Healthy You Challenge Check In Week 13, 2009

Hi everyone! Week 13, 1/4 of the way through the year, there is still so much time to make a difference in your life and look back on 2009 with a sense of accomplishment and pride. If you want to challenge yourself, start today and work towards your next goal for the HYC half way through the year mark, June 30th. What can you accomplish? Can you do a few more pushups? Walk or run a little bit further? Finally give up _____ that keeps sabotaging your progress? Whatever it is, make it personal for YOU and set a goal for yourself. I believe there is always room for improvement in our lives.


A HUGE thank you all for your emails of congratulation last week letting me know you saw my name and blog on the Glamour blog. I shared with everyone in a post last Friday. I was so honored to be asked to contribute a quote and share the spotlight with such great company including our very own Mary from A Merry Life! You can read both of our quotes in the Glamour.com article 16 Ways I Learned To Love My Body! Mary's quote is on slide 9, my quote is on slide 7 but they are all good advice worth reading...and no those aren't our photos. I had a few amusing emails from family members telling me I'd changed....a LOT!


Now back to our regular HYC Check In and Welcome!

Moved

Fat Don't Wrinkle has moved, her new URL is http://hughzmama.wordpress.com/

Welcome

All Vegged Out
http://allveggedout.wordpress.com/

Pivotal Points
http://zoniegirl.blogspot.com/

Chocoholic Mimi
http://chocoholicmimi.blogspot.com/

Janey’s Blog
http://fatgone.wordpress.com/

Annalisa's Credences - Easier Said than Done
http://credences.blogspot.com/

I Did It My Weigh
http://ididitmyweigh.wordpress.com/

Dieting Is Wishful Shrinking: Getting a Wii Bit Fitter
http://dietingiswishfulshrinking.blogspot.com/

If you'd like to join the HYC please read about it HERE and then email me at healthyyouchallenge at gmail dot com with your blog name and blog URL.




For the rest of us, lets sign in below!

Spiraling upward on positive emotion: connecting mood and food

The other day we were looking for a car wash that didn’t have a huge line. We have strict water restrictions in the Tampa Bay area and we couldn’t just wash away the layers of yellow pollen that covered the car with the garden hose at home without expecting a fine.

Ken: There’s one with a short line!

Me: We can’t go to that one

Ken: Why not?

Me: They ripped me off once

Ken: What happened?

Me: The put the car through the car wash, and did a vacuum on the interior and when I went to get the money I had put in the ashtray for a tip and give it to them and the money was gone.

Ken: What did you do?

Me: I went in and I complained to the manager who gave me some lame excuse that their vacuums are very powerful and the money probably got sucked up by mistake and I told him the ash tray was closed and its funny how the postage stamps that were on top of the money didn’t get sucked up. He still tried to blame the vacuum so I called him a liar and a thief and when he tried to give me a voucher for a free car wash I ripped it up and threw it at him and I never went back.

Ken: When did this happen?

Me: It was when my Mitsubishi was brand new so that would have been 1992

Ken: and remember this? You’ve held a grudge against them all of this time

Me: yes I have

Ken: let it go already, do you really need to carry that negativity around with you? Over what? $2 or $3 dollars? The people working there have probably changed 20 times over by now



It made me stop and think: Why was I carrying this negativity with me? How much negativity do I carry around with me? Was it really a grudge? I thought I was just standing up for myself but at what point do I let it go? But when I think about it and consider the meaning of the word grudge: to stew or harbor ill feelings, deep-seated resentment or ill will. How ugly are those words? How ugly are negative words in general?

While I don’t think about the car wash on a regular basis when he suggested we go there I immediately felt tense and explained why I didn’t want to go there. How many other instances in my life have I held on to negative feelings? I suppose if each negative was represented by a marble and I put them in a jar that jar would be quite full, maybe even overflowing. If they were grains of sand, how big would my beach be?

How much negativity do we carry around with us that we don't even realize? Some of the negative feelings I’ve felt in the past maybe you’ve felt them too:

• Ashamed
• Criticized
• Dehumanized
• Embarrassed
• Humiliated
• Inferior
• Unworthy
• Ridiculed
• Powerless
• Imprisoned
• Discouraged
• Insignificant
• Lonely
• Judged
• Abused
• Defensive
• Insecure
• Intimidated
• Hopeless
• Pessimistic
• Skeptical
• Cynical

Once again I have to say: the only person I’m hurting by holding on to any of this is ME. How else does this affect my life?

In reference to my weight loss and attempts to stay on plan I often talk about feeling like I’m swirling around a black hole, struggling and fighting so I’m not sucked into that pit.

When I think of negative words and negative circumstances, I think of how they make me feel physically: angry, depressed, frustrated, tired, burned out, no energy. You might have heard the expression: I was so mad it made my blood boil. Another way of saying your blood pressure was elevated to a dangerous level. Not just bad for your mental outlook but we know that its not good for your heart. There are times when negative feelings are warranted but not knowing where to draw the line is dangerous to your health and well being.

