you aren’t ready to start a healthy lifestyle for whatever reason then don’t lie to yourself or anyone else and say you are. You’re only setting yourself up to feel like a failure and when you fail over and over and over again, it takes its toll on your psyche. No you don’t have to be ready to jump in and give it your all today but set a reasonable deadline to start. If you tell yourself that you’ll be ready to start living a healthier lifestyle in a week then circle that day in bright red on the calendar but as you work your way up to that date but promise yourself that you’ll do something healthy for yourself every day leading up to that start. It could be as simple as eating a healthy breakfast.

Baby steps

Make a list of what you need to do to live a healthy lifestyle. You might include things such as eating a healthy breakfast, meal planning, counting calories, exercise, eating whole grains, eating a minimum of 5 servings of fruits and veggies per day, ditching trans fats or foods with hfcs. Once you’ve made your list pick a place to start. Keep it reasonable. Don’t tell yourself you’ll start off doing an hour of exercise per day, start at a level that is good for your current fitness level. Then map it all out on a calendar. When I got started I promised myself that the only thing I needed to do for a whole week was eat a healthy breakfast. I like to start with the healthy breakfast because if I start my day off right, the rest seems to fall into place. Then on week 2, I ate a healthy breakfast and started eating healthy whole grains, brown rice instead of white rice and whole grain bread instead of white bread. Week 3 I was eating a healthy breakfast, eating whole grains and making sure I had enough fruits and veggies. Week 4 I started walking…you get the idea.

Actions speak louder than words 
You don’t believe me? Read this post from Lyn  and this post from Chubby Chick  and there are more of you out there. I know I’m not alone, they aren’t alone, you’re not alone either. The little actions add up. I’m not an expert but I know what it takes to lose weight and keep it off. Wanting to lose weight isn’t enough. Knowing how to lose weight isn’t enough. If wanting were enough I’ve be thin and healthy. I know how to lose weight but I don’t always take the actions necessary to get me there. I’m working on that process now.



Never give up!

I think the single most important thing I’ve learned is that living a healthier lifestyle doesn’t have to hurt. I don’t feel deprived and I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything. With careful planning you can eat great and still enjoy celebrations and learn to work towards a healthier you. But it takes work. There is no magic pill. The only person who can do this for you is YOU. Only you can control what the fork (or the fingers) deliver to your mouth. Only you can do the little things that add up. Wanting isn't enough. Wishing isn't enough. It takes action. Never ever give up.

my lucky day

Hello fellow bloggers! I just wanted to stop by and let you know that my life is about to change drastically! Today when I opened my email box I found out that I had not only won the lottery in South Africa but in Australia as well!! The sad news is a relative I never ever knew has passed away. Unfortunately he didn’t have any heirs and apparently I’m the sole heir of his vast fortune.

And remember how stressed I was last year when I didn’t have health insurance and worried about if I’d be able to go to the doctor and get my prescriptions? Well it turns out I worried for nothing and I don’t have to go to the doctor at all! I can simply fill out a form and their doctor will accept me as a patient! I pay a fee and they get my pills for free or practically free and charge me an extortionate fee (good thing I won the lottery and inherited all of that money isn’t it) and mail the pills directly to my house. WOW wasn’t that easy!

As luck would have it my good fortunes continued today because I found that Tag Heuer watch that Ken has been wanting for just $50, quite a savings from the asking price of $1250 at my local jewelers.

I’m also very excited to share with you that I won’t have to diet or exercise ever again! A brand new discovery has been made and my belly can be flat in just 7 days! But wait there’s more! If I’m one of the lucky selected customers for an extra fee I can upgrade to the total package…OH PLEASE PICK ME because I’d look really stupid walking around with a flat stomach and a huge ass and thighs.

Holy crap you aren’t going to believe this! While I was typing this post another email came in, I’ve won the lottery in the UK too!! Woooohooooo!!

Award winning coffee break boobie smashing hospital weigh in

All of those things didn’t necessarily happen together…just this past week.

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for their kind words and understanding on yesterday's post. I know that there are people out there who don't binge eat and won't relate to the post but I had hoped to give a little bit of insight to a binge and let those who do binge eat know that they are not alone.


I won the LUV Award from Lorrie at Token Fat Girl for blogging with Great Attitude and/or Gratitude, thanks Lorrie!

Here are the rules:

• 1. Put the logo on your blog or post. (You can highlight the photo and text of this post and copy/paste wherever you need to...start your highlight from the bottom up to get the photo)
• 2. Nominate 10 blogs which show GREAT ATTITUDE and/or GRATITUDE
• 3. Be sure to link to your nominees within your post.
• 4. Let them know that they have received this award by commenting on their blog.
• 5. Share the love and link to this post and to the person from whom you received the award.

