anonymity

One of the hardest parts about being morbidly obese is the lack of anonymity. My entire life I've been the chubby friend, the fat girl, the big woman, the morbidly obese woman. My excess weight has defined my life.When I walk into a room or someone describes me I want them to say I'm the tall woman with dark hair. Not the "big girl" the "big woman" or the "heavyset woman" all of the politically correct terms people use to describe someone who is fat, overweight, morbidly obese. When I walk into a room I want people to notice me for me, not for my size or simply not notice me at all. 

I've heard from a few people who were also at the open casting call for Biggest Loser and they've said "which one were you" and for once in my life I couldn't say "oh I was the fat woman in the blue sweater" because they would honestly have no idea who I was talking about. For once I didn't stand apart from the crowd because of my weight, I blended in. But those occasions are rare and it really was a once in a life time chance for me for so many reasons.



Sometimes life makes it so easy to fall into the same patterns, the same routines. We get up, we go to work, come home and do it all over again. After a while this cycle becomes our life and it becomes the story of who we are. We define ourselves by our careers and by our accomplishments. By the same token we define ourselves by our failures.

If I felt uncomfortable in a situation I thought it was because of my weight. Blaming my weight for things became a comfortable pattern, an easy excuse. I never stopped to think that maybe I was uncomfortable in a situation because it was just an uncomfortable situation. Maybe anyone would have been uncomfortable in that situation.  Maybe I'm exactly where I am in life because this is where I was meant to be but maybe its because I've let my weight write my story. Maybe its just too easy to blame fate or luck if I don't like a part of my story. Maybe I use the word maybe too much?

So I've given some thought to rewriting my story. I know that repeating the same patterns I've always repeated will keep things the same. Have you heard the saying that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results? Its the town slogan here in Crazytown. To change, to really change you have to be willing to be uncomfortable once in a while. You have to try new things. You have to change your mindset. You have to tell yourself that things are different now and then take actions to prove they really are different. Sometimes change is forced upon us for better or worse. Sometimes we can want to change but not know how and sometimes we have to make the changes happen.

I try to imagine my life without the excess weight. The freedoms I'd find. Fitting into seats and not worrying obsessively about if I'll fit or not. Shopping for new clothes and buying things I actually like and that flatter my body instead of things that somewhat fit. But of all of the freedoms,  I think I'd enjoy the anonymity the most. I think that walking into a room and not feeling all eyes on me would be the best feeling of all.