Now I think about positive emotions and words in my life:

• Happy
• Joyful
• Calm
• Peaceful
• Love
• Compassion
• Delighted
• Ecstatic
• Encouraged,
• Hopeful
• Lively
• Kind
• Inspired
• Enthusiastic
• Content
• Connected
• Cheerful
• Radiant
• Serene
• Vibrant
• Elated
• Full of Life
• Jubilant
• Bliss
• Respected
• Worthy

Thinking about the two lists and how I feel when I read through each one, how I feel when I experience each one:

Positive emotions give you energy.

Negative emotions deplete your energy.

So now if you're saying: I thought this was a weight loss blog, why is she babbling on about car washes and emotions. How does this relate to my ongoing weight loss and healthy body efforts?

When I’m fueling my body with healthy foods and exercise: please refer to positive emotion list.

When I’m eating junk food and being lazy: please refer to the negative emotion list.

See the connection? In the past I’ve used certain foods to comfort negative emotions. These are habits and learned behaviors. Its important that we take time to learn these negative patterns and responses so we can build new and healthier responses. I know that I eat out of boredom and stress most of the time. Recognizing my stressors, recognizing the negative emotions that lead to the stressors has been a huge turning point in my ongoing battle. When I exercise I feel fabulous after and that feeling lasts. When I fuel my body with healthy foods, I feel good from the inside out.

When my body feels good it’s so much easier to let those negative comments roll off my back. It’s so much easier to see the struggles in life in a positive manner but when my body aches and I’m feeling run down its like I’ve opened a flood gate for the negative emotions and let me tell you, negative emotions are heavy and they weigh you down. They leave you feeling drained.

Yes bad things are going to happen our lives, we can’t always look at the positive side of things but it’s here were we really need to pick our battles carefully. I’d rather be in the upward spiral of the positive emotions headed towards cloud nine than sat at the bottom of a pit of despair. I realize that not every negative event needs to send me spiraling downward. I’ve also realized that holding on to too much negativity weighs you down and makes it easier it is to slide down the spiral. This is why learning to let go of the little things is so important.

I’ve learned that losing weight isn’t just about the food I put in my mouth and the exercise I give my body. There is a bigger connection. There is emotion behind my actions. For me understanding how these emotions connect had to happen before I find success. Its human to stumble sometimes but I’m getting up a lot quicker these days and I’m leaving a lot of baggage behind. Its up to me now, I can change my attitude and change my world.

Ways I learned to love my body

A few weeks ago Kristen Flanagan asked me to contribute a quote for an article she was writing for Glamour on learning to love your body. My quote was included in the article 16 Ways I Learned to Love My Body on Glamour.com

The quotes are from body-image and weight-loss bloggers and I'm so honored to be included in such great company. Here is my quote:

I never felt like I fit in, and I struggled with those feelings for years. Eventually I started looking at myself as a whole and realized that I am intelligent, funny, unique, and yes, I am beautiful. True beauty is not about fitting into a cultural stereotype but a quality that shines from within. That doesn’t mean we should stop trying to improve; it just means that our time is better spent focusing on building a strong, healthy body and mind rather than trying to fit into a cookie-cutter mold.

Overcoming body image issues is a topic near and dear to my heart. It took me a long time to get to this place and while its difficult to not look back and wish I hadn't wasted so much time hating my body, I know I'm in a better place today and I appreciate myself so much more. We are all works in progress and we're worth the work it takes to get strong, fit and healthy. For any of you who are still putting off living because of how you look or if you're waiting until you're a certain size to do something, its time to get out there in the world of the living now and enjoy life in the body you're in. I encourage each of you to think about the ways you’ve learned to love your body. If you haven’t done that yet why not take some time to think about it?

There are 15 other bloggers featured in the article and they also share quotes on how they learned to love their body. Some of the names you might recognize, some might be new but their messages are so valuable. You can check them out on Glamour.

Letting go of anger

I was talking to a few friends the other day about anger and we were discussing how we handle anger. I was quick to speak up and say that when I was in my teens I handled anger in the same way my Dad handled anger…by yelling and jumping up and down and making my point heard one way or another. I honestly didn’t know how to deal with my emotions so I kept them bottled up inside.

I reached over and picked up one of those 20 ounce bottles of soda, about half of the drink was gone but I put the lid on tightly and gave it a shake. The pressure built up inside immediately and as I slowly loosened the cap the bottle hissed as the pressure was released, then with one twist I loosened it the rest of the way and the soda foamed up and started to spew over the rim of the bottle. The hissing sound the bottle made reminded me of a wounded animal. Hurt and scared, afraid of being hurt again it hisses to keep the predators away. The feeling resonated within me: a little bit of uncomfortable emotion headed my way and like the bottle I was shaken, hissed and spewed. As I grew older I learned that my behavior was unacceptable and I learned to hold all of those emotions in. Now imagine that the half full bottle was ¾ of the way full. Shake it, what happens then? Another violent reaction. I was surprised to learn that others felt the same way. 
 