Now you know I can’t pick just 10 because I think you’re all fabulous so consider yourself awarded the LUV award! And if you haven’t checked out Token Fat Girl’s blog get over there now…well, you could wait until you’ve finished reading all of my babble for today first. :-)


On Wednesday I had coffee with Nat and Bonnie. I thought about canceling because I was having a very stressful day but I’m so glad I didn’t. We had such a lovely time enjoying our coffee. Nat brought her son and he is just the most adorable little boy EVER!

Thursday was my mammogram appointment. For all of the women out there who’ve been told it hurts really bad and they smash your boobies as flat as a pancake, please don’t let fear of pain keep you from going. Was it mildly uncomfortable, yes. Did it hurt, not that bad..

While I was waiting for my mammogram a man waiting for his wife to get an ankle xray decided he was my new best friend and he talked my ear off. I’m one of those people that others seem to want to tell their life story to in a one on one situation. He regaled me with the wonders of his new discovery…the internet and his color printer. During this time I received a disturbing text from one of my younger friends asking for prayers for her younger brother because he was in the hospital and not doing too good.

After my boobie smash (that DIDN’T HURT AT ALL, go schedule your appointment now if you’re due for one) I called her because I remembered that her brother lived near me, as it turned out he was at the same hospital I was at for the mammogram. She was on her way out to pick up food for her family but I was able to meet her briefly in the parking lot and give her a big hug and went I back last night to sit with them for a while longer. My heart hurts for her and her entire family.

While my calories have been in check this week my water consumption has not been.

Goals for this week: drink enough water, walk 1.5 to 2.5 miles per day, eat a heart healthy diet and stay within my calorie allowances.



Current Week: MINUS .5 pound

Total for 2009: 17.2 pounds

I was hoping for more than a half of a pound loss but I know it all adds up!

Battling Binge Eating

Sometimes it starts with the tiniest faint memory in the depths of my mind, a hint, a suggestion from cues or triggers around you, on TV maybe, a sound a smell or something else altogether and then something inside of me snaps and the next thing you know I’m surrounded by empty food containers and wondering what the hell just happened. What happened? I’ve just used food as a coping mechanism.

The doctor asked me the other day to tell me about the last time I gained a significant amount of weight and my response was just after I got married. I had been on Weight Watchers for a while before I met Ken, while we dated and right up until our wedding. I had lost over 100 pounds but was still considered morbidly obese. Within about 6 months I regained those 100 pounds. He sort of stumbled over his words when repeated the words gained 100 pounds in six months and I could tell he was rewriting the speech in his head about a lot of couples gaining weight when they are first married but I left him speechless for just a minute. He then asked if I had anything stressful happen in my life before that and while I was tempted to give him the whole story instead I just said yes, took a deep breath and told him that in the span of two weeks’ time I had quit a job after 15 years, my Mom died, I got married and I moved to a foreign country. I said it sofastmywordssortofran together. This wasn't the first time food comforted me.

I can’t remember the first time I binged. I have memories of my childhood and sneaking food. I remember going to the pantry and eating handfuls of brown sugar around the age of seven. When food would disappear my parents assumed my growing brother had eaten it when no one was looking. We had a large chest freezer in the laundry room and I’d take a spoon from the kitchen and scoop a large scoop of ice cream and eat it, then go back for another and another. If there was candy in the house I’d eat it and I’d eat a lot of it. I know now that there were traumas in my life at that age that triggered my binge eating and started me down the path of food abuse.

As I got a little bit older my parents divorced and I moved from my country home to a home in town with my mother. Just through a little alley way behind our home was a shortcut to a little neighborhood store. I remember going there and buying several candy bars at once, I’d tell the clerk my cousins were over and then pretend to count to make sure I got enough and I’d say “Mary wanted a Snickers, Tom wanted a Reeses….” and I’d always make sure I had four candy bars at a time. Eventually my great Aunt started working at the store and I had to get more creative. I’d go in and buy a can of frosting and cake or brownie mix and pretend mom was baking a cake. I had easy hiding places all over our house. We had a four story home that was built into a hillside. From the street it was four stories from the alley it was three. The main level was a summer kitchen and dining room in the front of the house; in the back of the house it had a basement/laundry with a root cellar. The summer kitchen was rarely used because my mom preferred our modern kitchen on the main level and that old refrigerator in the summer kitchen became my safe haven for my overflow of snacks. It was much easier to binge at my Dad’s house; I’d spend every weekend and most every day during the summer. That was probably what kept me from ballooning because at my Dads home in the country I was free to go hiking with my friends and ride bikes. I didn’t gain a lot of weight because I was so physically active. Sure I was chubby and I thought I was bigger than a cow but looking back I wasn’t that big. Dad always made sure I had a steady supply of candy and ice cream, plenty of meals out in restaurants and pizzas. Food was my friend. Food comforted me. Food took away the stress and anxiety that I felt even at that young age.