I never learned to deal with my emotions in a healthy way. I let myself get to the point where I’d just add more anger on top of more anger on top of more anger and the slightest shake up of my world resulted in a terrible messy eruption. Not just anger but RAGE. I rarely took out my anger on others; instead I took it out on myself. I needed to find a way to deal with the anger so I turned to my old friend food. It worked so well in helping me cope with other emotions that I thought it would do the same thing with anger. It did. It worked. It worked too well.

The problem is it didn’t really work. Food, like a drug can numb the pain temporarily but the underlying issues are still there. The anger ends up tucked away in a corner of your soul and it lurks there like a dark demon waiting for its turn to come out and play. Anger festers and breeds and infects every aspect of your life. As the numb would wear off I’d medicate again and again until my little bit of a weight problem turned into a nightmare.

I know in my heart of hearts that holding on to anger only punishes me. The anger and the causes of anger are for the most part long gone, they only life they have is the life I give them inside of me. I’ve given them enough life. I’ve kept them far past their expiration date. They are beyond moldy they are black and festering yet I keep nurturing and fertilizing and adding to the collection. I’m done. Its time to let them go. I know its an ongoing process and it won't happen overnight. Its not as easy as cleaning out a dirty refrigerator and getting rid of all of the old nasty food. Cleaning your spirit takes time. I've found that  with every little bit of anger that I let go of, I walk a bit lighter. My spirit shines a bit brighter and I’m one step closer to living the life I want to live.

Healthy You Challenge Check In Week 12, 2009

Another week, another check in! How is your week going so far? Are you on track and kicking it or do you need a little push in the right direction? Whatever your situation accountability plays a key role in success!

Welcome!

Chunky Bunny 3
http://chunkybunny3.blogspot.com/

If you'd like to join the HYC please read about it HERE and then email me at healthyyouchallenge at gmail dot com with your blog name and blog URL.




For the rest of us, lets sign in below!

back on schedule

No I'm not back on schedule for blog posting, I'm still on vacation until Monday but I wanted to stop by quickly and share my Friday weigh in.

Back in February I had posted my highest weight loss total for the year at 19.1 pounds. Since that weigh in I've slowly added weight back on to the point where I had posted last week that I was only down 14.1 pounds for the year. I was going the WRONG WAY! I've pulled myself back up on the path and I'm making progress again. Every day is a challenge but I'm doing this.

Weight loss this week: MINUS 6.6 pounds
Total for the year: 20.7 pounds

wish you were here: Honeymoon Island Beach

Dear Friends,

We're on holiday this week and today we're headed to the beach. Would you like to join us? Sadie and Max have jumped in the back seat but I'm sure they'll move over and make room for you if you ask nicely (and bribe them with dog treats)

Sadie asking...are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?

 

And once we reached the causeway to the island, we let Max do his favorite thing...stick his head out the window!

Not all beaches are dog friendly but this state park happens to have a whole section of the beach for dogs. You are required to keep them on a 6 foot leash at all times. Around here its known as "dog beach" but if you're in the Tampa Bay area with your dog, you'll want to look for Honeymoon Island State Park in Dunedin Florida. We are fortunate to live just 15 minutes north of this park and while we have a little beach we typically go to that's only 5 minutes from the house, today we thought we'd play tourist and head to the REAL BEACH! Honeymoon Island beach has sugar white sand and is quite peaceful. From here you can take a ferry to Caladesi Island State Park for an even more natural beach excursion. This beach has been on Americas most beautiful beach list a few times so you might have heard of it. I brought my little Nikon because I didn't want to risk getting the other camera wet, next time I'll take my chances. These photos don't do the beach justice at all.


Ready to head out? Grab a drink from the cooler in the back of the car and lets go! We have about a 500 yard (or 460 meters) hike to the beach from here. Its about 75 degrees (thats about 24 for the Celsius readers)

The day started out overcast but the clouds quickly dissipated and unveiled a beautiful day!

I loved the water ripples on the sand

Sadie and Max were happy to jump in and go swimming but the water was a little bit too chilly for me to jump in and swim, I settled for just getting my feet wet.

 

We did a bit of hiking on the beach trail and up and down the beach several times.

we had these sugar white sands to ourselves! The poor doggies have to "slum it" on dog beach...

The humans get to enjoy this beach....a few people braved the water, I suspect they owned the cars in the parking lot with Canadian or northern license plates ;-)

Thanks for joining us at the beach. I hope you had as much fun as we did!

So glad you could join us at the beach!

Lots of Love,

Diana, Ken, Sadie and Max

ps: I'll be back on Friday for a weigh in....based on my clothes, I'm pretty sure the stall is over and I'm ready to rock the scale!

Healthy You Check In Week 11, 2009

Yesterday I shared Tide Loads Of Hope, today I have something else to share. You may have heard about it if you watch Biggest Loser, if not, please check this out and do some good for your neighborhood. For those of you in the HYC who are in this to lose weight please consider signing up for the Pound For Pound Challenge. Its FREE to join and it only takes a few minutes to enter your weight and by sharing your pounds lost food will be donated to food banks in your area.

General Mills has teamed up with NBC’s The Biggest Loser and Feeding America to encourage people to get fit and feed the hungry. Participants can pledge to lose weight at PFPChallenge.com and for every pound lost, General Mills will donate 10 cents, equivalent to one pound of groceries, to a local food bank based on the ZIP codes of participants.



Since the Pound For Pound Challenge launched in January more than 2.5 million pounds have been pledged. However, there is still time to get involved and food banks are needier than ever. The Pound For Pound Challenge is an easy way help eliminate hunger in America and HYC bloggers could make a huge difference; they may find extra motivation in doing it for a greater cause.


There are three ways to participate:


Participants have until April 27th to pledge pounds and until May 5th to report their weight loss at www.PFPChallenge.com.


Mail-in the Pound For Pound lids and seals from specially-marked General Mills products. For every lid or seal mailed in, General Mills will donate 10 cents to Feeding America. Brands with the Pound For Pound lid or seal are included in this press release.


Donate directly to Feeding America by visiting www.PFPChallenge.com or www.biggestloser.com.

Now back to regular HYC post:

WELCOME!

Dirt road to health
http://www.dirtroadtohealth.blogspot.com/

gimme the fatrap
http://fatrap.wordpress.com/

My travels to becoming a better me!
http://fitnhealthybyfifty.blogspot.com/

We are never alone
http://weareneveralone-sheryl.blogspot.com/

Mom Getting Fit
http://mom-getting-fit.blogspot.com/

Resolution 2009
http://resolution2009.wordpress.com/

Sassle! My Journey to a Healthier Life
http://www.sassle.blogspot.com/

If you'd like to join the HYC please read about it HERE and then email me at healthyyouchallenge at gmail dot com with your blog name and blog URL.


For the rest of us, lets sign in below!

Loads Of Hope

Ken is on vacation this week and by default, I'm taking a little bit of time off too. We already live in Florida...a place so many people around the world would love to spend a week to two. I plan on being quite active this week so you can look forward to photos later in the week and probably next week too.



Today's post isn't about me or my life and for that I'm quite grateful. I've never been a benefit of the topic of this post and quite frankly I hope I never need what they are offering. But its important and I've been asked to share it and I'm doing this not out of obligation but because its something that touched my heart when I first saw it back in 2005. 2004 was a very active hurricane season for us in Florida. We evacuated for Charlie who turned earlier than predicted and missed us, we stayed for Frances and Jeanne. We lost power for 5 or 6 days and I can still remember how difficult it was to accomplish day to day activities without electricity. In 2005 I watched Hurricane Katrina head to the Gulf Coast and knew what fear these people faced. Until you've had to look around your home and think "what will fit in the car?" "what do I want to save?" its hard to imagine. Some didn't evacuate and I understand that to some extent too.


The spirit of giving in the wake of a disaster always touches my heart. Tide Loads of Hope was no exception.



If you can, please visit their site and buy a t-shirt to support the cause and then hope you never need their service.



From the Tide Loads of Hope Website:



Tide Loads of Hope helps in the aftermath of a natural disaster by providing clean clothes and a sense of comfort to families in need. Partnering with Feeding America, we travel to disaster affected neighborhoods with the Tide Loads of Hope truck or vans, our free mobile laundry service.

Tide Loads of Hope truck:

• 32 high-efficiency washers and dryers stationed on the truck
• Can do 300 wash and dry cycles a day -equal to one year's worth of laundry for a single family
• Will wash about 9,000 loads of laundry over a four-week period
• Leveraged during massive disasters where electricity is unavailable in the region Tide 

 
Loads of Hope vans:
In partnership with a local laundromat, the Tide Loads of Hope vans provide free laundry service at the same load rate as the trucks
Leveraged during disasters where neighboring communities still have a source of electricity
To date, Tide Loads of Hope has washed more than 35,000 loads of laundry for over 20,000 families. Most importantly, the Tide Loads of Hope program means we're equipped to take action whenever and wherever there is a need in our country.

Tide Loads of Hope Vintage Tees:

Tide Loads of Hope can also be supported through the purchase of a Tide Vintage Tee. All profits go to support families affected by disaster.

Where it all started

In the wake of Hurricane Katrina, the need for clean clothing became critical, and Tide found a way to help. So in November 2005, the Tide Loads of Hope truck headed to Camp Hope in the Metairie, LA area and cleaned over 10,000 loads of laundry. The spirit of this first venture informs and inspires everything Tide Loads of Hope program does.

better left to the imagination please

As promised yesterday I'm sharing what happened while I was walking Sadie and Max the other morning...