College brought new stress and anxiety. Pressure to do well in my classes, pressure from my Mom to find a husband and not just any husband...a "suitable husband."  It was harder to binge when I went away to college. I had access to unlimited food but I was a lady and ladies didn’t pig out in front of others, I had to get creative. My mom would buy snacks for my dorm room so I’d have a steady supply and friends would share their snacks. I had a car on campus but because so few students did if I went to the store someone would always want to join me. Luckily I discovered the “care package” I’d call my mom or one of my older sisters and tell them I was homesick and wanted some comfort and a few days later a box full of cookies, Doritos and candy would arrive. I’d tell them I shared the food with my friends, sometimes I did but most of the time I didn’t.

The one thing that remained consistent during my childhood and young adulthood was the need to appear normal to the outside world. I remember adults telling at a young age that I was so mature for my age. On the inside I was filled with rage that very rarely surfaced. I learned to hold it in and keep it tucked away. I had to be a good girl. I was also filled with this need to escape from my family. Had there been an internet back then I probably would have found a way to change my name legally and move away from them.

Moving to Florida was my escape but being on my own brought a whole new set of stress and problems. My sister moved to Florida with me and we struggled financially for the first few months but there was always money for food. We knew all of the places to get the most food for our money. Looking back I should have made a clean break from her and the rest of my family but I couldn’t afford to live the lifestyle that I wanted on my own and the idea of a roommate terrified me. I could get away with binge eating around my sister because she was a binge eater too but it would be harder to hide from a roommate. And so I continued to use food as my drug of choice. I worked with a group of people my age and we worked nights. We’d get together every night after work at one guys house and we’d drink. Some would use drugs but I didn’t want to go there, the alcohol was enough to numb me. He lived right around the corner from my house so it was a convenient stagger home past the 24 hour gas station for chips or something to take the edge off the alcohol. I honestly didn’t like drinking that much so I quickly became the designated driver of the group. I liked the numb feeling alcohol delivered but I still loved the feeling a binge gave me so much more . Binge eating was my one true love. In my early 20’s I had a close group of friends and we did things together, went places together and kept a very active social life of parties, clubs, concerts, festivals and sporting events. Instead of enjoying the time with my friends I’d spend my time thinking about and planning my next binge. We would eat at restaurants but I’d only eat as much as my friends ate. If they ordered salad, I’d order salad. If they ordered sandwiches I’d order a sandwich. If necessary I could always hit a 24 hour grocery store on the way home. To this day it drives Ken crazy because I always demand to know what he’s going to eat. Thankfully I don’t feel the need to base my choice on his anymore but that old habit has not left.

Through all of these times, all of these years of binge eating I’d gain and lose weight over and over again. I remember my Mom making comments about my eating as young as 6 years old. The first real diet I remember going on was Atkins in the 7th grade to lose weight for one a sister’s wedding. In 10th grade a doctor gave me diet pills that made me super hyper and took away my appetite. I lost weight but I remember not taking the pill because my desires to binge eat was stronger. The pills gave me an edgy feeling similar to the anxiety/panic feeling that drives me to binge eat. So 'd lie and say I was taking the pills but I had stopped.

I wish I could describe what it feels like on the inside, this need to eat and feast to excess, to the point where you feel like your stomach will explode if you take another bite. It consumes you. A food or taste surfaces in my head and it won't go away until I've consumed it and often in mass quantities. If it was a sweet item I'd always make sure to buy a savory item to chase it with and vise-versa. A desire to numb away all of your feelings and bury all of the pain of life and that is why I have compared my food addiction to the drug addiction one of my sisters has because it is that powerful. It is that strong and life consuming. Food is my drug. Food numbs me. Food calms my nerves. Food soothes me. Food is cheap and easy to access. No one sends you to prison for eating too much. Unlike a drug addict, you can't quit food.

While I can’t accurately convey the feelings I get when I binge eat, I can finally understand the reasons behind. I’m learning to identify triggers and not just avoid them because they aren’t always avoidable but to change my response to those triggers. Each day that I survive without binge eating is another victory. Each day that I say no to food I become that much stronger. But its not just a matter of telling myself no it’s a matter of screaming it to myself, sometimes in my head, sometimes out loud. I’ve read countless books and one of the books that has helped me retrain my brain is by Judith Beck, The Complete Beck Diet for Life. As I slowly work my way through this book I learn more skills to help me battle this beast raging inside me. I’ve spent a lot of time learning all I can learn about binge eating and while I’m not sure if I’ll ever consider myself cured I do know that I’m on the road to recovery. I'll continue to fight this fight. I'll continue to wage this war that is going on inside of me. I've seen the alternative and it leads to an early grave. I'm not ready for that yet, I have too much living left to do.