So I'm out for my predawn 1 mile walk with the dogs the other morning and typically there are people leaving for work, a few letting the dogs out for a potty before they leave, teens waiting at the bus stop...its not like I'm out there walking in the dark and no one else is around. Its dark but the morning has started and people are out and about. I'm quite observant and very much aware of my surroundings when I walk. I picked this route because its typically quiet but there are always people around so I feel pretty safe walking here even when its dark.

I rounded the corner past the cranky mans house and headed down the block and I noticed a garage door open that isn't typically open and there are a few more cars in the driveway. Not a big deal, people who live in Florida tend to get visitors...especially this time of the year when the weather is so lovely. I've seen the man who lives there a few times in the mornings (and midday and evening) picking up the newspaper wearing his bathrobe. I've always said good morning to be pleasant but I've never stopped to talk to him.
 
I stood and waited while Sadie and Max stopped to sniff yet another mail box post. They find it fascinating that some dogs manage to get their pee so high on objects, they don't get the whole lift the leg thing...but back to the story.

The garage light was on and the door into the house was open and maybe its the voyeur in me but I couldn't help but glance that way. I could see movement in the room straight ahead, the door in the garage appeared to be door next to the kitchen but leading into a family room, but all I could see was a giant big screen TV... and was on and what is that on the screen...some sort of senior citizen porn?? One, two, three, four at least five different naked people, not just senior citizen porn senior citizen ORGY porn! I looked away and thought "no way" so I glanced back again and then I realized IT WAS NOT THE TELEVISION....

I quickly pulled on Max and Sadie's leads and we continued down the block...quickly.

I think its healthy for senior citizens to have an active sex life and I admire their erm, erm, their flexibility, that is NOT the issue and even if they want to have a few friends join in...what ever floats your boat...but please...oh PLEASE shut the DOOR!!! SHUT THE DAMN DOOR!!




...and now this image is burned in my mind, is it burned in yours too? Did you picture your parents, your grandparents the older couples down the block? You never know whats going on and sometimes its better left to the imagination.


ps...If you've found this blog by entering the words naked senior citizen orgy porn into google please don't email me and ask for their address.

Heading to a better state of mind

What a difference a week or two make? What a difference not being in pain can make? I've lived with chronic pain from an auto accident for years and I'm pretty good at managing it but once in a while it gets really bad, like a few months ago when my shoulder was aching so bad or like the past few weeks when I've had dental issues. A person can only tolerate so much.

I'm happy to say that I'm doing a LOT better over the past few days. I'm coming to grips with my eating disorder and while I am no where near "cured" I'm getting better at handling and processing things.

Yesterday marked my first day of truly clean eating in quite a while but I wanted to stay accountable so I got on the scale this morning:

Plus 1.1 pounds

Total lost for 2009: 14.1

Considering when I took a peek on Tuesday I thought I'd have to report at least 5 pounds gained, I'm really ok with gaining 1.1 pounds. I know I'm on track and learning to live my life in moderation. I'm in a MUCH better state of mind. Who would have thought I'd ever be okay with a gain? That should speak volumes. No pity please....this is a good thing, I'm on track and headed in the right direction once again!

I will be blogging tomorrow because there is something I MUST SHARE!!!

Yesterday on our predawn walk something really bizarre happened. I just need to take some time to put it into words. I'll post it tomorrow...believe me you won't want to miss this story...or maybe you do?

divert distract spin

I'm rebuilding the house of me. I'm deconstructing myself and putting it all back together again. I'm starting with looking at how I deal with painful issues. When an issue comes up in my life that is too painful to deal with what do I do? I divert the feelings to something else in my life, I distract myself and then I put a spin on it. I carry these little cards up my sleeve and when something else happens I whip them out to shift the focus away from what I'm really feeling. Anything to shift the focus away from me and keep me out of the spotlight.

The problem with diverting my feelings is that I typically divert them with food. When I notice that I'm diverting with food or someone else notices I'm doing that and points it out I pull out one of my little distractions or excuses, if its too personal or serious I might add in a dash of one of my life's little tragedies and if necessary throw in a few tears to distract from the real issue and then I spin the story to what I think they want to hear or how I think I can justify my actions in my mind. Its amazing how quickly people can forget what the original question or problem was. This self defense mechanism has been highly effective...too effective.

This is a classic case of when self preservation turns to self destruction. Here I am caught up in this viscous cycle. I've described it in the past as spinning around this big black hole and I feel myself getting slowly sucked in and I fight and fight my way out, get tired and once again start to get sucked in. I know what waits in the center of the black hole. Death waits there. I fight this and I keep fighting this because I'm not ready to die. I'm just not sure I know how to feel emotion for myself. I know how to feel for others, empathize and sympathize with others but when it comes to myself, I'm quite harsh. When others share their problems with me, I help them find a solution, I help them face life head on, I empower them to fight the fight but I can't seem to do that with myself. I've said many times before I'd never treat others the way I treat myself. Like so many others I'm my own worst enemy and harshest critic.

I guess what I need to work on is why I don't want to allow myself to feel certain feelings, why I don't want to let those emotions into my life. For example, when my Dad died, I couldn't cry. My brother and sister were sort of frozen and unsure of what to do. I took charge and kept everything moving along. At the funeral I greeted visitors, introduce everyone, answered questions my nephews had about death, tried to keep the peace between waring factions. After the funeral I still didn't cry. I returned to Florida about a week or so later and one day on my way home from work I just lost it, I cried the whole way to the nearest grocery store and stocked up with my favorite binge food and went home and ate and ate and ate and cried some more. There there, all better, feelings dealt with, put into a tiny little box and smothered down and suffocated with food. Instead of grieving when it was time to grieve I held it together, I was the strong one who kept everyone else afloat.

The problem with putting feelings into tiny little boxes is that eventually you get so many tiny little boxes that you can't possibly keep them all stuffed down forever. At some point you have to let the demons out and deal with them or the explode out and the result is quite messy indeed and I believe this is where I am in life with too many little boxes full of secrets.

So why do I do this? I've been doing this since I was a very young child. I've always been the secret keeper of the family. People tell me things and I've kept their secrets over the years. I learned some pretty serious lessons and secrets at a very young age. Secrets a child of 6 shouldn't have to keep. I can remember people telling me as a preteen that I was so mature for my age. I wasn't mature, in fact I was very immature because I never had a chance to be like a normal child. I'm not going to go into details of the secrets I kept but I do know that its time to let go of some of them and its time to give a few others back. Its time to stop carrying the weight of everyone elses world on my shoulders.


I guess I've never been good at talking about my feelings or expressing how I feel because when I tried I was discouraged and my parents often used food to distract my questions. This set the foundation for my life and dealing with problems of life. Maybe I'm afraid of hurting the other persons feelings or feeling selfish and needy or worse...weak. There has never been room for weakness in my life. Suck it up and deal with it. Quite frankly, the whole process is exhausting: divert the feelings or questions, cause a distraction and spin another new tale.

Is it any wonder I'm exhausted? And its not just with my diet, its with so many aspects of my life. Keeping up this pace is exhausting and I'm so tired of fighting this fight. Is there a normal? What is normal? Breathe....just breathe. 




I realize now that I've given things and people way too much power in my life and I do know that they only have power because I give them power. Its time for me to take back that power. Certain memories aren't worth keeping alive and certain people have no power over me anymore. I don't want to be the victim. I don't want to sit on the sidelines, I want to jump right in and live life. I don't want to go through life feeling numb anymore. I hate that I've wasted so much time just going through the motions. Its time for me to take that back. My life feels like its built on a foundation of secrets and lies and its time to bring in the demolition crew and blow the old foundation to bits and start fresh with a new foundation. Its time to figure out who I really am and not just who people want or need me to be. This blog is the one place where I've always been able to be myself and express how I really feel.


I know the rebuilding process will be slow. I'm off to a great start: I have a loving husband and two sweet guppers and all of you who've helped me realize that I'm also worthy of what I give. Thank you. 

connecting life's little dots

Pardon me if this post is confusing, I've been lacking clarity in so many aspects of my life lately, I feel like I'm at a crossroads wondering which path to take. It would only make sense that this spill over to my blog posts. So many times in my life things look fuzzy but instead of looking away I keep staring at it hoping it will become clear, cleaning my glasses over and over again, waiting for the faintest hint of something familiar. Sometimes I see a hint or a glimmer of something that makes sense and I try to record it as a post so I can refer to it in the future..one of the reasons I write about my weight loss journey in this blog

I look at my history with food and particularly the cycle of binge eating and while I've known for quite some time that its linked to events in my past, I didn't realize that so many little things in my life today can be triggers for a binge, its all connected. I was talking to a friend about it yesterday and she asked how it was going with the binge eating and I said that I didn't have much to say about it because my focus has been on everything else but yet I'm still managing to binge.  By the same token, I sometimes think that I can't blog about certain things because they are too far "off topic" and I should keep them swept under the rug because they don't fit within the parameters of the tag line of the blog: a journey in weight loss, exercise and healthy eating. Maybe I should just change the tag line to read: a journey in weight loss, exercise, healthy eating and everything else because its all connected. I've compared it many times in the past to a giant puzzle and I'm slowly putting the pieces together. The problem is, I go through the pieces of life and put them in their place and as soon as it all starts to make sense something changes, the pieces get jumbled and I'm left feeling overwhelmed.


I like to keep things simple. I like to make a plan and follow a plan, this worked great for many years of my life and then the rug started getting ripped out from under me at the worst times. Looking back I always thought that the feeling associated with these times were the equivalent of feeling sorry for myself so I never let myself feel them because feeling sorry for yourself isn't productive. When good things would happen I wouldn't over celebrate because it isn't polite to gloat. Again, no feeling the feelings. I created a world where I didn't let myself feel the bad because it was too bad and I didn't let myself feel the good because...well I'm not quite sure why on that one yet but I do know that instead of learning a healthy way to express my feelings or voice my opinion, I stuffed myself with food and eventually that was the only way I could feel things. Feel bad...eat, feel good...eat.

So what do I do? Where do I go from here? Throw away all of the pieces and start over? Lay in bed and cry for a week or two? Try a new approach for the 17MILLIONth time? I could break down those options a bit further and see where they would lead.

Throw away the pieces and start over: That would mean deleting this blog and starting a new one or just not blogging at all. Not really an option because I've already had a few emails saying they'd hunt me down and force me to blog...not exactly those words but I got the message.

Lay in bed and cry for a week: I've tried that but Sadie and Max demand I get my ass out of bed and take them for a morning walk. Time change be damned, they start crying exactly ONE hour after Ken leaves for work. So we walked the past two mornings at 6:45...in the dark... and no those were NOT birds flying around that one tree, they were bats.

Try a new approach for the 17MILLIONth time: How many times can I start over? How many times can I get back up? Many people have left as a comment the Japanese proverb: Fall down seven times, get up eight. Quite frankly I've lost track of how many times I've fallen down and honestly does it really matter how many times I've fallen? 

I could keep going but I'll save the rest for tomorrow. This was enough to process in one day. I'm not sure where I'm going but I know I need to keep moving. Getting back up again is just the first step. Learning how to process my feelings in a healthy way...this could get ugly.

Healthy You Challenge Check In Week 10, 2009

MOVED
Losing Irene has moved to http://blog.fithungrygurl.com/


WELCOME

That's gonna leave a stain
http://sassmowth.blogspot.com/

The Woman Inside Me
http://thewomaninsideme.blogspot.com/

Beer & Cheese To The Beach
http://beerandcheesetobeach.blogspot.com/

TriMe
http://trimel13.blogspot.com/

Pudget: Losing Weight On A Budget
http://pudget1.blogspot.com/

Little Bug Moments
http://littlebugmoments.blogspot.com/

Counting To Infinity
http://countinginfinity.blogspot.com/

Acting Skinny
http://actingskinny.blogspot.com/

The Need To Feed Journal
http://theneedtofeedjournal.blogspot.com/


If you'd like to join the HYC please read about it HERE and then email me at healthyyouchallenge at gmail dot com with your blog name and blog URL.


For the rest of us, lets sign in below!

dreading sunrise

Sitting here in the predawn hours typing this post I can't help but dread the coming sunrise. As I shake off the last of the vicodin induced coma that was my sleep last night I can't help but notice the time. Time stops for no man, or woman as the case may be but I just want a few more hours of darkness and a chance to wake up. I wonder if this is how vampires feel.

Soon the birds will start to sing and the light will begin to peek through the curtains and the whine fest will begin. They don't care that my jaw hurts, that my head hurts and I generally feel miserable, they never do. I'm quite comfy in my slippers and pajamas. I don't want to get dressed. I don't want to put on socks and I most certainly don't want to put on shoes. They will start their list of demands and somewhere in the middle of it all we'll reach a compromise and by compromise I mean they’ll get their way.


I suppose I should just give in and accept the inevitable. I suppose given the statistics I’m sharing at the end of the post I should be grateful to have such demands placed on me, my body certainly needs them. Some call them dogs but I call them the best workout partners in the world. They never say no to a walk and they don’t just encourage me to walk every day. They demand it. Honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way.


This week weight loss: ZERO
Total for 2009: 15.2

trying to turn my mood around

I wrote a LONG post today about my years of struggle with several eating disorders. It was very heavy, depressing and pretty much a pity party. So instead of posting all of that crap that I'm just going to recap:


I’m just in so much pain with my mouth right now and I have been for over a week and its brought up a lot of emotions. The problems with my teeth are due to years of being bulimic. Not being able to eat very much because of the pain has reminded me of the times when I’d pick at my food and pretend to eat and really go days without eating. Something that no one would notice because I was always overweight or if they did notice they’d congratulate me on losing weight.

Now sprinkle in a dash of who knows if my husband will have a job from day to day and a few cups of how the hell I am going to come up with a few thousand dollars to pay for all of the dental work I need and the other bills and there you have the recipe for the big fat mess that is me today.

So in an effort to cheer myself up (and not have a totally depressing post) I started thinking of ways to make money to pay for my dental work and I have a brilliant plan!

I'm teaching Sadie and Max a few tricks so we can panhandle in the park and at the beach and make some money (not really...I'm joking, don't clean the change out of your ash tray and go looking for me at the beach). So far they only thing funny they know how to do is shake on command. Meaning: if they get wet I say "give it a shake" and they shake off the excess water. Here is Sadie doing a demo:

Is that talent or what?

I don't think that alone will make money a lot of money so I've had to expand my search and while Max isn't a bulldog he does have shorter legs and I think he would be very good at this:

What do you think? Great plan or what? LMAO!

Healthy You Challenge Check In Week 9, 2009

Another week! Another chance to move towards better health!

Someone had left a comment saying they wanted to join but I have no idea if you’re one of the people who emailed me or not. If you don’t email me at healthyyouchallenge at gmail dot com, I won’t add you to the blog roll. The HYC blog roll is located on this page please check all three blog roll lists before sending me an email.

If you need to contact me about something other than joining the HYC or fixing your link, please email me at scalejunkie at gmail dot com.

Moved:
A Working Mom’s Joy has moved, her new URL is
http://aworkingmomsjoy.blogspot.com/



Welcome:

A Daunting Tale of Scale Warfare
http://adauntingtaleofscalewarfare.blogspot.com/

My Loss is My Gain
http://www.blogtolose.com/profile/Elaine

Wake Up and See
http://wakeupandseeme.blogspot.com/

Happy Texans
http://happytexans.blogspot.com/ 

If you'd like to join the HYC please read about it HERE and then email me at healthyyouchallenge at gmail dot com with your blog name and blog URL. 

For the rest of us, lets sign in below! 

In like a lion

If you would have asked on Saturday night the last day of February how I thought March would come in I would have said March would come in like a lamb. What a difference a day makes! I suppose this is just another indication of my games of chance luck. Sunday morning I woke up to heavy driving rain and wind. Okay that’s not entirely true, I actually woke up to a cold nose in my face and a cold nose on the back of my neck followed by lots of dog slobber but after that I heard the rain and wind outside the bedroom window.

Ken was in the kitchen making coffee by the time I stumbled in there and he gleefully said “it looks like you won’t be walking the dogs this morning, how about some pancakes?” Now I know he wasn’t offering to make pancakes but rather saying why don’t YOU make me some pancakes. Living in Florida at this time of the year means a nonstop supply of fresh locally grown inexpensive strawberries and our refrigerator is fully stocked so I whipped up a batch of flourless pancakes and topped them with fresh berries and whipped cream. I picked these over traditional pancakes because they have a good source of whole grain and protein. They keep you full longer than traditional pancakes and with my tooth still aching, I’m not able to eat much so I try to make what I eat count.

As I listened to the wind howling I remarked to Ken about the In like a lion, out like a lamb saying and he asked about the origins of the phrase and I told him about an article in USA Today I read a few years ago that said it had to do with the constellations and the position of Leo and Aries in the sky. But like it always does, my mind quickly turned towards dieting and as I shoved the last of the strawberries into my mouth I couldn’t help but compare myself to the lion and the lamb.

I tend to start my diets like a lion, all ferocious and take charge, ripping apart and knocking aside any temptations that get in my way…and then somewhere along the way I turn into a calm complacent little lamb. Ken said “you need to be more like a lion and less like a lamb when it comes to your weight loss” and he is right. When I am determined and focused, nothing stands in my way and as soon as I'm able to eat normal foods again, I'm jumping back into the role of lion and attacking my weight head on.

For now I’m on the advil and the soft foods and over cooked veggies diet and I will be on this diet until the dentist manages to fix this tooth. My appointment is at 10am and as much as I’m dreading going I’m looking forward to the relief. He plans on fixing another tooth that is in "danger" but I need this painful tooth fixed NOW! I think in his grand scheme of things he wants to wait to fix this tooth until he can fix the one behind it at the same time ala root canal and crown but I’m going in there today and I’m going to roar like a lion until he see things my way. Ken is quite familiar with my roars and he feels sorry for the dentist.

And the Moon smiled down at Venus on date night

We’ve started making time for date night again. We got out of the habit when finances were in the gutter…okay they are still in the gutter but not quite as entrenched.

It doesn’t have to be anything fancy. With my tooth still waiting for the dentist to fix it on Monday I can’t do a lot of chewing without pain so Ken suggested we go to Panera for a bowl of soup. I admit I have a hard time turning down Panera soup so off we went.

It was just such a lovely night. For a few hours the Advil was working and the pain had subsided and maybe it was the fact that it was the first real meal I’ve had in days but I felt so good. It was about 70 degrees with a light cool breeze in the air and as we looked towards the west and saw the remains of daylight scattered across the bottom of the sky in faint pink tones. We couldn't help but notice just above it the crescent moon appeared to smile down with approval at the brilliancy that Venus displayed brightly in the western sky. What a beautiful way to welcome the night. I hope you saw it too.